Tag Archives: roids

Dispatches from a Mets game with Claire. Or, “Three Strikes You’re Out”

12 May

Not Amazin'

#1 Claire, Evan and Molly sit together on a quiet 7 express train. They are on their way to CitiField and are, naturally, talking about baseball. Manny Ramirez comes up.
“But seriously,” says Molly, “everyone does steroids. Even me!” She then flexes her ‘biceps’ and the group laughs. The obvious stream of muscle jokes begins:
Do you have a band-aid? Because I’m cut. Do you have any tape? Because I’m ripped. Tickets to the gun show, etc.
Then Claire decides to take it to the next level.
“Are you the President of the United States?” she says while flexing. “Cause I’m Michelle Obama!!” People are staring and Evan is shaking his head. Claire can’t stop giggling, and adds:
“Also, are you from Malwai? Cause I’m Madonna.”

#2 Claire: “How long is a baseball game?”

#3 Claire and Molly go to the bathroom and, unfortunately, their stalls are adjacent. The game is playing over the speakers, and someone on the Mets doubles. The stadium roars. “OH NO!” Molly yells from her stall.
“What!?” says Claire. “Did you pee on yourself?”


No big deal, but I’m taking Steroids

15 Apr
Not me.  Tear.

Not me. Tear.

I don’t understand all this hoopla about steroids. I’ve been taking gym candy since Monday, following a freak allergic reaction, and I must say, I’m a little disappointed. They don’t have skulls and crossbones on them. They taste bad. They were surprisingly cheap. And my fantasy baseball team’s performance has actually declined since I started doping (sorry, Marc). I even pop them in public hoping a SEC official will try to subpoena me ( “I’m sorry sir, but these were prescribed by an overnight medical intern at St. Luke’s Hospital in Harlem and they are totally legit. I even used my Duane Reade Rewards Card when purchasing them”), but they kinda look like Claritin and nobody cares. Continue reading