Tag Archives: polio

All by myself (don’t wanna be)

19 Jul

Molly is birthday-ing in Georgia, which leaves me to man the blog all by myself for an entire week.  What should I write about?

Here are some options:

'Willis' my ass

'Willis' my ass

1. Why Bruno wasn’t funny
2. I could have sworn Walter Cronkite was already dead
3. Central Park exercise etiquette, or: why weekend cyclists are total dickslaps
4. If my 3-day-old Chinese food is still edible
5. If I should be amused or horrified by the fact that astronauts left discarded food containers on the moon.
6. The startling accuracy of the tagline to Lindsay Lohan’s made-of-TV movie, Labor Pains
7. Why I’m pretty sure that this is Marc’s fault
8. I keep wanting to write about polio so that I can tag every post “polio” and make this the most popular polio-related blog on the Internet, but Molly won’t let me
9. The Willis Tower
10. My dog runs away from her own poop

This Week in Janice: Health & Wellness Edition

25 Apr

Janice in 1968

Janice in 1968

So my dad is in town and we go to a bar. Janice calls. Then we go to a restaurant. Janice calls again. Then we go to another bar where we drink scotch and judge people (sidenote: MY DAD IS SO MUCH FUN). Janice calls a third time. This is unusual for her — we’re not telephone people and I haven’t spoken to her in two weeks — so when she leaves me two voicemails, I listen to them to make sure they’re not about something important. When I get home, I find that she has also sent me an email. First, the messages.
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This Week in Janice Vol. 2

1 Apr

So I realized that I should probably tell my mom that I’m going to write about her. She doesn’t really know how to use the Internet (see: phone call I received at work in which she said that she couldn’t get Google to load and asked me if websites ever take days off) so it’s not like she would stumble across this blog on her own. Well, unless she did a search for “polio.” Apparently everyone who comes to this blog finds it by searching for information about polio. Anyway, so I thought I should tell my mom what I did. I emailed her to ask her permission.

Janice in 1968

Janice in 1968

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Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex

24 Mar

1. I can’t open the lid on my jar of strawberry-raspberry jam. I turned and squeezed and yanked and pulled for at least 15 minutes. I used one of those rubber jar opener things. I ran it under water. I yelled at it. My hands were sore and the lid would not budge but I refused to give up. But then…I gave up. If I starve to death, I blame the commercial canning process.

2. Why do people invite me to “events” on Facebook that occur in other cities? I have not lived in Nashville for a year and a half but even if I did, I wouldn’t go to your weekly trip-hop dubstep DJ spinning gig at the 24-hour pierced-nose and clothes-attached-with-safety-pins coffeeshop that I frequented when I was 19. Stop inviting me.

3. How come Nick has both a scooter and a cell phone that takes photos and yet I STILL have not received a photo of him on the scooter?

4. I did once have a hamster named Caligula! It’s true. She died a natural death. Other pets I have had are: Abu the dog (heart failure) Jack the dog (kidney failure) Pepper the dog (toe cancer) Sweetie Pie the horse (yes, the previous one said toe cancer) Firefox the horse (I JUST realized that he has the same name as my Internet browser) Thunder the hamster (old age) Patches the hamster (eaten by dogs) Splotches the hamster (also eaten by dogs) Jennifer the goldfish (never eaten) Blackie the goldfish (had no eyes) Princess the goldfish (upside down floating victim) and Barack Obama.

5. Why am I STILL sick? Two weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to die. I’m not dying anymore, now I’m just functionally ill. Molly says that it’s pigeon mating season and that I’m probably allergic to pigeon sex (see? Now her previous entry makes sense) but something (logic) tells me that’s probably not true. A better answer: I have polio.

6. There is no way in hell FDR and Elenor Roosevelt ever had sex.