Why Girls Shouldn’t Talk About Sports (Unless You’re Erin Andrews)

Erin aka not us. Unless she's interviewing a bee.

I love sports and I’m a girl, but for the most part, the two just don’t mix. If you need a reason besides A League of Their Own, the following email chain should give you PLENTY of them. The back story here is that 5 of us were involved in a lengthy “reply-to-all” e-mail discussion about globalization and its effect on food prices in developing countries a cute boy. Around e-mail #24, we realized how stereotypical this was and all swore to delete it and start a new topic of conversation, therein finding redemption. Then this happened:

Diversity Training: Movie Break!

Sometimes, your friends take you by surprise.  Whether it’s Tyler dropping the Kyoto Protocol into normal conversation or Claire telling a story that is not only relevant but also easy-to-follow, every now and then I’m floored by mon amis.  Like this little  ditty from Drew at 9:42 AM on a Tuesday:
“BTW – I’ve decided that Anna Faris is playing you when the Drewpreme movie gets made.  I was watching The House Bunny.”

Needless to say, this called for a Q&A…

Diversity Training with Drewpreme: The Advice Column

Here for you

Okay people, stop being so jealous of the post-racial, divinely platonic, earth-shatteringly cool relationship Drew and I have. I’m sorry your friends suck so much. Anyway, this week, Drew has agreed to answer all of YOUR diverse questions, to “spread the wealth” so to speak. Just like Obama!!!! Here we go, Drewpreme. A thousand apologies in advance…

Drew,
Um, is it appropriate to have Suri Cruise’s haircut at 26? Is that desirable?
Thanks,
Mazall

Drew: I’m gonna have to say the Nay-No on that one, unless you particularly like imitating the visages of a soulless anti-Christ. I’m convinced that she has no soul, is the first successful cloned human (that was revealed to the public), and that dastardly mop of hers just hides the Scientology logo that’s branded into her skull à la Damian in “The Omen” (1976). In fact she resembles the little hell spawn… So please abstain from all things Suri Cruise. I even regret being photoshopped over her on the Vanity Fair cover…

tomkitten

Diversity Training with Drewpreme, Style edition

To demonstrate that diversity training goes both ways, Drew and I will now educate each other on controversial topics. And by controversial topics I mean clothes. After all, Drew has more in common with his twiggy, fashionista co-workers than they might suspect. He’s the only man I know that travels to another borough to get his “wig tightened” and he has more accessories than a Claire’s boutique. I, on the other hand, simply dress well by wearing the opposite of whatever Mazall wears (sorry, babe, but this is punishment for refusing to have my child). But even two style-conscious mavens like Drew and myself stop dead in our well-heeled tracks to contemplate certain fashion trends we don’t understand. Thankfully, we’ve got each other to help sort it all out.

Drew: So, Molly, what’s with the proliferation of ballet shoe footwear as fashion? I mean seriously, these cannot be good for logging miles in the urban jungle…

Molly: Au contraire, mon Drewpreme. These shoes are actually PERFECT for the commute. They are adorable and comfortable, and you can wear them to work OR switch into heels when you get there. You must agree that there is nothing worse than wearing big ol’ commuter sneakers with an otherwise chic work outfit (sorry, Alyssa).

Drew: HRUMPH. The chicks that wear ballet shoes look like the only walking they do is to catch a cab. But you make a point. The slouch socks and Sketchers with a suit is not what’s hot on the streets.

Life is still hard, for Mazall

For some of us, life is easy.  For Mazall, life is hard.  A collection of complaints from the past week:

March 29th, 5:50 PM
mazall: but when i save netflixes to watch with you, you never end up
watching them
you’re not there for me
life is hard

March 30th, 2:00 PM
mazall:  omg someone should make undies that say “YES YOU CAN” on the crotch
yessssss
life is NOT hard
when i think of great ideas

March 30th, 2:52 PM
mazall: ugh i read some of that book last night and just tallied my debt
SAD
life is HARD
I need to marry someone rich

March 31st, 3:05PM
mazall: damnit i forgot my gym clothes.  life is hard.

April 3rd, 12:41PM
mazall: where is life is hard with mazall hmmmm?
me: that’s on Saturdays
mazall: no way! friday
I WANT IT ON FRIDAY! life is hard sigh

April 3rd, 5:50 PM
mazall: tous che
sp?
eh
life is hard
molly:  touché

April 3rd, 5:13 PM
mazall:  i wish i had been alive in the 60’s so i could have slept with jimi hendrix
life is hard
and then raised our mixed race love child
sigh

Diversity Training with Drewpreme

 

DDD: Drew Don't Discriminate

When we read Drew’s comment about Claire’s mother, Janice:

 Your mom has just surpassed Meredith Vieira on my “Slightly Older Non-Urban Women I’d Like To Drink A 40 & Kick It On The Porch With On A Summer Afternoon” List

We snort-laughed at the thought of Drew, Mer, two rocking chairs and 80 ounces of beer.  What would they talk about?  Where’s there a porch?!  Forget Barack Obama or Halle Berry….THIS is why MLK had a dream.  Obviously, we needed to see the rest of that list.  Drew’s response, after the jump:

Diversity Training with Drewpreme

Classy and Sassy

In order to keep Drew off the streets, we like to invite him to our apartment in Harlem. Mainly, we get “schooled” on keeping it real. Drew offers a wealth of knowledge and commentary that helps us become well-rounded people, like “Just because Ghostface says it doesn’t mean you can” or “What’s up with your shoes?” Plus, when we wear big sunglasses, people think he is our bodyguard. Fame! Anyway, Drew will be guest DJ-ing this Saturday night at Cafe 50 West with “his man” Jay-Cee. Obviously, we will be there, but more importantly, I have song requests. And in my never-ending quest to completely outsource this blog, I’m asking Drew for an analysis of my selections. What do these songs say about me, a pensive and introspective white girl?

My requests:

Baby Love by the Supremes. This has been in my head for a while.
Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks. Even Gangsters love this song, right?
For Once In My Life by Stevie Wonder.
American Boy by Estelle ft. Kanye West. PLEASE I can’t help it. I love it, plus you can do that “I’m dancing but not really dancing just twisting my hips and being nonchalant” dance to it.
Bossy by Kelis. Am I lame for still REALLY liking this song?
I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston. best. song. ever.
Single Ladies by Beyonce, clearly. But before you dismiss me as a top 40 parasite, this is mainly so I can see Mazall do the dance.

(Drew has also ranked the likelihood that he will play these songs, on a scale from one to 10. One being “I will lose all the black street cred I have if I play this in front of anyone besides you” and 10 being “you’re pretty fly for a white girl.” )

The Drewnalysis, after the jump