This Week in Janice: BREAKING UPDATE

Office Dater

So Janice’s advice was a huge hit. Other friends came forward to seek her wise, oracle-like guidance. Ryan wanted to know how to marry me but still be gay. Marc wanted to know how to marry Ryan but not be gay. Mazall wanted to know how to put up with her co-dependent roommate. And Nick? Well Nick didn’t actually ask a question—he was too busy puking into a flower pot. I didn’t want to overwhelm Janice with too many questions—she’s MY mom, after all—but the following one was too good to ignore.

Dear Janice,

Now, before I explain, you have to promise you won’t judge me.

So I’m sort of seeing a person at work and luckily, we don’t work together and I sit pretty much as far away from him as possible on the floor at the moment. Well, that’s about to change. I just received an e-mail telling me I’m going to be sitting right next to him. I don’t want things to be awkward — especially if we stop seeing each other — but I feel like this is not a good situation. I cannot, however, ask for a move because then I’d have to explain my situation. I’m seriously in a pickle, Janice. Please help!

From,
Office Dater

Updating My Netflix Queue

Molly said that I don’t blog enough. Apparently copy/pasting emails from Janice doesn’t count as blogging. Well, fine. I’ll write something. There’s just one problem: I’m not really sure what to say. I am a fascinating woman with impeccable taste, an amazing life and good clothes—how can I possibly pick just one thing to discuss? Maybe what I’ve been renting on Netflix?

Things that I have watched while sitting on the couch in pajamas:

Fargo: First of all, the film actually takes place in Minnesota. Thanks for the false advertising, Coen Brothers. Murder is fun, I always like movies that involve murder. Or bank robberies. Or thieving. Basically, I like people who do bad things and therefore, I really liked this film. It was a neatly packaged story that was tightly told. However, the wood chipper scene was a total letdown. (You could only see one foot!) Also, people in Minnesota don’t really talk like that. I know quite a few of them and sure, they do love their dipthongs and weird vowel sounds, but for the most part they sound normal. Disclaimer: I’m from Chicago.

Gilmore Girls season 2: Okay, I know it’s not cool or edgy to like Gilmore Girls, and the show isn’t campy enough to be a tongue-in-cheek guilty pleasure (see: Felicity) but it is legitimately good and anyone who denies it either a) hasn’t seen it or b) is sexist. If a guy can watch a football game without worrying about the fact that he just spent 2 hours staring intently at Spandexed, muscular men as they jumped on top of each other in an orgy of overvalued athleticism, then why should I be made to feel shallow for spending a Saturday morning watching Loreli Gilmore fast-talk her way through life, love and five cups of coffee at a small-town Connecticut diner? My favorite TV show is M*A*S*H and I really love Full Metal Jacket, am I not allowed to be a girl sometimes? Give me a break. Anyway. Season 2 is much better than Season 1 because in Season 2, Rory is dating Jess instead of Dean. Dean was tall (i.e., hot) but he was too nice. He’d be all, “Here, I made you this thoughtful present that perfectly represents your personality,” and I wanted to slap him. Jess is a bad boy who doesn’t return her phone calls. Girls like bad boys. It’s a fact.

Rachel Getting Married. Anne Hathaway’s face doesn’t fit on her head. This is a major source of irritation for me because my life is empty and I have nothing else to worry about. She is the visual equivalent of an out-of-tune piano. That said, she was really good in this film. At least, I think she was. Maybe? I’m not sure, I was too distracted by her makeup. I get that she’s all angsty, but does she really have to go all raccoon-eyes on us? Also, I’m not sure I’m allowed to say this because I’m a WASP, but the movie seemed awfully multicultural, in a very inorganic sort of way. The preppy New England family had an Indian-themed wedding but never explained why. I felt like I was in a Pier One store throughout the entire thing. You know, pillows with tassels and whatnot. Anyway, Rachel Getting Married is another one of those dark-froth-lurking-underneath-the-surface of-an-otherwise-picturesque-suburban-family films, which, when done well, is self-indulgent and fun. Who knew that being upper middle class was so damn hard?!?!

Victor/Victoria: If Julie Andrews is a man, then I’m black. Movie fail.