My Day as a Cubs Fan

Come on, Wells!

Yesterday, I spent four hours in a state-of-the-art trash dump watching the Mets.  Obviously, I had to root for the away team , which is why I now know What It’s Like to Be a Cubs Fan.

Just in Time for the End of Baseball Season…

It relates, I promise.

My bad. I completely forgot that Mene and I came up with a few “guidelines” for attending baseball games (though I’m pretty sure most of these can be extended to all other sports and, well, life). They are as follows:

#1 You can’t wear Yankees jerseys with names AND numbers on the back. This is just plain inaccurate, because the players don’t. If you MUST let the world know that you are a Jeter fan, get a t-shirt or a tattoo. (This is not dissimilar to how Mene wanted to go as Jabba the Hut for Halloween, but only if I went as Sexy Princess Leia. But I didn’t want to go as Sexy Princess Leia because I have a rule about those sorts of things, so I said I would go as a slightly-less-sexy Princess Leia. But Mene ruled it out because it wasn’t completely accurate. Jabba and Leia only had one scene together and it was while she was in the string bikini. )

Baby’s First Baseball Game

Not really how you use it...

When I got home from work today, Mazall was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  Obviously, this was unacceptable.  Her ensuing lethargy, thank the Lord, made it quite easy to grab the remote and switch to the Yankees/Red Sox game (with a brief argument about the many reasons why I would not, I repeat NOT, watch Victor/Victoria).  For some reason, she stayed sprawled on the couch and “watched” the game with me, only rising to refill her glass of vodka and/or show me her batter’s stance.  What follows is 100% true and unedited documentation of our evening’s conversation.  Let’s play ball?

Mazall:  I’m just so fascinated…with their butts

Either/Or with Marc…third installment

Marky Marc

Marc is Claire’s friend (as he so annoyingly reminds us below.  barf) but I have taken over the question-asking this weekend, as Claire is too busy eating Mexican pork with her father.  Here goes…

Detroit or Wall Street?

Marc: Detroit isn’t much more than riots, poverty, cars and bad professional sports. Wall Street is known for money and greed, and plenty of both. Both of these entities share responsibility for the disposing of our economy, quite nicely I might add. Wall Street did it in such a slick, Gordon Gecko sort of way that you almost have to admire their complete lack of morals and utter sleaziness. Detroit on the other hand, well, it’s hard to admire a city that burns itself down every six months. Motor City loses, like it always does.

Canada vs. Mexico

EARTH DAY!!! A brief history of “Going Green”

Your un-factchecked, incomplete timeline of Lean, Mean, Green Things (that have absolutely nothing to do with the environment or “global warming” ).

No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids

Not me. Tear.

I don’t understand all this hoopla about steroids. I’ve been taking gym candy since Monday, following a freak allergic reaction, and I must say, I’m a little disappointed. They don’t have skulls and crossbones on them. They taste bad. They were surprisingly cheap. And my fantasy baseball team’s performance has actually declined since I started doping (sorry, Marc). I even pop them in public hoping a SEC official will try to subpoena me ( “I’m sorry sir, but these were prescribed by an overnight medical intern at St. Luke’s Hospital in Harlem and they are totally legit. I even used my Duane Reade Rewards Card when purchasing them”), but they kinda look like Claritin and nobody cares.

Why John Smoltz WHY?!

😦

For 20 years, John Smoltz pitched for the Atlanta Braves and no one else. He even debuted on my fifth birthday because he knew how much it would mean to me…later. You just don’t find that kind of loyalty in the MLB anymore. And to prove it, when his shoulder fell off and his contract ended last year, Smoltz left Atlanta to sign with the second worst team ever. So much for happy endings.

I want to hate him. I NEED to hate him. But I just can’t. Those eyes…that smile…that splitter!

Basically, Smoltz is doing everything I love doing: stealing money from the Red Sox, secretly visiting Jeff Francoeur the Braves clubhouse, and golfing with Tiger Woods. So I should be happy for him, right?

By default, I am our weblog’s sports expert. My apologies in advance.

Recently I’ve become, shall we say, disillusioned with journalism and any future career I may have in it, which apparently involves Twitter. (Claire, on the other hand, is already headed for at least one lawsuit Pulitzer). Which is why last night, instead of writing for the best economy site in the world, I spent hours watching old ESPN “This is Sportscenter” commercials. I love everything about these commercials, even when I don’t get them or when the audio doesn’t quite match up to the video. I have concluded that coming up with them is the best job ever (aside from Tim Geithner’s, obvi).

And so our weblog’s first list commences.

Top 5 “This is Sportscenter” commercials:

#5 – Andy Roddick Nickname. Stu’s smirk at the end is perrrrrfect.