From The Archives: An Open Letter to Chateau Diana

30 Jun

OnNotice.phpLast night, I was complaining to Claire that Duane Reade had some gall trying to charge me $3 for a mini-box of Wheat Thins. Unfortunately, I was hungry so I bought them BUT THEY WILL PAY EVENTUALLY! I decided I was going to use the most powerful and accessible weapon I had. Something that cuts deeper than a sword. A bullet that pierces not just the body but the soul. I was going to…write them a letter.

You see, Claire and I are well aware of the power of words; there happens to be a great epistolarian in our midst who once authored a notorious complaint letter to a fake wine company. AND THEN GOT FREE WINE! Unfortunately, instead of writing my own letter in the hopes of getting a mini-box of Wheat Thins, I spent hours digging through my emails to find his letter. I shall now post it and go back to work (hope you don’t mind, Dan). But you’re on notice, Duane Reade!

December 18, 2007

Chateau Diana Winery
PO Box 1013
Healdsburg, CA 95448

To Whom It May Concern:

This weekend I was having a dinner party at my house. Lacking wine I went out to attempt to find some. At the nearest relevant store I was informed that the only brand they carried was one of your products, Chateau Diana. Thinking I was in luck, I purchased 2 bottles of Chateau Diana Merlot.

When I returned home we discovered that the wine tasted terrible. Now this is obviously a rather inexpensive brand and taste is subjective so we looked more closely at the bottle and discovered that it was, in fact, not wine at all but “wine product,” a concoction composed of table wine, water and fruit juices.

On your website, you explain that Chateau Diana is “our refreshing low alcohol offering.” This is silly; if I wanted less alcohol, I would have served smaller amounts of actual wine.

Your Chateau Diana product is both aesthetically and intellectually offensive. As the maker of wine, your organization is presumably somewhat informed about wine quality and should be ashamed to produce such a product. If you want to sell wine, make wine. If you want to sell fruit juice, make fruit juice.

Admittedly, the bottle did say “wine product” upon it. While I had no idea such a foul substance existed and was thus not on the lookout for such deception, the beverage was technically properly labeled and I do not hold you fiscally responsible. None-the-less, there’s no reason for this product to exist.

Sincerely,

Dan (redacted)

There’s more, because apparently fake wine is much easier to make than real wine, leaving plenty of time to correspond with unhappy customers. Below, the letter Dan received.

Dear Mr. (redacted):

We are in receipt of your December 18, 2007 letter regarding your
purchase of Chateau Diana Merlot. As you noted, our Chateau Diana wine
product is only 6% alcohol, and is produced solely for grocery and
convenience stores in New York as they are not allowed to sell
alcoholic beverages with a greater alcohol content. We apologize that
this was not made clear to you when you purchased this wine product.

Chateau Diana produces several wine brands besides Chateau Diana 6%.
These include Black Oak, 1221, and Lebaron Ranch, all of which are
wines with standard alcohol content. We hope you will enjoy the bottle
of 1221 Cabernet Cuvee that we are sending your way. It has enjoyed
very favorable reviews. Let us know what you think.

Happy New Year.

(redacted*), Office Manager
Chateau Diana Winery

*I really didn’t want to redact her name, as it is a glorious moment for Alliteration Enthusiasts everywhere. Contact me directly if you’d like to know it.

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24 Responses to “From The Archives: An Open Letter to Chateau Diana”

  1. mazall June 30, 2009 at 3:29 pm #

    molly bought about five bottles of chateau diana chardonnay before she realized it doesn’t get any better upon repeated tastings. because of my exquisite palette i immediately spat out the first sip, declaring it rancid. molly said, “quit bitching and just drink it. it’s cheap and it’s all they had.” i said, “nay.”

    • Molly June 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm #

      Every time I went to the store I swore I was getting a different brand! But no. Bleck!

  2. Drewpreme June 30, 2009 at 4:05 pm #

    Chateau Diana is the Thunderbird for the “non-urban” city dwellers.

  3. Erin June 30, 2009 at 6:11 pm #

    this reminds me of when Kyle wrote Michelob Ultra a letter because the slim cans did not fit into his koozies properly, and he was heated. Alas, he was sent several koozies just for his stupid MichUltra cans. Now whenever anything goes awry, he states they are going on his list to receive one of these “genius” letters. ::eye roll::

    • Molly June 30, 2009 at 6:12 pm #

      hahahahahahaha love it. it’s one of those things that would be amazing except i’m sure he brags about it so often that it just ends up making you mad.

      • KC June 30, 2009 at 6:20 pm #

        Bragging’s for babies…I boast.

        I also wrote ESPN a letter once complaining about their coverage of strictly Tiger Woods when he was 12 strokes off the lead. They wrote back “I’m sorry you don’t like Tiger Woods…you’re the only one”, to which I replied, “Well played, ESPN…well played”

    • Drewpreme June 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm #

      I love you Rondell like a play cousin… But seriously we have a few things wrong here…

      1. Michelob Ultra – and don’t say they’re Erin’s.
      2. That you need a coozie for said Mick Ultras which should be slammed with the quickness therefore never getting warm nor needing the coozie (I mean its the only way you’re gonna get a buzz from them).
      3. That your coozie conundrum + Michelob Ultra incensed you to the point of writing the company.
      4. They acquiesced to you this “Coozie Gate” and sent you schitt.
      5. That you openly brag about drinking Michelob Ultra from a coozie.

      I don’t even know you any more.

      • Erin June 30, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

        koozie with a “k” = klassy. coozie with a “c”= blah!

      • Drewpreme June 30, 2009 at 8:35 pm #

        Spelling Noted… But still doesn’t take away from the veritable Linus’ blanket of drinking etiquette.

      • KC July 1, 2009 at 1:31 am #

        While I shan’t defend myself for drinking Mich Ultra, as it is undoubtably a questionable practice, not everyone enjoys scaring every white girl they see, so it was an attempt at dropping a few LBs. Please to forgive

      • KC July 1, 2009 at 1:34 am #

        ‘undoubtably’ is the new ‘undoubtedly’

  4. Claire June 30, 2009 at 10:25 pm #

    AHHHHHHH THE COLORS CHANGED

    • Molly June 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

      yes, we are now patriotic through the weekend…

  5. Claire June 30, 2009 at 10:42 pm #

    patriotic for ENGLAND. or AUSTRALIA.

    • Molly June 30, 2009 at 10:44 pm #

      we were actually aiming for Bastille….

  6. London June 30, 2009 at 10:52 pm #

    I prefer to drink my beers with a klassic koozie, especially when they’re kustom made. The latest one is from a friend’s wedding which reads “Beerly Beloved Rebecca and Michael”.

    Although I am not one for Mich Ultra, I do understand the frustration when a perfectly ice cold beer just doesn’t fit into the perfect koozie. It’s like cirle and square…you really want them to mesh well together, but in the back of your mind you know the relationship just won’t work.

    Also, everyone knows that any kind of wine you buy at the grocery store in NY is just plain disgusting. Where do you think you are? The south?

  7. Erin June 30, 2009 at 11:15 pm #

    1. Don’t know London, but the sentiments are right up my alley!

    2. Just remembered KC also wrote a scathing letter (obscenities included) to the Fox News affiliate for ::gasp:: having a weather crawler on the TV whilst 24 was on… there was only a GD TORNADO ripping through our neighborhood. What were they thinking?

    3. Drew, you crack me up, but I will let him answer for himself. It was right before our wedding, so I am guessing he was trying to slim it down? LOL.

    • Molly July 1, 2009 at 8:04 pm #

      Oh I love you both so much

  8. Daniel July 1, 2009 at 9:25 pm #

    This makes me very happy. Not as happy as the free wine, but still.

  9. amy April 28, 2011 at 1:28 am #

    this wine is disgusting.

  10. anonymouscalifornian September 17, 2011 at 5:02 am #

    To any one who sees this comment I can assure you that chateu diana winery does not exist it is a bottleling facility where they bottle cheap wine year long four days a week 10 hours a day 40 to 50 palettes a day minimum wage paid no after 8 hour overtime paying creeps.Please if you see this and you think that thats an unfair pay and unfair working conditions please stop buying this cheap so called wine fromthis company not winery i broke my back for this company creating a knot on my lower back that now bothers me there is too much production and not any real wine making at this facility im not asking for anything i just hate that people year round have to go throu hell to win a few bucks with shitty health care when the boss is driving a brand new mercedez and creating an empire based on fake wine making millions and the work force barely earning enough to get by.This company only sells their wine out of state because here in califnia in the wine region where is supposely coming from they know it wont sell because it simply does not excist and you guys buy it because you guys dont know any better and because it is so cheap you guys choose to buy it next time spend a little more on a decent bottle of wine coming from real californian grown vineyards

  11. Krystle December 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm #

    Would it be possible for someone to post the link to where this Photo came from?

  12. alexdonald October 15, 2014 at 6:54 pm #

    I’m currently on holiday in NYC and has no idea that grocery stores can’t sell wine (I’m from Ireland and obviously we sell wine in grocery stores, liquor stores, children’s playgrounds…I’m joking…). I bought this disgusting MUCK, drank the entire bottle in an evening and wondered why I wasn’t even remotely drunk. Googled it and realised it’s a ‘wine product’. How can this be legal?! Revolting doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Vinho Verde: Your New Sauvignon Blanc – Ratapu Recommends - January 28, 2016

    […] Put five dollars back. Yep, I know – I am telling you to buy a $10 wine. This is borderline Chateau Diana territory, right? “I’m not going to be that person that turns up with a Loire valley […]

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