Jury Duty is the Real Crime

30 Oct

I whited out my last name. See #19.

Oh, hello there Internet. It’s been a while. Two days, in fact. You see, I had Jury Duty. Except that I didn’t. Because, apparently, when you get Jury Duty, you may not have ACTUAL JURY DUTY. You might just wait around for two days in a Chinatown Courtroom, avoiding eye contact with, let’s face it, everyone. Which is what I did. And I’m so SAD. I wanted my 12 Angry Men moment! I wanted to fight for justice! I wanted to meet Atticus Finch! Instead, here are my accomplishments from Jury Duty, in no particular order.

  1. Learned things about Siberia* until I realized a book described as “A cinematically evocative, often heartbreaking account of one of the world’s wildest, loveliest places” probably isn’t the best book to keep me entertained for hours on end.
  2. Changed my phone’s wallpaper photo from “Rogue Pigeon that attacked me in Atlanta” to “Yankee Stadium circa July 2009”
  3. Learned that tin foil-wrapped bagels WILL cause metal detectors to go off.
  4. Washed my hands 9,000 times (Don’t mess around with H1N1, people).
  5. Spilled coffee on the floor and had nothing to wipe it up with.
  6. Read an interesting article on circumcision in New York Magazine.
  7. Debated circumcision with Claire and Tyler via blackberry-enabled G-Chat (both are “pro”; I am “undecided”)
  8. Fell asleep three times, but only once did I drop my book. Success!
  9. Figured out (via Claire) how you keep a Gingerbread house from falling down (the frosting serves as a glue).
  10. Made plans to build a Gingerbread house on Friday.
  11. Found a sample John Mayer music video in my cell phone media file.
  12. Got nasty looks for accidentally blasting a John Mayer music video in “Quiet Juror Lounge A”
  13. Learned how to delete videos from my phone.
  14. Told the deli worker that she needed better penmanship, because it looked like Lunch Special #2 (Honey Turkey and Avocado on a roll with Lettuce, Tomato, and Honey Mustard dressing) came with “a can of coke & chips” instead of a can of coke OR chips. She apologized.
  15. Corrected Tyler on Ikea’s origins (Swedish, not Swiss).
  16. Spent about a billion dollars at Starbucks.
  17. Realized the three different sizes of tootsie rolls (small roll, long roll, and 3D rectangle “roll”) taste radically different.
  18. Bailed on plans with both Emily and Mazall because of complete and utter exhaustion. Justice is hard.
  19. Had a stalker moment in the “TV Lounge” when I accidentally made eye contact with a guy at the exact moment I was licking cream cheese off a bagel. After this, the creeper wouldn’t stop watching me eat.
  20. Consulted Tyler on appropriate vs. inappropriate reaction to aforementioned creeper (I wanted to take his picture in case I needed to ID him. Tyler said to make out with him).
  21. Moved out of “TV Lounge” to “Main Juror Lounge Room 362”
  22. Lost my camera.
  23. Found my camera, at security, where I had left it because it wasn’t allowed in the courthouse.
  24. Noticed the coffee I spilled on Monday had in fact been cleaned up by Tuesday.
  25. Had Tyler find me an application for my blackberry that would take a picture without making the “I’m taking a Picture” sound.
  26. Installed said application (the trial version).
  27. Took a photo of this guy:


*Things I learned about Siberia:

In Kolyma (Siberia), the temperature drops to -97 degrees Fahrenheit.
If Siberia were detached from Russia, it would still be the largest country on the Earth.
The Gulag might still be buried there, under snow.


14 Responses to “Jury Duty is the Real Crime”

  1. Marc October 30, 2009 at 2:34 am #

    All I did during my Jury Duty was watch Mad Men and get denied my own 12 Angry Jurors moment, when my case settled.

    Based on that and this list, I wish I could make a career out of Jury Duty

  2. Molly October 30, 2009 at 2:41 am #

    You can! You get paid $40 a day!

    • Marc October 30, 2009 at 5:45 am #

      All that does is cover my bar tabs.

  3. Claire October 30, 2009 at 3:34 am #

    Gulag! when we go to Russia, can we go on a gulag tour??

    What do you mean “NO” ?

    • Molly October 30, 2009 at 3:36 am #


    • Marc October 30, 2009 at 5:45 am #

      In Soviet Russia, Gulag tours YOU.

  4. Caroline October 30, 2009 at 4:35 am #

    If you really want to learn about circumcision, all you need to do is watch Penn and Teller’s Bullshit: Circumcision.

    Well, there is actually a lot more to learn, but it’s a very good overview.

    Yes, it does suck that you have to report to jury duty, yet hardly ever get chosen!

  5. Drewpreme October 30, 2009 at 3:34 pm #

    #3 is some real white girl stuff… Come on Mollz I thought I raised you better than that!

    • Molly October 30, 2009 at 3:36 pm #

      I hid my gun?

  6. mazall October 30, 2009 at 3:57 pm #

    you left out texting me to ask if you’re allowed to leave and come back, WHICH YOU ARE NOT. two weeks on grand jury, baby, does a number on a girl.

  7. Drewpreme October 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm #

    If you think jury duty sucks, try being on the other side of the judge’s bench.


    PS I need a wig. Like a silky Pat Sajak jumpoff.

    • Molly October 30, 2009 at 7:01 pm #

      uh oh. what are you going as?

      • Drewpreme October 30, 2009 at 7:15 pm #

        “I’m on a boat bitch!”

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