Alyssa: Anything BUT Status Quo

Alyssa's new status message: NOT SINGLE TONIGHT!

Status messages on Gmail or Facebook (wait, shouldn’t Claire be writing this?) reveal a lot about a person.  Everyone has their own style, their own unique way of telling the world what’s up.  Claire’s typically have to do with me (UGH MOLLY!) or journalism (reading about pampered pets for a Q&A tomorrow. Question one: WTF? Question two: Stop it).   Drew’s are either rap lyrics or hilarious (Drew…is gonna go shirtless with a cold one in the driveway. You think property values are down now? Just you wait).  Mazall’s are foreign and minimalistic (le sigh), while Mene’s and Evan’s just never change.  Ever.

But no one compares to Alyssa.  Those lucky enough to see her name at the left side of their Gmail screen are given SERIOUS access to Alyssa’s brain, for good or for bad, because nothing is off-limits.  A random sampling of Alyssa’s topical range….

Diversity Training with Drewpreme: The Advice Column

Here for you

Okay people, stop being so jealous of the post-racial, divinely platonic, earth-shatteringly cool relationship Drew and I have. I’m sorry your friends suck so much. Anyway, this week, Drew has agreed to answer all of YOUR diverse questions, to “spread the wealth” so to speak. Just like Obama!!!! Here we go, Drewpreme. A thousand apologies in advance…

Drew,
Um, is it appropriate to have Suri Cruise’s haircut at 26? Is that desirable?
Thanks,
Mazall

Drew: I’m gonna have to say the Nay-No on that one, unless you particularly like imitating the visages of a soulless anti-Christ. I’m convinced that she has no soul, is the first successful cloned human (that was revealed to the public), and that dastardly mop of hers just hides the Scientology logo that’s branded into her skull à la Damian in “The Omen” (1976). In fact she resembles the little hell spawn… So please abstain from all things Suri Cruise. I even regret being photoshopped over her on the Vanity Fair cover…

tomkitten

Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex

1. I can’t open the lid on my jar of strawberry-raspberry jam. I turned and squeezed and yanked and pulled for at least 15 minutes. I used one of those rubber jar opener things. I ran it under water. I yelled at it. My hands were sore and the lid would not budge but I refused to give up. But then…I gave up. If I starve to death, I blame the commercial canning process.

2. Why do people invite me to “events” on Facebook that occur in other cities? I have not lived in Nashville for a year and a half but even if I did, I wouldn’t go to your weekly trip-hop dubstep DJ spinning gig at the 24-hour pierced-nose and clothes-attached-with-safety-pins coffeeshop that I frequented when I was 19. Stop inviting me.

3. How come Nick has both a scooter and a cell phone that takes photos and yet I STILL have not received a photo of him on the scooter?

4. I did once have a hamster named Caligula! It’s true. She died a natural death. Other pets I have had are: Abu the dog (heart failure) Jack the dog (kidney failure) Pepper the dog (toe cancer) Sweetie Pie the horse (yes, the previous one said toe cancer) Firefox the horse (I JUST realized that he has the same name as my Internet browser) Thunder the hamster (old age) Patches the hamster (eaten by dogs) Splotches the hamster (also eaten by dogs) Jennifer the goldfish (never eaten) Blackie the goldfish (had no eyes) Princess the goldfish (upside down floating victim) and Barack Obama.

5. Why am I STILL sick? Two weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to die. I’m not dying anymore, now I’m just functionally ill. Molly says that it’s pigeon mating season and that I’m probably allergic to pigeon sex (see? Now her previous entry makes sense) but something (logic) tells me that’s probably not true. A better answer: I have polio.

6. There is no way in hell FDR and Elenor Roosevelt ever had sex.