Tag Archives: Homelessness

Do They Make Movies About What YOU Do For A Living?

1 Jun

Well..maybe they do.  There are a lot of movies.  But now there is one about producing morning TV!  Look, Rachel  McAdams makes no money and has no life and is always stressed–aren’t you JEALOUS?!

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Every Now and Then with Evan

12 Jun
This happened in the South.

Evan got hot nuts in the South.

So, sometimes Claire and I have to work on things besides this blog. I know. Which is why we take certain liberties when it comes to our “content”: farming it out to friends, making it up or, mainly, just cutting and pasting it from Gchat.

BUT EVAN HAS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT ANSWERING OUR FRIDAY QUESTIONS!!! My tv shows (PLURAL!) happen daily, Claire’s magazine is weekly. Evan? His publication comes out once a month, if even. Plus, he only has to cover one subject–Science! That’s like, the easiest one of all. The Earth is getting hot, Pluto’s not a planet, Stephen Hawkings is smart cause he talks in a robot voice. Done and done. And yet, Friday after Friday, Evan lets us down by ignoring our questions and breaking the hearts of tens of twenties of our weblog readers. To add insult to injury, he casually informed us that the latest questions were “lame”.

Now, in retrospect they were. Especially Claire’s (after all, when I promised Evan better questions this week she was suspiciously silent). Let’s take a look at what she asked a few weeks ago… Continue reading

For the record

1 Apr

Claire writes about sports, too.

Newspapers

30 Mar
ny post

ny post

Newspapers are folded sheets of thin paper with advertisements, articles and pictures printed on them. Thought I would explain because, apparently, no one buys them anymore and people are upset about this. Without newspapers, who will hold the government accountable? What will happen to the AP? What content will stupid bloggers link to? WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THE STYLE SECTION?! Others, like Jack Shafer and the rest of the U.S. population, could care less.

I have my own concerns though, and I don’t think they are being widely addressed by the MSM (that means “mainstream media” which, ironically, will soon mean bloggers). Newspapers play a much larger role than simply informing us of what’s going on in the world or when the Clinique counter at Macy’s is offering a six-piece gift set. For instance, will my next-door neighbors start stealing things even MORE valuable than the Sunday Times? What if they take Mazall or our funky postmodern holiday wreath?

Continue reading

Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex

24 Mar

1. I can’t open the lid on my jar of strawberry-raspberry jam. I turned and squeezed and yanked and pulled for at least 15 minutes. I used one of those rubber jar opener things. I ran it under water. I yelled at it. My hands were sore and the lid would not budge but I refused to give up. But then…I gave up. If I starve to death, I blame the commercial canning process.

2. Why do people invite me to “events” on Facebook that occur in other cities? I have not lived in Nashville for a year and a half but even if I did, I wouldn’t go to your weekly trip-hop dubstep DJ spinning gig at the 24-hour pierced-nose and clothes-attached-with-safety-pins coffeeshop that I frequented when I was 19. Stop inviting me.

3. How come Nick has both a scooter and a cell phone that takes photos and yet I STILL have not received a photo of him on the scooter?

4. I did once have a hamster named Caligula! It’s true. She died a natural death. Other pets I have had are: Abu the dog (heart failure) Jack the dog (kidney failure) Pepper the dog (toe cancer) Sweetie Pie the horse (yes, the previous one said toe cancer) Firefox the horse (I JUST realized that he has the same name as my Internet browser) Thunder the hamster (old age) Patches the hamster (eaten by dogs) Splotches the hamster (also eaten by dogs) Jennifer the goldfish (never eaten) Blackie the goldfish (had no eyes) Princess the goldfish (upside down floating victim) and Barack Obama.

5. Why am I STILL sick? Two weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to die. I’m not dying anymore, now I’m just functionally ill. Molly says that it’s pigeon mating season and that I’m probably allergic to pigeon sex (see? Now her previous entry makes sense) but something (logic) tells me that’s probably not true. A better answer: I have polio.

6. There is no way in hell FDR and Elenor Roosevelt ever had sex.

The Internets called and we picked up. Deal.

23 Mar

The only thing I’m going to say about this weblog before I talk about hamsters is that every week, Evan will be joining us for a Q&A session. So unless you are God, or Evan, or the homeless man who sneezed on me, I don’t see how you could turn that down. Even in the 30 minutes it took me to burn my hand with soup, tell Claire about it, and then start a weblog, plenty of questions arose.

What are leeks anyway? Do burns cause wrinkles? Why was the soup so hot? Why does my bottled water taste like shoe polish? Is Claire having an allergic reaction to pigeon sex? How did hamsters hurt my mom’s back?

Here’s the thing. Claire thinks she is excused from choosing the most common dog name ever (ugh. Molly.) because she once named her hamster Caligula. But the only thing hamsters are going to do is hurt you. Take my mother for example. A harbinger of protection; a vessel of grace and love. All she wanted to do was check on Fluffy. How was she supposed to know the damn lab rat was going to go rogue and leap out of the terrarium to scurry under the couch? I don’t know how they do things in Chicago but in Atlanta, when someone provides a nestle of wood shavings, feeds you nut-bricks or lettuce from the garbage, all the while making sure the silver roller-ball at the end of your water bottle is working, you don’t just catapult yourself into the living room. What? Was she supposed to NOT jump up at the sight of a rocketing gray furball flying at her face?

And that’s how pinched nerves happen, people. I don’t need Evan to explain this one.

sigh.