Jury Duty is the Real Crime

I whited out my last name. See #19.

Oh, hello there Internet. It’s been a while. Two days, in fact. You see, I had Jury Duty. Except that I didn’t. Because, apparently, when you get Jury Duty, you may not have ACTUAL JURY DUTY. You might just wait around for two days in a Chinatown Courtroom, avoiding eye contact with, let’s face it, everyone. Which is what I did. And I’m so SAD. I wanted my 12 Angry Men moment! I wanted to fight for justice! I wanted to meet Atticus Finch! Instead, here are my accomplishments from Jury Duty, in no particular order.

Wildlife Lessons Learned in Harlem Whilst Watching TV

Remember, they are just as scared of you.

Tonight, Mazall and I happened upon The Edge, aka the ultimate bromance movie, written by David Mamet, starring Anthony Hopkins and the always-entertaining Alec Baldwin.  In case you haven’t seen it (though I’m pretty sure we were the last two people on Earth not to), the two men find themselves stranded in Canada and/or Alaska after birds attack their plane.  Not only was the movie awesome, but it also taught us valuable lessons/skillz for surviving the wilderness in case we ever crash there in our private plane.  They are as follows:

Every Now and Then with Evan

Evan got hot nuts in the South.

So, sometimes Claire and I have to work on things besides this blog. I know. Which is why we take certain liberties when it comes to our “content”: farming it out to friends, making it up or, mainly, just cutting and pasting it from Gchat.

BUT EVAN HAS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT ANSWERING OUR FRIDAY QUESTIONS!!! My tv shows (PLURAL!) happen daily, Claire’s magazine is weekly. Evan? His publication comes out once a month, if even. Plus, he only has to cover one subject–Science! That’s like, the easiest one of all. The Earth is getting hot, Pluto’s not a planet, Stephen Hawkings is smart cause he talks in a robot voice. Done and done. And yet, Friday after Friday, Evan lets us down by ignoring our questions and breaking the hearts of tens of twenties of our weblog readers. To add insult to injury, he casually informed us that the latest questions were “lame”.

Now, in retrospect they were. Especially Claire’s (after all, when I promised Evan better questions this week she was suspiciously silent). Let’s take a look at what she asked a few weeks ago…

Diversity Training: Movie Break!

Sometimes, your friends take you by surprise.  Whether it’s Tyler dropping the Kyoto Protocol into normal conversation or Claire telling a story that is not only relevant but also easy-to-follow, every now and then I’m floored by mon amis.  Like this little  ditty from Drew at 9:42 AM on a Tuesday:
“BTW – I’ve decided that Anna Faris is playing you when the Drewpreme movie gets made.  I was watching The House Bunny.”

Needless to say, this called for a Q&A…

Life is still hard, for Mazall

For some of us, life is easy.  For Mazall, life is hard.  A collection of complaints from the past week:

March 29th, 5:50 PM
mazall: but when i save netflixes to watch with you, you never end up
watching them
you’re not there for me
life is hard

March 30th, 2:00 PM
mazall:  omg someone should make undies that say “YES YOU CAN” on the crotch
yessssss
life is NOT hard
when i think of great ideas

March 30th, 2:52 PM
mazall: ugh i read some of that book last night and just tallied my debt
SAD
life is HARD
I need to marry someone rich

March 31st, 3:05PM
mazall: damnit i forgot my gym clothes.  life is hard.

April 3rd, 12:41PM
mazall: where is life is hard with mazall hmmmm?
me: that’s on Saturdays
mazall: no way! friday
I WANT IT ON FRIDAY! life is hard sigh

April 3rd, 5:50 PM
mazall: tous che
sp?
eh
life is hard
molly:  touché

April 3rd, 5:13 PM
mazall:  i wish i had been alive in the 60’s so i could have slept with jimi hendrix
life is hard
and then raised our mixed race love child
sigh

Why John Smoltz WHY?!

😦

For 20 years, John Smoltz pitched for the Atlanta Braves and no one else. He even debuted on my fifth birthday because he knew how much it would mean to me…later. You just don’t find that kind of loyalty in the MLB anymore. And to prove it, when his shoulder fell off and his contract ended last year, Smoltz left Atlanta to sign with the second worst team ever. So much for happy endings.

I want to hate him. I NEED to hate him. But I just can’t. Those eyes…that smile…that splitter!

Basically, Smoltz is doing everything I love doing: stealing money from the Red Sox, secretly visiting Jeff Francoeur the Braves clubhouse, and golfing with Tiger Woods. So I should be happy for him, right?

Why does my roommate watch such bad TV? I dunno. Let’s ask her.

Joining us today is my partner in all things domestic, Mazall. I love her, without knowing how, or when, or from where. But if I were to file a environmental hostility suit against her in a court of law, Exhibit A would be a simple log of her recently viewed TV shows and movies. This girl is ridic. Never in my life have I lived in such close proximity to multimedia madness. Intervention. Howard’s End. Bleakhouse. Aristocrats (NOT the funny joke one, the Masterpiece Theatre one). True story: 30 minutes into this year’s Superbowl, I rushed home only to find Mazall surrounded by candles in our dark living room watching Barry Lyndon. I shouldn’t even give her a chance to explain, but I’ve worked in media long enough to know that crazy sells. Mazall’s interview, after the jump…