Diversity Training with Drewpreme: The Advice Column

16 Apr
Here for you

Here for you

Okay people, stop being so jealous of the post-racial, divinely platonic, earth-shatteringly cool relationship Drew and I have. I’m sorry your friends suck so much. Anyway, this week, Drew has agreed to answer all of YOUR diverse questions, to “spread the wealth” so to speak. Just like Obama!!!! Here we go, Drewpreme. A thousand apologies in advance…

Drew,
Um, is it appropriate to have Suri Cruise’s haircut at 26? Is that desirable?
Thanks,
Mazall

Drew: I’m gonna have to say the Nay-No on that one, unless you particularly like imitating the visages of a soulless anti-Christ. I’m convinced that she has no soul, is the first successful cloned human (that was revealed to the public), and that dastardly mop of hers just hides the Scientology logo that’s branded into her skull à la Damian in “The Omen” (1976). In fact she resembles the little hell spawn… So please abstain from all things Suri Cruise. I even regret being photoshopped over her on the Vanity Fair cover…

tomkitten

tomkitten

Dear Drabby,
I work somewhere where there are women. Lots of them. And since I never get time off, I find myself dating them. I’m pretty sure this is not good. Help!
Signed,
Hospital Glasses

Drew: Whaddup Glasses. I’m conflicted on this one, as I too work in a femme-dominated environment. I mean, I understand the whole mantra of not dipping your pen in the company ink, but as an outsider looking in, it seems like you’re in a perfect storm for poon. From all the hospital shows and other medical professionals I know, hooking up seems to be a perk of the job. We all know that working in close quarters for extended periods of time leads to relations. This has been proven everywhere from corporate America to correctional facilities. However instead of worrying about dropping the soap, you guys are dropping scrubs in the break rooms. Again I’d like to think that you’d have the extra advantage of meeting women who understand your lifestyle and schedule with out having to explain it all. That alone adds miles to a relationship. On the flipside you’re stuck with this person for your entire 36-hour shift, and the line between personal life and professional life gets really blurred. Plus there’s the added pressure of you better have hit that well so you don’t become a water cooler joke. Hmm. We got quite a conundrum here. How about this: throw the doctors my way, and I’ll send you the crafty crafters from my job on some Work Hookup Exchange… To be continued. (Molly’s Note: OR NOT!)

Drew Dahling,
I’m the least racist person I know, but some things about the general “clientèle/ambiance” of Harlem still make me mad. Boom boxes at 3 in the morning, chicken wings stuck to the bottom of my shoe, drug busts by the park, lack of organic shopping, etc. How do I better embrace these things instead of letting them get me down?
xo,
Molly

Drew: Welcome to New York. The city that never sleeps. Look man, people are going to hang out and enjoy their lives. Which involves intoxicants, music, and eats, and soaking it all up in the greatest urban environment in the world. These are the things that makes New York great and helps retain its character, as developers and gentrifiers try to strip that away condo by condo. You need to embrace these things while you’re here. The general rule of thumb is that you let people enjoy themselves and you enjoy yourself – the city is big enough for everybody. I mean I’ll flip the script on you. Think about all those local Athenians that tolerated all the drunken fragganackle that you UGA kids raised. I’m sure they mumbled like a mollifok under their collective breaths about the rabble-rousers, but for the most part, let you all be.

what?

what?

Same rules apply here, its just part of your life in the big city. Gotta appreciate that Harlem is probably one of the last vestiges of generational occupation left in the borough of Manhattan. I mean you can always head back to the Upper East Side, or a super quiet cul-de-sac in a nondescript suburban subdivision. Organic shopping – whats that? They sell Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos there?


Hi. What are the fashion rules concerning when and where I can don a Fedora?
-Marc

Drew: Fedoras are classic, and can be pretty much worn anywhere. Plus, I think the more you wear it, you turn down the volume on the “HEY I’M FASHION FORWARD WITH MY FEDORA!” and just work it in to your everyday swag, as a de rigueur accessory. Sometimes people put the accessory over the person wearing it, where it should be there person making the accessory. I’ve been meaning to buy one for the last few years but never got around to it. When I say fedora, I don’t mean those H&M or Urban Outfitters joints, but those classic wool felt hats that were standard fare for American males up through the 1950s. If you want a great movie of fedoras, I recommend “Hoodlum” about legendary Harlem gangster Ellsworth “Bumpy” Johnson, starring Laurence Fishburne in the title role, Andy Garcia (as Charles “Lucky” Luciano), Tim Roth (as Dutch Schultz), and the forever fine Vanessa Williams.

Drew,
What does a guy mean when he says he likes you but doesn’t want to put a label on things?
Thanks,
“Tila Tequilla”

Drew: He means that you should just enjoy the ride of the dude you’re with. Hang out in the passenger seat, listen to the tunes, be a great road trip companion and co-pilot and you can potentially drive cross-country if not farther. However if you start questioning where he’s going and giving unsolicited directions then you might get put out at the next convenient stop. (Yes, the driving allegory is spot on and if you think about how pissed off men get when women keep asking “Do you know where you’re going to?” it’s the exact same thing). Let Diana Ross handle that question. We’ll get to where WE need to be. Just have faith.

Dear Drew:
I’ve been considering dating black women but fear they all act like the flavor of love girls. Is this a correct assumption?

Signed,
Sookie


Drew: Well, coming from a predominantly black family I’ve been blessed to see the range of black womanhood. Unfortunately, this is not the image conveyed in regular TV programming. So, without getting into a whole diatribe about imagery in the media, I just want to say that basing your opinion on sisters is like me using the cast of “Rock of Love” as my watermark for all white chicks. I mean, to even consider “Flavor of Love” chicks as some sort of representation of anything is foolhardy. Seriously? These hookers are competing over the affections of Flavor Flav? Sad. The only think sadder is that for most, the legacy of Public Enemy – one of the greatest musical groups ever, will be derailed by this guys tomfoolery.

Drew,
Should I sleep with a guy on the first date?
“Clare”

Drew: Yes. As Andre “3000” Benjamin said on the classic album “The Love Below” – “She probably thinks I think she’s a freak, but it’s just that she knows what she wants.” Men like women who know what they want and are honest enough to say or do it – sans regret.

Soulmates: fact or fiction?
–Anonymous white girl

EGAD – do I have to answer this? Um… NO.

In a hot tub with my soul mate

In a hot tub with my soul mate

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18 Responses to “Diversity Training with Drewpreme: The Advice Column”

  1. mazall April 16, 2009 at 7:24 pm #

    drew, sweetie dawling, i must disagree with you on two points:
    1. sleep with a guy on a first date – ladies, DO NOT. he may be back for more for a time, but he will not introduce you to anyone as his girlfriend. ever. please trust me on this one. been there done that once or twice… or more times. *cough*

    2. he doesn’t want to put a label on things – drew says go along for the ride. i say GET OUT NOW. RUN. because guess what… he’s just not that into you. (yea, i saw the movie. i know what’s up.)

    • Drewpreme April 16, 2009 at 8:27 pm #

      The first date thing is debatable. You can go either way with it.

      As for #2. I think this one of those inherent flaws of communication betwixt the genders. If everything is going great, he said he likes you, spends his time with you, does all the things you want, with out him “Officially Saying It”, is that a bad thing? Or do you need to spook the whole situation because of your need of verbal validation? (Which never speaks as loud as action).

      Better yet how about the poor sap of a guy who actually does tell the girl he wants to make it official and “She’s just not that into you?”, or he brings up it “way too early” and the girl and the rest of the coven cackle about how he loused it up with “being weird”. Its a two way street. The fact of the matter is that you need to base it off your life and your gut instinct, and not some bitter mothereffers who made a multi-million dollar payday off people’s suffering with their faux understanding via a best selling book and movie.

      You can get that for free with a hotel room Bible and downloading “The Passion” off the internets.

      • Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:40 pm #

        Love the Mel Gibson ref.

  2. Claire April 16, 2009 at 7:50 pm #

    This is why I only hold hands and cuddle.

  3. Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:03 pm #

    Does the German know that?

  4. mazall April 16, 2009 at 8:32 pm #

    drew, it’s definitely debatable, but i think after a 3 or 4 months its nice to
    know what’s the haps. and whether or not he’s racking up other babes when he’s not with you.

    (claire, seriously does the german know??)

    • mazall April 16, 2009 at 8:34 pm #

      does the german read this? (if so, hi german!)

    • Drewpreme April 16, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

      I say six months… Because we can be equally checking out your overall scene as well ladies.

      • Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:55 pm #

        This is why abstinence is ALWAYS the best policy.

        ps Hi Mom!

  5. Claire April 16, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    I FEEL AWKWARD

    • Molly April 16, 2009 at 8:54 pm #

      I’VE CREATED A MONSTER

      • Drewpreme April 16, 2009 at 9:12 pm #

        Yeah man… How did these all wind up as relationship questions?

  6. Molly April 16, 2009 at 9:16 pm #

    Unfortunately all my friends are single….hmmmm….

    • Drewpreme April 17, 2009 at 1:20 pm #

      And abstinent…

      • mazall April 17, 2009 at 4:38 pm #

        HA!

  7. mazall April 17, 2009 at 4:38 pm #

    p.s. i only have eyes for you baby jesus.

  8. Mary Blakemore April 18, 2009 at 4:42 pm #

    Dear Claire + Molly,

    Sorry to bombard your comment section but I couldn’t find your email addresses anywhere. I wanted to send you both a thank you for posting my Gallery Girls link in your “Other Things in the web we like.” I really appreciate it. Also, cool blog, I’m looking forward to reading more.

    X x
    Mary

    • Molly April 27, 2009 at 8:44 pm #

      We are big fans, Mary!

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