Every Now and Then with Evan

12 Jun
This happened in the South.

Evan got hot nuts in the South.

So, sometimes Claire and I have to work on things besides this blog. I know. Which is why we take certain liberties when it comes to our “content”: farming it out to friends, making it up or, mainly, just cutting and pasting it from Gchat.

BUT EVAN HAS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT ANSWERING OUR FRIDAY QUESTIONS!!! My tv shows (PLURAL!) happen daily, Claire’s magazine is weekly. Evan? His publication comes out once a month, if even. Plus, he only has to cover one subject–Science! That’s like, the easiest one of all. The Earth is getting hot, Pluto’s not a planet, Stephen Hawkings is smart cause he talks in a robot voice. Done and done. And yet, Friday after Friday, Evan lets us down by ignoring our questions and breaking the hearts of tens of twenties of our weblog readers. To add insult to injury, he casually informed us that the latest questions were “lame”.

Now, in retrospect they were. Especially Claire’s (after all, when I promised Evan better questions this week she was suspiciously silent). Let’s take a look at what she asked a few weeks ago…

1. Would you say that the Jetsons qualifies as a show that occurs in Space? Or is it just Earth in the future?
2. Which celebrity have I insulted the worst: Lou Reed by holding a conversation with him for 10 minutes and not recognizing him, or Morgan Freeman by not knowing who he was when I was 13 and visited a movie set, asking him, “are you in the movie too?”
3. Speaking of Lou Bega, what happened to Mambos number #1, 2, 3, and 4?

Claire!!! Lou Bega doesn’t even know the answer to that!!!! Which brings us to this week’s very cautious and quite limited questions for Evan. Questions, might I add, he only agreed to answer after being threatened with an unkind obituary on the weblog. If you’re gonna “die”, the last people you want writing your obit are Claire and me. Or is it “Claire and I”? Evvaaaaannnn!!!!!

1. What kind of question makes the best Fridays with Evan question?

Evan: Right now, some wizened monk is writing the perfect haiku in languorous brush strokes, attempting to distill the mysteries of the universe into a handful of syllables, lines, and patterns of form and nothingness. You have set into motion a chain of events that will cause that monk to ponder the very same question, which will in turn cause him to totally flip his shit, throw his haikuing materials into a koi pond, and move to Honshu, where he will open a moderately successful pachinko parlor.

All I mean by this is that the best Fridays with Evan question allow me to effortlessly segue into some random internet crap that I am currently interested in. With the cat on a leash question, it was Maru. And with this question, GUESS WHAT IT’S STILL MARU:

You might have also done something that allows me to talk about Sarah Palin, who is still dumb. There is that feud she is having with Letterman over whether he intended some joke to be about A-Rod raping her 14-year-old daughter Willow. And even after unnecessarily apologizing at her for seven minutes and inviting them on his show, this is what her spokesperson (i..e professional PR person) says:

“The Palins have no intention of providing a ratings boost for David Letterman by appearing on his show. Plus, it would be wise to keep Willow away from David Letterman.”

Way to go, PR lady. Respond to an apology for a joke about a sex crime…by making a joke about how the comedian is a pedophile. But hey, Wasilla has A GIANT GUNDAM MECHA ROBOT, so we’ve taken this answer in a full circle back to Japan.

2. Why are so many planes crashing? Also, if black boxes are so important, shouldn’t they be fluorescent yellow i.e. easier to find in murky waters?

You see, this is a perfect Fridays with Evan question in an entirely different way. Factual, related to current events, and an opportunity to lord my Encyclopedia-Brown-style knowledge over all and sundry.

And so: flight data recorders, just like C. Thomas Howell in the classic film Soul Man, are not actually black. They’re orange.

Also, planes are crashing because Lost is the best show and everyone wants to go to that crazy island. I hear they are giving the smoke monster a spin-off.

3. I still want the answer to this one: Why are there no Jews in the South? Technically, we are farther away from Germany.

I’d like to put the conversation in which this question was asked on the record here:

Claire: Everyone I worked with at the paper in nashville was Jewish.
Molly: ok change to Georgia
Claire: no, go with South. Just point out that Jews own the media in the South too.
Molly: well duh
Evan: But you are closer to Argentina, where all the old germans went.
Molly: SAVE IT FOR THE BLOG, LERNER

And here we are. On the blog. And can I just say that I believe you are batting 1.000 with getting me to talk about the Nazis. Don’t know if this represents some deeper pathology and I am going to have to contend with Sir Ian McKellen in Apt Pupil or what, but I’m just going to roll with this.

The main issue I have with this question is that it complete ignores Florida, which last time I checked, was pretty much as South and as Jewy you can get. The last time I was at Nana’s retirement village, there was a toothless man incoherently yelling at cars from a white plastic lawn chair he had set up in the median of the entrance road. He appeared to be in his mid-20s. Methamphetamines are a hell of a drug.

(Molly’s note: FALSE. I will accept pockets of northern Florida as the prototypical South, like Tallahassee and the University of Florida dorms. But places where old people live off retirement funds [i.e. Ft. Lauderdale, Vero Beach] and gay people are welcomed [i.e. Miami, Orlando] are by no means Southern and do not dilute the theory contained in my question.)

By the way, I am throwing a Willow, Soul Man and Apt Pupil movie marathon in the basement of the J-School this weekend. I won’t be there, though, because those movies are terrible.

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5 Responses to “Every Now and Then with Evan”

  1. Marc June 12, 2009 at 8:46 pm #

    I have to agree with Molly on this Florida situation. Having been to Florida an innumerable amount of times, it’s pretty much nothing but the elderly, their relatives, tourists and cubans. I’m not even sure Florida was around when The South was forming its identity in the 19th century. From what I can tell they just threw some ramshackle buildings and neon signs together in the 50s and it’s stayed that way ever since.

    • Molly June 14, 2009 at 7:40 am #

      THANK YOU

  2. Claire June 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm #

    I agree with this Florida assessment. I’ve been to rural Florida and although it is Southern, there are no Jewish people there. They all live in the resort-y areas.

    Also, I’m a little unclear why my original questions were so bad. The Mambo question totally works, Evan could have talked about the history of the dance! And #1 is still something I wonder about.

    • Molly June 15, 2009 at 2:17 pm #

      The Jetsons was Hanna-Barbera’s space age counterpart to The Flintstones. Like the former show, it is a half-hour family sitcom projecting contemporary American culture and lifestyle into another time period[1]. While the Flintstones live in a world with machines powered by birds and dinosaurs, the Jetsons live in a futuristic utopia in the year 2062[2] of elaborate robotic contraptions, aliens, holograms, and whimsical inventions.

  3. Alyssa June 15, 2009 at 9:33 pm #

    Claire, do you have a problem with Jews from the South???

Go ahead, say it.

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