Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex

24 Mar

1. I can’t open the lid on my jar of strawberry-raspberry jam. I turned and squeezed and yanked and pulled for at least 15 minutes. I used one of those rubber jar opener things. I ran it under water. I yelled at it. My hands were sore and the lid would not budge but I refused to give up. But then…I gave up. If I starve to death, I blame the commercial canning process.

2. Why do people invite me to “events” on Facebook that occur in other cities? I have not lived in Nashville for a year and a half but even if I did, I wouldn’t go to your weekly trip-hop dubstep DJ spinning gig at the 24-hour pierced-nose and clothes-attached-with-safety-pins coffeeshop that I frequented when I was 19. Stop inviting me.

3. How come Nick has both a scooter and a cell phone that takes photos and yet I STILL have not received a photo of him on the scooter?

4. I did once have a hamster named Caligula! It’s true. She died a natural death. Other pets I have had are: Abu the dog (heart failure) Jack the dog (kidney failure) Pepper the dog (toe cancer) Sweetie Pie the horse (yes, the previous one said toe cancer) Firefox the horse (I JUST realized that he has the same name as my Internet browser) Thunder the hamster (old age) Patches the hamster (eaten by dogs) Splotches the hamster (also eaten by dogs) Jennifer the goldfish (never eaten) Blackie the goldfish (had no eyes) Princess the goldfish (upside down floating victim) and Barack Obama.

5. Why am I STILL sick? Two weeks ago, I was pretty sure I was going to die. I’m not dying anymore, now I’m just functionally ill. Molly says that it’s pigeon mating season and that I’m probably allergic to pigeon sex (see? Now her previous entry makes sense) but something (logic) tells me that’s probably not true. A better answer: I have polio.

6. There is no way in hell FDR and Elenor Roosevelt ever had sex.


10 Responses to “Franklin Roosevelt, Dead Pets and Pigeon Sex”

  1. Molly March 24, 2009 at 3:04 am #

    I’m concerned about, among other things, your interchangeable usage of ‘can’ and ‘jar’.

  2. Claire March 24, 2009 at 3:06 am #

    jarring process??? it doesn’t work!

  3. Molly March 24, 2009 at 3:11 am #

    Good to know that concrete facts, unlike your canjar, are pliable.

  4. Marc March 24, 2009 at 4:06 am #

    Eleanor Roosevelt was a huge slut. Everyone knows this.

  5. mazall March 24, 2009 at 1:58 pm #

    it makes me uncomfortable for anyone to refer to eleanor as a ‘slut’. i liken it to the holy mother mary being labeled a tramp . . . come to think of it though . . . immaculate conception? miss ‘no i did not have sex with joseph’ really did have a serious case of the denials.

  6. Claire March 24, 2009 at 2:55 pm #

    I’m off the clock. I don’t deal with facts on this here contraption.

  7. Drewpreme Born Physical God Allah March 24, 2009 at 3:33 pm #

    I get to add another blog to my daily corporate sanctioned tomfoolery. The pressure is on ladies. Off to a good start, keep it going…

  8. Alyssa March 25, 2009 at 6:11 pm #

    i can’t stop laughing about toe cancer.

  9. Cara March 30, 2009 at 6:51 pm #

    Pretty sure I have a picture of pigeons having sex outside your kitchen window in January. So unless you were sick since then, I think you’re in the clear and be exposed to as much pigeon sex as you want. (See my Facebook January photo album for evidence of the pigeon sex. Unlike Nick, I document everything.)

    Also – I know exactly which Nashville events to which you refer, which makes me laugh even more…

  10. Daniel April 6, 2009 at 7:04 pm #

    #6 Yea, the thought has crossed my mind too. Because everyone knows Eleanor Roosevelt was a huge lesbian. But Eleanor Roosevelt totally had 5 children, and some of them were pretty obviously Franklin’s kids (as in, they were attractive).

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