Why Girls Shouldn’t Talk About Sports (Unless You’re Erin Andrews)

19 May
Not us.

Erin aka not us. Unless she's interviewing a bee.

I love sports and I’m a girl, but for the most part, the two just don’t mix. If you need a reason besides A League of Their Own, the following email chain should give you PLENTY of them. The back story here is that 5 of us were involved in a lengthy “reply-to-all” e-mail discussion about globalization and its effect on food prices in developing countries a cute boy. Around e-mail #24, we realized how stereotypical this was and all swore to delete it and start a new topic of conversation, therein finding redemption. Then this happened:

(I will write it in a Twitter-esque style so Claire can cover it in Time)

Molly: Can you believe that Congress is trying to limit the penalties that credit cards inflict upon risky borrowers? Discuss.

Mazall: atrocious, simply atrocious. how ’bout them braves?

Molly: Ugh. lost to Rockies. How bout them Bees?

Mazall: welp my sister and brother went to a BUZZ game last week and got sunburned. that’s all i know.

Molly: Of course they did.

Claire #2: It’s ok Mazz–the last time I went to ANY baseball game, Molly yelled at me for wanting to go home…I stayed but would have rather been cozy in my bed HEARING the rain, not getting rained upon and molested by the big dude with the baseball head.

Mazall: THANK YOU claire. i’m glad to know i’m not the only one. sniff. (although i may be the only one who would have bought that there is a half time in baseball)

Molly: OH MY GOD CLAIRE HIS NAME IS MR. MET!

Blog Claire: I even know that! ….am I the sporty Claire?

Mazall: you’re definitely the sporty claire.

Molly: I’m….actually….not sure if you are the sporty Claire. I feel like I’d need to hold some sort of semi-Olympics/trivia contest between the two of you. An idea I’m actually very excited about…CAN I?!?!?!

Claire #2: I will have you all know that I played softball in middle school and was a badass first baseman, but also loved to play catcher so I could talk shiz to all the little wimpy girls coming up to bat….but yes, Claire, you might be the sporty Claire as the years have killed my love for sports.

Molly: Blog Claire DOES run in the park every day. But she also wears a sparkly headband.

Mazall: claire #2 i could see how you’d be a wicked sweet athlete. down and dirty. i played soccer in middle school. i was too fat to run fast so they had me be the goalie and i didn’t like falling and smashing into the ball so i quit. i played with karl malone’s kids. i was fat and they were black so we were friends. the blonde kids laughed at us. (no offense blonde claires)

Molly: “i was fat and they were black so we were friends.” OMG where is Drew

Mazall: yessssss

Molly: It’s moments like this that make me proud to be your roomie. And a little scared.

Claire #2: I like how this went from congress and credit cards to soccer.

Blog Claire: I’ll have you know that I woke up at 6 am today and ran 4 miles.

Molly: Which headband did you wear today princess?

Blog Claire: I played volleyball and basketball in middle school and was awesome at them cause I was tall. Also played softball, was atrocious. Ran track in high school. Rode horses from ages 6-18. One summer I did barrel racing, heh.

Molly: pickle barrel? was it the summer of 1929?

Blog Claire: There is a gold [headband] on my desk at work…..damn it

Mazall: and speaking of the ‘mail man’ i used to LOVE the Jazz. i collected all of the trader cards and had a million signatures because i went to school with most of their kids. so there is my athletic cred.

Molly: Also, Maz, I dont think you can get athlete cred with a team named the Jazz. Espesh if you were just keeping their trading cards because you were scared of your black friends.

Mazall: um hellooooo, the Jazz rocked the basketball world circa late 90’s. they were slc’s claim to fame. i even think we beat the lakers in the nba playoffs or whatever the hell that is.

Molly: It’s called the NBA World Series

Mazall: NO IT’S NOT! i do know THAT.

Blog Claire: “rocked the basketball world circa late 90’s.” If by “Jazz” you mean BULLS.

Mazall: um NO, i mean “jazz”. the chicago Bulls were undeniably good but the Jazz was right up there with them. seriously people….. John Stockton??? Karl Malone?? Mark “Horny” Hornaceck???

Blog Claire: except the bulls won both championships against the jazz….

Mazall: IN FACT, the jazz played the bulls in the finals 97-98. the bulls won, but it means we were number 2 at least!

Molly: Also, Mazall writes about sports like she’s writing for Wikipedia: Mark “Horny” Hornaceck

Blog Claire: #2 is the first loser

Mazall: oh, okay sorry. i’m having a seizure. too… much… sports… talk *cut to david*

Molly: If you’re not first, you’re last — “Ricky” Bobby

Mazall: i know. that’s what i said. but i’m saying we were good enough to even get there. sheesh. (why am i getting worked up about this. ugh lame.)

Molly: Because deep down inside your emo exterior, there’s a fat little goalie who really wanted to play point guard for the SLC Jazzy Buzz Bees.

Blog Claire: I’m just excited to be talking about 1990s sports – back when Chicago had a good team. Mazall, were you really a fat kid? i totally don’t believe it.

Molly: As a braves fan, I am also particularly fond of the 90s. well 1991 to 2005 TO BE EXACT

Mazall: it is kind of exciting isn’t it! i wish i still had my trader cards. here’s how girly that was though…i kept them in a glass, 1960’s jewelry box with some flower petals that were for my very own homemade “perfumes”.

Molly: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW. MAZALL OVERLOAD. Also maz, tyler says its Jeff Hornacek. CLEARLY you know what you are talking about.

Blog Claire: me: from now on we should call mazall the Utah Mazz. Molly: YES!

Mazall: damnit i meant mark eaton. sigh. and yes claire, i was totally the fat kid

Mazall: they called him “Horny”!! don’t blame me. love utah mazz. approved.

Claire #2: Horney reminds me of the Charlotte Hornets….RIP.

Molly: LOL AMAZING. Not only because you wrote RIP but because when I looked them up on wikipedia there were THREE Charlotte Hornets, all of them dead.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Hornets

Claire #2: The NBA team is the only one that I care about. I had a stuffed Hornet that I used to carry around with me as a kid. Man, those were the days…

Mazall: okay so bees, buzz, hornets are a theme in sports it seems. not so weird now is it moll?

Molly: Bulls and hawks are bigger than bugs

Mazall: so are jazz…bands…?

Molly: Exactly. Also, can’t wait for alyssa to get back on gmail to her 50 unread messages.

E-mail from Alyssa, 15 minutes later

From: Alyssa [redacted]
Date: Tue, May 19, 2009 at 12:20 PM
Subject: I HATE YOU ALL …
To: Mazall [redacted], Molly [redacted], Claire [redacted], Claire [redacted]

I have a freakin’ hour-long meeting and I come back to 57 FREAKING MESSAGES. YOU PEOPLE ARE INSANE.

(Molly’s note: that’s like a message a minute! impressive.)

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48 Responses to “Why Girls Shouldn’t Talk About Sports (Unless You’re Erin Andrews)”

  1. Sookie May 19, 2009 at 9:40 pm #

    Everything about this just ruined my evening and I havent even had to listen to Drew yammering on about the Knicks chances at winning the lottery or the announcers talk about how great Kobe is tonight.

    And that was all before (I am assuming) Claire #2 claimed that “Mark Hornaceck” played for the Charlotte Hornets…

    At least Maz made me laugh with the “I was fat and they were black” comment and made Mark Eatons decade when hell have a new, recent entry come up when he googles himself…

    *heads to his gym in hopes of an evening of exchanging smiles with Erin Andrews again*

    • Molly May 19, 2009 at 9:45 pm #

      No it was Mazall. Which is even a more logical assumption….so YOU FAIL.

      • mazall May 19, 2009 at 9:47 pm #

        i claimed that mark hornaceck played for the utah jazz. i don’t even know what sport the charlotte hornets play in.

    • Molly May 19, 2009 at 9:48 pm #

      MAZ! WE JUST WENT OVER THIS!

      • mazall May 19, 2009 at 9:49 pm #

        ugh i fail at sports

    • Drewpreme May 20, 2009 at 1:23 am #

      After seeing Erin Andrews in person myself, you have a greater fail than Preme watching “Sleepers” with a woman of ill repute who got ready for her job at the ice cream shoppe, by bumpin’ that Dwight Gooden Pudding.

      Erin Andrews is so fine I’d drink the sweat that pooled in her ever so nubile belly button. You gotta make up for that one Riggs.

  2. Claire May 19, 2009 at 9:40 pm #

    that boy in the initial emails is really cute.

    • mazall May 19, 2009 at 9:44 pm #

      second that. i wish there was a way to get that photo on there without blowing his cover. sigh. oh well.

      • Molly May 19, 2009 at 9:49 pm #

        Want me to do a paint job?

  3. mazall May 19, 2009 at 9:51 pm #

    uhhh no. he could still see it and recognize his body. do not attempt.

  4. claire - the other one May 19, 2009 at 9:59 pm #

    Sooks–I said it REMINDED me of the Charlotte Hornets…get your ish straight. BTW, hi, how are you? we used to talk via Molly a lot more 2 years ago. (insert tears here)

  5. Claire May 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm #

    all of the autmatically generated posts are from our own blog.

  6. Claire May 19, 2009 at 10:34 pm #

    all of the automatically generated posts are from our own blog.

    • molly May 20, 2009 at 2:09 am #

      the internets is smarter than we thought

  7. Marc May 19, 2009 at 11:18 pm #

    HEY BLOG CLAIRE. “I’m just excited to be talking about 1990s sports – back when Chicago had a good team. ”

    The Blackhawks are in the conference finals, the Bears have Jay Cutler and your putrid Cubs have won two division titles in a row.
    I’m exceedingly close to disowning you for that statement.

    The rest of you….good god.

  8. Claire May 19, 2009 at 11:49 pm #

    UGGGGGHHHH MARC. Blackhawks don’t count. Bears have Jay Cutler but that doesn’t mean they’ll win. Cubs are doing well now but in terms of World Series stuff, I’ll believe it when I see it.

    • Marc May 19, 2009 at 11:51 pm #

      OH MY GOD YOU JUST SAID THE BLACKHAWKS DON’T COUNT.

      • Claire May 19, 2009 at 11:56 pm #

        Hockey is the most fun to watch, but I didn’t grow up watching them and therefore counting them as an important team is like counting the Chicago Hopscotch Society.

      • Marc May 20, 2009 at 12:00 am #

        1. How did you not grow up watching them? I grew up watching them and I didn’t even grow up in Chicago
        2. LIES
        3. Everyone knows the Chicago Hopscotch Society is the worst hopscotch society this side of the Atlantic. It’s a joke organization and I’m insulted by the comparison.

      • molly May 20, 2009 at 2:09 am #

        IT’S COPTERS!

      • Claire May 20, 2009 at 3:03 am #

        My parents are Southern. Southerners don’t do hockey. It was not watched in our house. Only baseball and football and basketball.

        I did have a Walter Payton poster in my room when I was 3 though. I wanted to marry him. Well, either him, Mr. Rogers or Hulk Hogan. I was a conflicted toddler.

  9. Drewpreme May 20, 2009 at 1:18 am #

    I don’t even know where to begin on this entry. As the racial conscience? The athletic conscience? The Knicks Fan? I’m so confused… Seriously this is the first non-Stephen A. Smith sports discussion that gave me a headache, and there was no YELLING HERE!!!!

    *chases NyQuil with Olde English*
    *pauses*

    Well first off – Mazzarellz. I have to give you props for befriending probably 27% of the black population of Utah. I knew there was a reason we clicked. Sadder still you probably had more black friends other than me and Sookie at this point of repliers AND YOU LIVED IN UTAH!!!!!

    Speaking of Utah, JAZZ is the most inappropriately named franchise in sports. I was hoping the first mascot name trade in sports history that was proposed was going to go down. It goes like this – When the Hornets moved to N’awlins from Charlotte (my second home) there was talk about giving the team back its name “The Jazz” and it would have worked even better since Utah is “The Bee Hive State”. Alas the hot sound of the first formally recognized black American music form in a league that is 90% brohams, is represented by bucolic snow capped mountains and Mormons. EGAD…

    *takes another Quil & OE shot*

    If I’m still up I’ll keep checking the comment thread.

    Molly already hates me for this response… 🙂

    Who’s going to Wogies?

    • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 1:28 am #

      Amen to everything Preme said. Utah Jazz in the whitest state in america is an insult to black people of all races two passions….basketball and music.

      In addition as the White Chocolate to Preme’s C Webb the Kings were my squad in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. For this reason I have and will always hate both the Jazz and the worst ethnically diverse duo of all time in Stockton and Malone.

      My hate for those two runs so deep that back in the Dream Team days McDonalds did 32 oz cups for every player on the team. I still have every cup from every player on that team in the attic of my parents…except for the Stockton and Malone ones that I always refused.

      • Marc May 20, 2009 at 1:36 am #

        The only worthwhile thing Karl Malone ever did was to beat the hell out of Barney in a game of one on one. Wait, that was Charles Barkley you say? Karl Malone has never done anything worthwhile, ever.
        I’d would hate those two more, but their Jazz teams gracefully rolled over to the Bulls twice, and for that all I can do is laugh at their misfortune.

      • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 1:52 am #

        Thats not true Marc. He also started a successful trucking company…redneck ass dude

  10. mazall May 20, 2009 at 1:40 am #

    Hate Stockton and Malone??? What’s the reasoning behind that? That they were one of the most famous duos in basketball at the time and made the Jazz legit? Also, the whole team came from Louisiana so you can’t hate on the Utah factor. Location doesn’t matter. Tyler, you may live in Hicksville, Georgia, but that doesn’t mean you can’t hang on the streets of New York (pretending to be my roommate on NOT YOUR CELLPHONE).

    If I had to guess, your jealousy would be because the Hawks bit it in the 90’s. Practically no titles aside from the 94 fiasco, and you guys lost Dominique Wilkins and also that really cool Pacman logo. BOO YA.

    • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 1:51 am #

      If that was from anyone else Id be mildly impressed but I know that a woman who thought there was a halftime in baseball would have to google the sh*t out of everything you wrote. You do realize that from 1980-1999 the Hawks only missed the playoffs 2 years right? They traded Nique (on the decline)

      Stockton and Malone arent even the most duo in Utah (that would be Donnie and Marie Osmond) much less in basketball. They are some of the dirties players in bball during their run and if anyone outside of the state watched them on a nightly basis they would know this. Only in Utah could such a white black man be cheered for…

    • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 1:53 am #

      oh and comedy at a girl from Utah referring to ATL as Hicksville

  11. mazall May 20, 2009 at 2:00 am #

    excuse me, who’s been in NYC for 8 years now? and how many times in the 90s did you guys make it to the finals? just curious…

    • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 2:10 am #

      ill put the hawks rings in the 90s against the jazz

    • molly May 20, 2009 at 2:10 am #

      No no no maz, its not hicksville. It’s CARTERSVILLE. Population: 3.

    • Drewpreme May 20, 2009 at 2:14 am #

      The Knicks have a Finals appearance in the 90s.

      Suck it nerds!!!

      Sorry. Back to Maz v. Sook.

      *has Quil but no more OE*

      • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 2:21 am #

        2 words Preme

        John Starks

      • Drewpreme May 20, 2009 at 2:43 am #

        Touché.

        Two words.

        John Koncak.

        LOL

      • molly May 20, 2009 at 2:57 am #

        Oh I got this Maz! Drew, you mean CONTRACT.

      • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 3:04 am #

        you both can suck on worn gym socks

        *puts on his Priest Lauderdale authentic jersey and rocks in corner*

      • molly May 20, 2009 at 3:22 am #

        Priest. Lol. http://www.checkoutmycards.com/CardImages/Cards/001/836/06b.jpg

  12. Sookie May 20, 2009 at 2:20 am #

    and Maz if youre going to use a source for your bball arguments I suggest you use google and not molly. Shes about as useful as the Catapult designed by LA Gear for Karl Malone

    • Drewpreme May 20, 2009 at 3:06 am #

      Oooh. Burn!!!!

      The Catapult. Easily THEE WORST hoops shoe ever concocted. Until The Starbury’s auspicious debut.

      If you ladies need a translation Molly just got calledthe sneaker equivalent of Andrea from “90210”.

      *NyQuil is kicking in*
      *dreams of stealing rocks wearing a Cal hat while Maz is working*

  13. molly May 20, 2009 at 3:20 am #

    I really hope Erin Andrews is reading all of this.

    • Sookie May 20, 2009 at 4:21 am #

      Me too! I havent seen her at my gym since our last encounter and need an icebreaker. This would be a great one!

  14. Cara May 20, 2009 at 4:48 am #

    Too much sports talk on the blog….booooring…

  15. mazall May 20, 2009 at 1:34 pm #

    *yawn* yea, basketball, baseball, bladee bloo, where’s my champagne cocktail??

  16. claire - the other one May 20, 2009 at 2:00 pm #

    I can’t believe this all happened today before 10am

  17. Molly May 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm #

    Um, this has become the most read post on our blog ever. In less than 24 hours. Maybe girls SHOULD talk about sports??

    • mazall May 20, 2009 at 2:57 pm #

      noooo, where’s my pony?

      • Claire May 21, 2009 at 7:09 pm #

        he died.

  18. Looky-Lou May 21, 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    Hey Claire it’s Lou.
    I miss You.

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