Baby’s First Baseball Game

12 Jun
Not really how you use it...

Not really how you use it...

When I got home from work today, Mazall was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  Obviously, this was unacceptable.  Her ensuing lethargy, thank the Lord, made it quite easy to grab the remote and switch to the Yankees/Red Sox game (with a brief argument about the many reasons why I would not, I repeat NOT, watch Victor/Victoria).  For some reason, she stayed sprawled on the couch and “watched” the game with me, only rising to refill her glass of vodka and/or show me her batter’s stance.  What follows is 100% true and unedited documentation of our evening’s conversation.  Let’s play ball?

Mazall:  I’m just so fascinated…with their butts

Mazall:  What’s he doing?
Molly:  Texiera?  He’s batting.
Mazall:  He looks…weird…he looks like a prissy peacock.

Mazall:  I like the old school uniforms better
Molly:  Like with the knee socks?
Mazall:  Yeah, these new ones look frumpy
Molly:  Well…That’s CC Sabathia.  He’s a big guy.  He’s like a bear.
Mazall:  Who?  That guy pitching?
Molly:  Yeah.
Mazall:  But..he’s fat?
Molly:  sigh

Mazall:  Whoa! What was that?
Molly: That was two outs!
Mazall:  *gross face*
Molly:  No, that’s good.  The RED SOX got two outs.
Mazall:  Oh.  yay!

Mazall:  So, I mean, how does the catcher know what signal to give?
Molly:  Well, that’s his job
Mazall:  But, basically he’s just guessing
Molly:  No…I mean, he’s been playing against these players the whole season or longer.  Also, he knows how the pitcher is doing and bases it on that as well.
Mazall:  Oh
Molly: Yeah, baseball is harder than it looks.
Mazall:  I see.  I’m starting to respect them more.  Promise.


Molly:  Do you like that better?  What A-Rod is wearing?
Mazall:  Is that A-Rod? The guy batting?
Molly:  Sigh
Mazall:  What! I know the name I just don’t know what he looks like.  He’s cute.  Is he sleeping with Madonna? I can see why girls like him.  He has a cute butt.  Full of steroids.

Mazall:  Yeah I like that outfit better.  Keep it real boys!
Mazall:  It’s history! It’s how they used to wear it. Baseball needs to stay in touch with its past. Fashion is history, even in baseball.

Mazall:  I like the slow-mo part.

Mazall:  Have the Yankees always sucked?
Molly:  NO! They are like the best team in baseball history.  And the most famous.
Mazall:  Well why do they suck now?
Molly:  They are just going through a slump.
Mazall:  Like for years or just for this season?
Molly:  Well… ugh.  I don’t like these questions.
Mazall:  I can tell.

(Red Sox’s Brad Penny running off the field after top of the 6th inning)
Mazall:  That guy needed a sports bra

Mazall:  They’re all wearing belts!  Fancy ones!

(top 7th)
Molly:  We tied!
Mazall:  It’s over?
Mazall:  Then you should say “we HAVE tied” not “we tied”
Molly:  *drinks vodka*

Molly:  That’s Derek Jeter
Mazall:  He’s got a nice little body!
Molly:  Yeah, he does.  A cute butt.
Mazall:  He was on roids too right
Molly: *shakes head*
Mazall:  And didn’t he cheat on his wife?
Molly: No
Mazall:  Are you sure?
Molly:  That was A-Rod
Mazall:  Oh.  Jeter was the one with Kate Hudson then?
Molly:  No that was A-Rod too…
Mazall:  Oh
Molly:  Sigh
Mazall:  I guess I always thought they were the same person
Molly:  They’re not
Mazall:  Jeter is tall.  I like that.

Mazall:  Who’s that he’s cute
Molly: That’s Johnny Damon
Mazall:  He’s a BIG BOY!

*Texiera spits*
Mazall: Ew boys are gross!

Mazall:  Ew he just touched his wiener!
*squats down and imitates a catcher*
Molly:  NO! That’s how they give the signs!
Mazall:  Whatever. They just wanna have gay sex

Mazall:  Johnny Damon is cute.  He’s like that basketball player I like– what’s his name?
Molly:  I don’t know but please tell me his name.
Mazall:  Bernie Andrews? I dunno.  Ask Drew.  He has dreads.
Molly:  Sigh
Mazall:  It was like two first names
(after checking later, it was Anderson Varejao.  No he does not look like Johnny Damon.  Nor does he have two first names.  FAIL)

*Crowd boos*
Mazall: Do people not like A-Rod?
Mazall:  What?! Why not?
Mazall:  Oh.  They are playing in Boston?
Molly:  AHHHHHH!
Mazall:  How was I supposed to know?
Molly:  Because!  Because the Yankees are batting first.  Because the stadium is green.  Because the Red Sox are wearing white and the Yankees are wearing grey and because EVERY SINGLE FAN HAS A BOSTON HAT ON.

Mazall:  It’s raining.  Yeah, that’s exactly what I want to be doing.  Sitting in the rain in a plastic poncho watching boys spit and play with themselves.
Molly:  Sounds like your every Friday night
Mazall:  That is…strangely accurate.

(While trying to do a dance move, the baseball bat almost went up into her female parts and she dropped it on the floor so loudly that the neighbor called to make sure we were okay)
Mazall:  “Yeah, sorry, we just dropped our…bat”

Mazall:  Has, like, has the bat ever hit the catcher’s hand?
Molly:  Sure
Mazall:  And like, shattered it, like Tarantino style?
Molly:   Probably.  I mean, crazy stuff happens all the time.  One time The Unit threw a pitch and on the way to the plate it hit a bird.
Mazall: REALLY
Molly:  Yes.
Mazall:  Is it online?
Molly:  Yes
Mazall:  Find it!  That’s the kind of stuff I’d be interested in.
Mazall:  Oh my God.  That poor bird.

Molly:  What just happened?!
Mazall:  I don’t know, someone hit something.  And there’s running!
Molly:  worst. announcer. ever
Mazall:  You should blog my play by play.

Mazall:  I wonder what these guys are thinking about
Mazall:  But what’s going through their head?
Molly:  *grim silence*
Mazall:  I’m just prepping you for the annoying child you will inevitably have.  Who will be into the arts.
Molly:  The arts are fine! Just not right now!

Mazall:  Sigh.  It’s only the 8th inning??  This started like 5 hours ago.
Molly:  No it did not.  5 hours ago we were at work
Mazall:  Whatever.  It should be over by now.

Mazall:  That guy looks like the little fat black guy from Hook
Molly: CC?
Mazall:  I dunno.  Whoever’s pitching.
Molly:  CC?!
Mazall:  Look it up.  He’s one of the Lost Boys.
see top right:

(commercial comes on for subway series)
Mazall:  What’s the subway series?
Molly:  argh!
Mazall:  Oh is that what we’re watching now? How was I supposed to know?
Molly: No! That’s when the Yankees play the Mets!  Get it?  Subway?
Mazall:  Yes I get it but how was I supposed to know??
Molly:  I dunno?  I thought you were a well-rounded person?
Mazall:  Ugh.  It’s not my fart.  Ha.  Fart.  I meant fault.

Mazall:  When’s it going to be the 9th inning?
Molly:  When they get three outs!  They have zero.
Mazall:  When’s that gonna be?
Mazall:  Ugh.  I need to file my nails.
*gets nail file*
Mazall:  I could choreograph a whole dance in the time it takes these hosers to win a game.

Mazall:  I’m pretty sure Balenciaga once designed a whole line based on the catchers’ knee pads.

Mazall:  Sorry you lost.  Do we have to watch the aftergame?



22 Responses to “Baby’s First Baseball Game”

  1. menelaos June 12, 2009 at 4:18 am #

    Its posts like these that keep me coming back to this blog.

    Hooray for the return of Mazall!

  2. Claire June 12, 2009 at 4:31 am #

    He has a cute butt. Full of steroids.

    Aaaahahahahahahhahaha i love mazall

    b. marc and i had this exact same idea where we’d watch a baseball game together and i’d ask ridiculous questions but you beat us to it!!! DAMN! it’s cause whenever the cubs play anyone i keep having to work.

    Drew/Tyler? Who was the hot basketball player I liked?

    • Molly June 12, 2009 at 4:34 am #

      maybe YOURS is bernie andrews??

    • Marc June 12, 2009 at 4:58 am #

      Wally Sczerbiak

      • Claire June 12, 2009 at 1:28 pm #

        yes. that man is nice.

      • Drewpreme June 12, 2009 at 1:58 pm #

        Thank you Marc…

      • Marc June 12, 2009 at 8:47 pm #

        No probs. You guys had this conversation while I was present via cellular phone, so I thought I would oblige.

  3. molly June 12, 2009 at 4:51 am #

    is bernie andrews even a real basketball player? i just made that up.

    • Molly June 12, 2009 at 4:52 am #

      mazall you are logged in as me. this is weird.

    • mazall June 12, 2009 at 4:53 am #

      whoa, weird. that was me commenting with the bernie andrews thing. apologies all around.
      and thanks mene!

  4. mazall June 12, 2009 at 4:53 am #

    whoa trip fest. or too much baseball. going to bed. peath out.

  5. Jon Smith June 12, 2009 at 4:04 pm #

    Hilarious! Oh, and I almost forgot….

    EIGHT and 0 … ouch!

    • Molly June 12, 2009 at 4:08 pm #


  6. Alyssa June 12, 2009 at 4:19 pm #

    OMG this is amazing. Mazall, I heart you. And Marc, Wally is hot. I made my ex pick him for his fantasy basketball team just so I had eye candy to look at … he’s quite dreamy …

    • Marc June 12, 2009 at 8:50 pm #

      Geez, you really screwed your ex on that one. Good job I suppose?

  7. Drewpreme June 12, 2009 at 5:12 pm #

    Molly I never see you root for the Braves as hard as you do for the Yankees… I find that suspect, and its why I don’t follow the Janquis because it seems way too easy to be a fan of the Yank These… Its much more respectable to be a Braves fan in the Mets domain than being another non-descript Pinstripe Pumper…

    • Molly June 12, 2009 at 5:19 pm #

      Then you have obviously never WATCHED a Braves game with me. In 2005, when we lost the division series to the Astros after the longest baseball game on the face of the earth, I cried. Just ask Emily. And get prepared for our Subway Series blog battle you disgusting Met you.

  8. Drewpreme June 12, 2009 at 5:15 pm #

    PS… Mazall and a bat.

    ‘Nuff Said.

  9. London June 18, 2009 at 4:35 pm #

    True story…Molly did cry when the Braves lost to the ‘stros. I had to vow to never be a fan of the Houston Astros for the rest of my life, even though I am from Texas.

    • Molly June 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm #

      At least I let you have the Rangers?

  10. London June 18, 2009 at 4:49 pm #

    Ummm thanks….I guess! As long as I have the Cowboys and Mavs, we’re ok. I met Wade Phillips and Mark Cuban on Saturday. Let’s just say my year is complete now, well at least until I find a job.


  1. Three’s Company « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - April 28, 2010

    […] realized that this blog features a lot of two-person interaction—me and Molly, or Molly and Mazall, sometimes even Mazall and Aggy—but rarely have you delighted in seeing three of us together. […]

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