No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids

15 Apr
Not me.  Tear.

Not me. Tear.

I don’t understand all this hoopla about steroids. I’ve been taking gym candy since Monday, following a freak allergic reaction, and I must say, I’m a little disappointed. They don’t have skulls and crossbones on them. They taste bad. They were surprisingly cheap. And my fantasy baseball team’s performance has actually declined since I started doping (sorry, Marc). I even pop them in public hoping a SEC official will try to subpoena me ( “I’m sorry sir, but these were prescribed by an overnight medical intern at St. Luke’s Hospital in Harlem and they are totally legit. I even used my Duane Reade Rewards Card when purchasing them”), but they kinda look like Claritin and nobody cares.

The worst thing is I don’t feel any stronger!!! My weak-person clothes still fit and the stairs leading out of the subway aren’t any easier to climb. Thinking it has something to do with my perception, I keep asking co-workers and Mazall if I look swoll? They glance at my arms and laugh in my face. In other words, it’s just like those days when I wasn’t all roided up… Now I REALLY know how A-Rod feels.

Whatever, you fools. I still have two–count ’em!–doses left. Bet you won’t be laughing when I chokeslam your face, turn into the Green Goblin and fly far, far away ON ANABOLIC STRENGTH ALONE.

But it’s fine I suppose, because really, I don’t want to look like those creepy women on the cover of Women’s Bodybuilding or Self Magazine. No offense to all our jacked-up female readers. But … now I’m mad again!! WTF STEROIDS?! I PAID SEVEN BUCKS FOR YOU!! WHY IS MY HEAD THE SAME SIZE AS IT WAS YESTERDAY?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Also, I am not experiencing mood swings.

But I keep on keepin’ on because it’s hard for people like me and Bonds to live that gangsta life in such a harsh spotlight (SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!); trying to make a buck during the day so we can come home to that special someone at night. So what if it’s only Arnold the trainer waiting with some freshly-squeezed juice from Mexico, because you’ve beaten everyone else to a pulp? (Do you see all the puns there? I couldn’t have done that without my sauce.)

The drug life is a lonely life, kids, it’s true. But I’m pretty sure that’s only if you get caught.

Molly Claire


13 Responses to “No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids”

  1. Claire April 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    wtf? why is my name at the bottom of this?????

    • Molly April 15, 2009 at 6:46 pm #

      I dont know Claire, is there something you’d like to tell us?

  2. mazall April 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    i’m calling Intervention. thank GOD i watch it and even know about it.

    • Drewpreme April 15, 2009 at 6:50 pm #


  3. mazall April 15, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    speaking of steroids…. i just watched “9 1/2 Weeks” starring a young and not effed up mickey rourke. TOTAL BABE. netflix that now, people.
    also, kim basinger’s tatas! what could be better!?

  4. Molly April 15, 2009 at 9:19 pm #

    FYI mazall also watched Gone with The Wind last night and got REALLY excited. I feel a STEROID MOVIE RAGE coming on…

  5. Ally April 15, 2009 at 9:28 pm #

    so, are you gonna use them all or what? PUMP A SISTA UP!

    • Molly April 15, 2009 at 9:34 pm #

      UGH! But then you might get more money from the MLB since, you know, you actually work out. I know you’re family and all…but….no.

  6. Daniel Luzer April 15, 2009 at 10:55 pm #

    Molls, pretty sure you have to work out in order to get all the fun ‘roid stuff to happen.

    • Molly April 16, 2009 at 3:55 am #


  7. Molly April 16, 2009 at 3:55 am #

    like backne?

  8. Drewpreme April 16, 2009 at 3:06 pm #

    I guess being a Yankee fan requires steroids also?

    • Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:58 pm #

      Just to fight off the stupid guys in Mets hats AT YANKEE STADUIM

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