Wildlife Lessons Learned in Harlem Whilst Watching TV

16 Aug
Remember, they are just as scared of you.

Remember, they are just as scared of you.

Tonight, Mazall and I happened upon The Edge, aka the ultimate bromance movie, written by David Mamet, starring Anthony Hopkins and the always-entertaining Alec Baldwin.  In case you haven’t seen it (though I’m pretty sure we were the last two people on Earth not to), the two men find themselves stranded in Canada and/or Alaska after birds attack their plane.  Not only was the movie awesome, but it also taught us valuable lessons/skillz for surviving the wilderness in case we ever crash there in our private plane.  They are as follows:

Common Sense Skillz:

  • Bring a gun for bears, no matter where you are.  Because your plane could crash.  There are many other techniques for surviving a bear attack, but this is the easiest and doesn’t require you and your friends to make a bazillion spears out of tree branches.
  • Bring Anthony Hopkins with you.  He knows everything, even how to make fire from ice.
  • Never include a receipt in a gift for your husband, especially if said receipt also lists a watch you bought for your lover.
  • Always listen for ‘copters or ask your friend to while you die.
  • Have good balance.  Especially handy if you need to cross a log over a raging river while being chased by a bear.
  • If you are 60 and your wife is a 30-year-old model, she’s probably cheating on you.

Not-So-Common Sense Skillz:

  • Be a smoker.  This way you always have fire with you.  Or at least tobacco to eat if you get hungry.
  • Learn the constellations so you know which way is North (also useful when trying to impress women in an open field/on the roof of your Mom’s car).
  • Learn how to see/build bear traps.  And, if Anthony Hopkins ever points a trap out to you, it probably means you will fall into one later.
  • Skin a squirrel or some other small animal at least once in your life, so you can do it in an emergency.  No one wants to eat fur.
  • Carry a gold chain on you always.  People will know you are rich and it can double as bait for fishin’ (aka trickin’ and killin’).
  • Have someone teach you how to track animals, especially bears or maybe even mountain lions.
  • Wear something silk every day.  Even if you are a man.  Silk comes in handy in the wild.  You can use it to make a compass or to barter with the natives.

19 Responses to “Wildlife Lessons Learned in Harlem Whilst Watching TV”

  1. mazall August 17, 2009 at 1:57 pm #

    also, in case anyone is interested, i had extensive wilderness training from the ages 6-15 in Montana at the Junior Ranger Day Camp in how to protect oneself in the event of a wild animal attack. hit me up.
    ranger mazz.

  2. Erin August 17, 2009 at 2:51 pm #

    I have never seen this movie, but I am intrigued. On another note, I always for get which kinds of bears you are supposed to play dead for, and which ones you waves your arms around when attacked. No doubt I would mess this up in a crucial moment, and end up without a face.

    • Sookie August 17, 2009 at 3:27 pm #

      Erin I believe for smaller bears like Black Bears you are to scream and shout so as to not startle them and to make yourself appear to be larger than you are, and with Grizzly Bears the move is to play dead (or at least try to not deuce yourself). On the plus side knowing you as well as I know I only have to worry about you running into a bear at the zoo where youll be nice and safe. I do however encourage practices these techniques while on the premises and the bears can be safely monitored before attempting in the wild.

      Stepmom you get weirder/more interesting the more I learn about you

      • Erin August 17, 2009 at 3:33 pm #

        I need a rhyme to remember this…

        “when you meet mr. grizzly, play dead, or you will get done guzzled. when you meet mr. brown, be loud and make yourself double!”

        Got it.

      • mazall August 17, 2009 at 4:37 pm #

        you have provided some useful information for erin to prepare in the event of a bear attack, BUT i must clarify one point: ‘playing dead’ needs to be done with much skill. first you should slowly back up, keeping eye contact with the bear. if the bear starts to come towards you, you must immediately curl up into the fetal position, knees on the ground, back exposed, hands interlocking over your neck. this is to protect your vital organs should the bear swat at you.
        this is very important and could save your life.

        ranger mazz

  3. mazall August 17, 2009 at 2:58 pm #

    hello erin, thank you for your question. in my experience, i was never told to wave my arms at a bear, regardless of the species. to avoid meeting with a bear in the first place one should carry ‘bear bells’ and/or make a lot of noise while hiking. a bear doesn’t want to run into you as much as you don’t want to run into a bear. i believe it’s a mountain lion that you need to wave your arms at and make yourself appear larger than you actually are, but don’t quote me on that one. i’m not taking any responsibility for any attacks in the city.
    ranger mazz

  4. Lucazz August 17, 2009 at 3:08 pm #

    y’all hozz have too much time on y’alls handzzz.

    • Molly August 17, 2009 at 3:19 pm #

      Luc, you can NEVER be too prepared.

      • mazall August 17, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

        i second that moll. shut it, luc.

  5. Molly August 17, 2009 at 3:58 pm #

    @Erin. That is the best/worst rhyme I have ever heard.

  6. Kate August 17, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

    You’re all wrong. Take it from someone who knows.
    When hiking, always hike with a buddy and carry a knife.
    If you encounter a bear stab your buddy and run off.

    Also, my technique has always been to carry a large gun, I wave this at the bear and it usually works.

    • Molly August 17, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

      Who wants to go camping with Kate?!??!?!

    • Sookie August 17, 2009 at 8:15 pm #

      Ironically picturing camping with Kate is a lot like the plot of The Edge

  7. Sookie August 17, 2009 at 8:14 pm #

    Erin how about

    If you see a Grizzly Bear cover up and just lay there
    If you see one thats Black instigate the attack

    • Molly August 17, 2009 at 8:15 pm #

      that seems racist

    • Sookie August 17, 2009 at 8:16 pm #

      if you see one thats African American yell and scream first my friend


      • Molly August 17, 2009 at 8:17 pm #

        amazing. Drew would be proud.

      • Drewpreme August 22, 2009 at 7:49 pm #

        This is SWPL (deuce). Black folks have enough problems in the urban areas with out having to go look for (fecal material) in some other environment. Don’t believe in the one bruh that dies first in these movies (in this case played by Harold Perrineau I believe), they’re just affirmative action hires. Haven’t we all learned from Timothy “Grizzly Man” Treadwell to just leave the bears alone? Of course teddy bear types like The ‘Preme must be cuddled at all times.

        Love you M&M. But don’t worry about bears, when you’re openly perturbed by urban debris on across 110th street. 😉

    • mazall August 17, 2009 at 8:17 pm #

      erin, that seems to be very risky advice. i would advise against it.
      (fun fact: my mother’s maiden name is “Grisley”…. i’m half Grisley!)

      ranger mazz

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