Tag Archives: snacks

This is my personal New Coke

4 Jun

I have been eating Austin zoo animal crackers for over 10 years. As far as I’m aware, you can’t buy them in a store—at least, I’ve never seen them in one—just out of a vending machine.

my glorious snack friends

I ate Austin animal crackers every day for lunch in high school. (What? At least I wasn’t eating French fries or nachos or whatever it is people do to achieve the proper level of obesity in this country).  I ate them as a snack from my college dorm’s vending machine.  I took an involuntary hiatus from animal crackers during my three-year stint at a Nashville newspaper because our office didn’t have a vending machine, but now that I work at (redacted) (wait, no, not redacted because I’ve mentioned it before) (actually, let’s just go ahead and re-redact that and replace it with something cool) Google NASAGeorge Clooney Sterling Cooper the Death Star, I have returned to my animal cracker habits. (The Death Star has good vending machines.) I’ve purchased at least one bag of animal crackers a week for the past two years.  That is, until now. After today, I will never eat Austin’s animal crackers again. Why, you ask? BECAUSE THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE.

Today I bought a bag of animal crackers and when I took a bite I noticed that the flavor was off. They tasted different. I looked at the package to see if maybe they were stale. Instead, I discovered something much worse: Austin now makes “New and Improved” animal crackers. As far as I can tell, the new improvements are the following:

Instead of crunchy, they are now slightly chalky.

Instead of rounded edges, they have square edges

Instead of a cracker, they are now closer to a cookie

Instead of giraffes and turtles, they are—actually, I don’t know what kind of animal shapes they are because I didn’t look at them closely before I ate them.

I paid $1 for the same bland, nutritionally empty snack I’ve been enjoying since I was 14. And now they went and screwed it all up. Whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!

Tuesday Sports Roundup: D-Wade’s socks, Obama’s Sox and, uh, teeth.

21 Apr

d-wadeLet’s start with the NBA: Claire and I recently made separate but equally bad purchases which, long story short, led me to watch Dwyane Wade’s fitness videos on the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish website. In an effort to get fat kids off the couch, D-Wade has brilliantly “invented” two “sports” that even unrealistically multicultural groups of children can play. The first one is sort-of like basketball (surprise!), but instead of a hoop you use a small white boy (Claire correctly notes that this is more helpful than white guys normally are when it comes to hoops). And the second activity is cleverly titled “Bouncy Sock” but required you to play hacky sack with D-Wade’s dirty laundry. Both of these activities are sure to get you no where near the NBA, but after an hour they should burn off at least 10% of the suggested serving size of Flavor Blasted Xplosive Pizza Goldfish. If I were a fat kid, I’d rather stay inside and watch the Heat/Hawks playoffs. So maybe D-Wade knows what he’s doing after all… Continue reading