Either/Or with Marc…third installment

27 Apr
Marky Marc

Marky Marc

Marc is Claire’s friend (as he so annoyingly reminds us below.  barf) but I have taken over the question-asking this weekend, as Claire is too busy eating Mexican pork with her father.  Here goes…

Detroit or Wall Street?

Marc: Detroit isn’t much more than riots, poverty, cars and bad professional sports. Wall Street is known for money and greed, and plenty of both. Both of these entities share responsibility for the disposing of our economy, quite nicely I might add. Wall Street did it in such a slick, Gordon Gecko sort of way that you almost have to admire their complete lack of morals and utter sleaziness. Detroit on the other hand, well, it’s hard to admire a city that burns itself down every six months. Motor City loses, like it always does.

Canada vs. Mexico

Marc: Canada and Mexico represent the best and worst of America’s qualities, respectively. America Jr. is clean, polite, doesn’t make a mess, loves hockey and gravy and offers health care for all. It also is home to DeGrassi, which is serious business for serious people. Mexico on the other hand supports our violent drug habits, barely has a functioning government, just recently spawned the latest in health disasters with its swine flu and is poor to quite poor at soccer. I can’t even fully credit Mexico for Mexican food considering that tacos and nachos are both American concoctions. Hipster liberals everywhere make declarations of moving to Canada for a reason. It’s quite nice and you can vacation without fear of abduction. Oh Canada, you win.

Stewart or Colbert

Marc: Jon Stewart. As wonderful as Colbert is at doing a Bill O’Hannity impersonation for laughs, that’s basically all there is to his show.  Huge bonus points are given to Colbert for roasting W in the most sarcastic speech ever given, but it can’t be ignored that for all intents and purposes Jon Stewart created this delightful one trick pony.

Women or Men

Marc: I don’t have to sit down while I pee. Until they invent that pill from Junior, I don’t have to give birth. It’s almost expected that as a man I’m going to be lazy and disgusting, so that’s basically a free pass. And I don’t have to wear makeup. Emotions are optional for me and life is generally way simpler. Being a woman seems complicated and difficult. Being a man is pretty much awesome.

Rat Pack or Frat Pack

Marc: Really? This is barely worth a discussion. The Rat Pack exuded cool, defined an era and spawned wonderful songs, movies and tomfoolery. The Frat Pack produced a few comedies of moderate quality. The Frat Pack gets a dismissive wave of my hand.

Bill Simmons vs. Chuck Klosterman

Marc:  I love Simmons for his NBA coverage, his weekly NFL pick columns and his hilarious mailbags. I hate Simmons for his obsession with Boston teams, complete lack of interest in college sports and his overuse of references from movies made 15 years ago. I hate nothing about Klosterman however. His knowledge of pop culture is unprecedented, his writing on music is exceptional and he loves sports. He also routinely outshines Simmons on the occasional podcast. In fact, Simmons is routinely outshone by many of his guests, most notably his own wife. When the first thing I want to read in your columns is by your wife, that’s not a good sign. Klosterman gets the nod.

Being Stalked vs. Being Cheated On

Marc: Stalked. Obviously. This is a simple matter. Ask yourself this question: Who is Stalked? No one that sucks is ever stalked, just awesome people and celebrities. Being stalked is in fact the ultimate compliment. Sure, there’s an aspect of danger involved when some creep decides you’re worth following around 24 hours a day, but doesn’t that just make it more exciting? Being cheated on, there’s nothing exciting about that. It just plain sucks.

Molly or Claire

Marc: This is quite clearly Claire. Molly has her pluses, in that I’ve never met her and all we’re concerned with is sports and blog-related activities. The simple relationships are often the best. (Molly’s note: SO WHY DO I LOSE?) Claire, though, loves Ben Folds, box wine, terrorizing children’s museums, all things Chicago and has a wacky and hilarious mother that we all adore. Her complete lack of understanding regarding sports is in some ways a good thing, as it provides ample opportunity for jokes at her expense. This is valuable humor. Sorry Molly, you lose. (Molly’s note: So really, I win.)

Really baggy jeans vs. really tight jeans (on men)

Marc: This category can be described in several different ways. Comfort vs. discomfort. Enjoying yourself vs. Sadness. Hip/Hop vs. Emo. America vs. Europe. No matter how you phrase it, really baggy wins every time. The leg room just can’t be beat.

Gary Coleman or Steve Urkel

Marc: An epic clash of the titans. The preeminent questions of 80s/90s sitcoms. What’chu talkin bout Willis? vs. Did I do that? This is a close one, but I have to go with Coleman. Without Arnold Jackson, Diff’rent Strokes would never have survived. Family Matters had plenty of colorful characters outside of Urkel. Carl alone could have carried that show. What really puts this away though are Coleman’s post-sitcom exploits, most notably his bizarre stint as a mall security guard. How many of you can even tell me who played Urkel without looking it up? (Molly’s note: Jaleel White) What’chu talkin bout Willis? I’m talkin’ bout a Gary Coleman victory.


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9 Responses to “Either/Or with Marc…third installment”

  1. Cara April 27, 2009 at 2:43 am #

    Her complete lack of understanding regarding sports is in some ways a good thing, as it provides ample opportunity for jokes at her expense.

    This is why I am friends with both Claire and Marc. Well, not Marc’s lack of understanding of sports – but the ample opportunity for jokes at his expense.

  2. Claire April 27, 2009 at 3:02 am #

    I LIKE PONIES

  3. Claire April 27, 2009 at 3:06 am #

    I hate nothing about Klosterman however.

    Chuck is stellar whenever he writes about someone else. Whenever he writes about himself — or the women he has slept with, or mix-tapes he has made — I want to slap him. He is very self-involved.

    • Molly April 29, 2009 at 4:51 pm #

      also I do not like his voice

      • Marc April 29, 2009 at 9:25 pm #

        As opposed to Bill’s stellar radio voice where he uses only his nose?

  4. Drewpreme April 27, 2009 at 5:08 pm #

    Good call on Klosterman… Simmons is losing his edge. Since his readers have figured out his comedic patterns an overall schtick, his mailbag just sets him up with these alley-oop Q&A’s that makes his life even easier. Plus he’s never taken one of my Q’s. However I await his book on basketball coming out this year.

  5. Drewpreme April 27, 2009 at 5:10 pm #

    And yes… Although as I’ve gotten older I’ve dumped the overly baggy jeans that had a decade (and change) run in my wardrobe, I’d rather have my twig and berries just hanging out than all yammed and jammed up in some Mandex. This is America dammit!!!

    • Marc April 28, 2009 at 2:59 am #

      I’m horrified that the word mandex wasn’t in my vocabulary until this moment. You are on the ball as usual Mr. Preme.

      • Molly April 28, 2009 at 3:04 am #

        Also i learned a new one from adam carolla: guyliner (get it? men that wear eyeliner?)

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