No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids

15 Apr
Not me.  Tear.

Not me. Tear.

I don’t understand all this hoopla about steroids. I’ve been taking gym candy since Monday, following a freak allergic reaction, and I must say, I’m a little disappointed. They don’t have skulls and crossbones on them. They taste bad. They were surprisingly cheap. And my fantasy baseball team’s performance has actually declined since I started doping (sorry, Marc). I even pop them in public hoping a SEC official will try to subpoena me ( “I’m sorry sir, but these were prescribed by an overnight medical intern at St. Luke’s Hospital in Harlem and they are totally legit. I even used my Duane Reade Rewards Card when purchasing them”), but they kinda look like Claritin and nobody cares.

The worst thing is I don’t feel any stronger!!! My weak-person clothes still fit and the stairs leading out of the subway aren’t any easier to climb. Thinking it has something to do with my perception, I keep asking co-workers and Mazall if I look swoll? They glance at my arms and laugh in my face. In other words, it’s just like those days when I wasn’t all roided up… Now I REALLY know how A-Rod feels.

Whatever, you fools. I still have two–count ’em!–doses left. Bet you won’t be laughing when I chokeslam your face, turn into the Green Goblin and fly far, far away ON ANABOLIC STRENGTH ALONE.

But it’s fine I suppose, because really, I don’t want to look like those creepy women on the cover of Women’s Bodybuilding or Self Magazine. No offense to all our jacked-up female readers. But … now I’m mad again!! WTF STEROIDS?! I PAID SEVEN BUCKS FOR YOU!! WHY IS MY HEAD THE SAME SIZE AS IT WAS YESTERDAY?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Also, I am not experiencing mood swings.

But I keep on keepin’ on because it’s hard for people like me and Bonds to live that gangsta life in such a harsh spotlight (SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!); trying to make a buck during the day so we can come home to that special someone at night. So what if it’s only Arnold the trainer waiting with some freshly-squeezed juice from Mexico, because you’ve beaten everyone else to a pulp? (Do you see all the puns there? I couldn’t have done that without my sauce.)

The drug life is a lonely life, kids, it’s true. But I’m pretty sure that’s only if you get caught.

Love,
Molly Claire

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13 Responses to “No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids”

  1. Claire April 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    wtf? why is my name at the bottom of this?????

    • Molly April 15, 2009 at 6:46 pm #

      I dont know Claire, is there something you’d like to tell us?

  2. mazall April 15, 2009 at 6:41 pm #

    i’m calling Intervention. thank GOD i watch it and even know about it.

    • Drewpreme April 15, 2009 at 6:50 pm #

      ITS LIKE I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE!

  3. mazall April 15, 2009 at 6:54 pm #

    speaking of steroids…. i just watched “9 1/2 Weeks” starring a young and not effed up mickey rourke. TOTAL BABE. netflix that now, people.
    also, kim basinger’s tatas! what could be better!?

  4. Molly April 15, 2009 at 9:19 pm #

    FYI mazall also watched Gone with The Wind last night and got REALLY excited. I feel a STEROID MOVIE RAGE coming on…

  5. Ally April 15, 2009 at 9:28 pm #

    so, are you gonna use them all or what? PUMP A SISTA UP!

    • Molly April 15, 2009 at 9:34 pm #

      UGH! But then you might get more money from the MLB since, you know, you actually work out. I know you’re family and all…but….no.

  6. Daniel Luzer April 15, 2009 at 10:55 pm #

    Molls, pretty sure you have to work out in order to get all the fun ‘roid stuff to happen.

    • Molly April 16, 2009 at 3:55 am #

      ohhhhhhhhh.

  7. Molly April 16, 2009 at 3:55 am #

    like backne?

  8. Drewpreme April 16, 2009 at 3:06 pm #

    I guess being a Yankee fan requires steroids also?

    • Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:58 pm #

      Just to fight off the stupid guys in Mets hats AT YANKEE STADUIM

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