Tag Archives: pigeons

Living the Life

7 Mar

For some reason, people have decided that living in New York is glamorous. “Oh, your life must be so glamorous!” they say to me sometimes. “You live in Manhattan and work in a tall office building, I bet you go to cocktail parties every night!” This is not true, of course. I did go to a party this weekend, but it was in New Jersey and halfway through the night someone poured beer all over a bag of bagels.

So what is living in New York really like? See if you can guess which thing didn’t happen to me this weekend. Did I….

 

– eat someone else’s leftover pasta because it was free

– argue with a homeless man because I wouldn’t give him $5 in exchange for a hug

– watch a man drop his sandwich on the subway floor, pick it up, and continue to eat it

– get pooped on by a pigeon

Fridays with Evan, redux

1 May

A Friday with Evan

A Friday with Evan

“It’s been a long time,
we shouldn’t have left you
without a dope beat
to step to…”

— Aaliyah ft. Timbaland, Try Again

Claire: What happened to last week’s Fridays with Evan?

Evan: This and this. Not that doing a story on energy drinks kept me in the field and archives for a whole week, but due to the ongoing collapse of our entire industry, Seed‘s having me toil in the Interweb Mines a lot more than usual. I’ve also got a piece I’m editing on adiabatic quantum computers, and one on baby brains due up next week (Preview: they are both delicious).

Molly: Zeitgeist The Movie said there is no law that I have to pay income tax. I’d like to drink the kool-aid but can’t figure out how to get them to stop taking it out of my paycheck? Continue reading

Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex

24 Mar

1. I can’t open the lid on my jar of strawberry-raspberry jam. I turned and squeezed and yanked and pulled for at least 15 minutes. I used one of those rubber jar opener things. I ran it under water. I yelled at it. My hands were sore and the lid would not budge but I refused to give up. But then…I gave up. If I starve to death, I blame the commercial canning process.

2. Why do people invite me to “events” on Facebook that occur in other cities? I have not lived in Nashville for a year and a half but even if I did, I wouldn’t go to your weekly trip-hop dubstep DJ spinning gig at the 24-hour pierced-nose and clothes-attached-with-safety-pins coffeeshop that I frequented when I was 19. Stop inviting me.

3. How come Nick has both a scooter and a cell phone that takes photos and yet I STILL have not received a photo of him on the scooter?

4. I did once have a hamster named Caligula! It’s true. She died a natural death. Other pets I have had are: Abu the dog (heart failure) Jack the dog (kidney failure) Pepper the dog (toe cancer) Sweetie Pie the horse (yes, the previous one said toe cancer) Firefox the horse (I JUST realized that he has the same name as my Internet browser) Thunder the hamster (old age) Patches the hamster (eaten by dogs) Splotches the hamster (also eaten by dogs) Jennifer the goldfish (never eaten) Blackie the goldfish (had no eyes) Princess the goldfish (upside down floating victim) and Barack Obama.

5. Why am I STILL sick? Two weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to die. I’m not dying anymore, now I’m just functionally ill. Molly says that it’s pigeon mating season and that I’m probably allergic to pigeon sex (see? Now her previous entry makes sense) but something (logic) tells me that’s probably not true. A better answer: I have polio.

6. There is no way in hell FDR and Elenor Roosevelt ever had sex.