Wherein Claire and Molly Predict 2010’s Song of the Summer

13 Jun

Every summer has a song.  It’s the one you pretend to hate but then immediately start dancing to if you hear it at the Gap.  The one that is stuck in your head for days and you don’t really mind…until about mid-July.  You know, the one Drew won’t let you play on repeat at the park (well, not until he’s had at least 80 ounces of Olde English).  So, Claire and I sat down last night and went through the contenders.  If you’re hoping I’ll just tell you what it’s going to be without taking you through the whole listening/music-video-watching/sangria-drinking process, you sooo don’t know this blog.  Let’s get started.

CONTENDER #1: “Not Myself Tonight” by Christina Aguilera

Claire:  I’ve always liked her, though she definitely got a lot of heat for this video because she totally ripped off Madonna and Lady Gaga.

Molly:  But she’s still hot.  And is definitely a better singer than the other two.

Claire:  And she’s a Mom!  Wait…this video now turned into a perfume advertisement.

Molly:  And there’s an oil spill!  It’s politically relevant!

CONTENDER #2:  Enrique Iglesias “I Like It ft. Pitbull”

Molly:  Okay now we’re gonna watch Enrique featuring Pitbull

Claire:  I hope it’s featuring a Pitbull!!  Oh look, it’s Snooki and those other people!

Molly:  Wait this sounds bad.  What’s that buzzing?  This sounds like the World Cup.

Claire:  Why is Jersey Shore here?

Molly:  Are the Jersey Shore people Latino?

Claire:  No, they’re Italian.

Molly:  So…why do they like Enrique?

Claire:  Skintone, probably.

Molly:  Who are hot Italian singers?

Claire:  Frank Sinatra?

Molly:  Next.

CONTENDER #3:  “Breakeven” by The Script

Molly:  I love how they think they can just create compound words.

*Video begins with two young lovers driving along the East Coast.  The girl wonders “What would I do without you?”

Claire:  Oh God.  White people and their problems.

Molly:  She left him.

Claire:  I’m gonna be sad!  By my Mercedes!  You will know I’m sad because I’ll be pulling my shirt with my hand to prove it.

Molly:  This sounds like Maroon 5.

Claire:  Yeah, very late 90s.

Molly:  I’m distraught!  Time for fingerless gloves and a vacant waterfront!  And silhouettes.

Claire: This can’t be the summer song because it’s too sad.  Next!

CONTENDER #4: “Bulletproof” by La Roux

Molly:  Is that Molly Ringwald?

Claire:  OMG I love this.  This is my favorite so far.

Molly:  Or is that a man?

Claire:  I think this song is about her being emotionally unavailable…

Molly:  Are we sure it’s a “her”?

Claire: …But I think the guy would like her better if she didn’t wear two shades of eyeshadow.

Molly:  On her nose.

CONTENDER #5:  “Nothin’ on You” by B.o.B.

Molly:  Who is Bob?

Claire:  His eye is lazy.

Molly:  Oh!  The beautiful girls song!  I like this one.

Claire:  This video looks like a Herpes commercial.

Molly:  All the beautiful girls are mysteriously ethnic like ME.

Claire:  Yeah, where are all the blondes?

Claire:  “You the whole package plus you pay your taxes”??  Best line ever.

CONTENDER #6: “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga

Claire:  She’s too skinny now.

Molly:  I know.  I miss her curves.

Claire:  This accent is ridiculous.

Molly:  Boot I just cahn’t BEE vith yuu like ZIS ah-nee moore!  It’s french-german-spanish!  Also, who’s Roberto?

Claire:  This song reminds me of “Don’t Turn Around” by Ace of Base

Molly:  She is not hot here.  Aside from when she’s in her undies.  Why does she have a bowl cut?

Claire:  I hate her hair.

Molly:  Also that one outfit looks like it was made with Magic Markers.

Claire:  We have to learn the dance for this.

CONTENDER #7: “Drunk Girls” by LCD Soundsystem

Claire:  I love this song.

Molly:  Really?  It just sounds like that Beastie Boys song, no?

Claire:  I love the Beastie Boys. Yes!

Molly:  I mean, I appreciate the color bars made out of construction paper.  Wait, are those bears?

Claire:  Yes!

Molly:  What are they doing?!?!

Claire:  They’re bothering him!

Molly:  They’re bothering me!

Claire:  They’re in a Gulag!  Oh…

Molly:  What does fire extinguisher taste like?

Claire:  No clue.  This video is amazing.

Molly:  He looks like Mazall in that dress.

Claire:  This is probably what <REDACTED> felt like when s/he puked in the subway the other night.

Molly:  Minus the Pandas.  Wait, isn’t that a band?

Claire:  That’s Minus the Bear.

Molly:  That’s a rug.

CONTENDER #8:  “My First Kiss ft. Ke$ha” by 3OH!3

Molly:  He looks German.  Also, I have those socks.

Claire:  Is this the right video?

Molly: Why is Ke$ha Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Carribean?

Claire:  I dunno but she looks better.

Molly:  DJ HERO!  I have that!

Claire:  I feel like this video is what would happen if we made a music video.  And I really have no complaints.

Molly:  “Grab DJ Hero!”  “Dress up as Johnny Depp!”

CONTENDER #9: “143 ft. Ray J” by Bobby Brackins

Molly: 143 means I love you.

Claire:  What?!

*Molly stops music video*

Molly:  Wait, did you not have a pager?

Claire:  No.  I went to public school.

CONTENDER #10:  “California Gurls” by Katy Perry

Claire:  Cupcake boobs!  I have those!

Molly:  This is like our apartment.

Claire:  I have to pee.  But find the full video.

CONTENDER #11: “OMG” by Usher

Molly: OMG means Oh my God.

Claire:  Thanks.

Claire:  This song is legitimately bad.  But Usher is hot.

Molly:  Is that a top hat?

Claire:  The boob line I love is coming….

Molly:  I find it hard to believe that a guy picked out these high-wasted undies.

Claire:  Maybe Mazall did.

Molly:  All I really need is Usher dancing.  You think this will be the song?

Claire:  Maybe it’s just because we live in Harlem, but I feel like I hear it all the time.  I think it peaked too early.

CONTENDER #12:  “Not Afraid” by Eminem

Molly:  WOW.  Eminem is actually very attractive now.

Claire:  He’s always been cute.

Molly:  Yeah, but usually I was distracted by the blonde hair and over-sized white t-shirt.

Claire:  I like Eminem.

Molly: I like m & m’s.

Molly: Usher or Eminem?

Claire:  Usher.

Molly:  I might go with Eminem

Claire:  That makes me more gangsta than you.

Molly:  Not really.

Claire:  Eminem or Kanye?

Molly:  Eminem because Kanye is too short.

Claire:  Really?  No!


Molly:  Oh, they are both 5’8.  Hmm.  Okay I still pick Eminem.

Claire:  I still pick Kanye.

Molly:  Oh wait! Enrique is tall!


Claire:  Yes!  He’s like 6 feet.  I pick him.  But not that song.

Molly:  So what do you pick for Summer Song?

Claire:  I’m going with Katy Perry.

Molly:  And I’m going with Alejandro.

Claire:  Wonderful.  It’s 4 am. Now let’s go to bed.


10 Responses to “Wherein Claire and Molly Predict 2010’s Song of the Summer”

  1. Claire June 13, 2010 at 5:22 pm #

    Don’t get me wrong, I love Alejandro song but I don’t think it’s a summer anthem. The Katy Perry one is more likely to be played by 16-year-old girls as they drive around town in the family minivan.

    Also, where can I get the machine gun bra?

    • Molly June 13, 2010 at 5:23 pm #

      Have you noticed the trend of boobs as weapons/desserts? I need a new bra.

  2. Marc June 13, 2010 at 7:04 pm #

    Snooki on Jersey Shore is actually Chilean, so at least one of them is Latino.

    And I would be ashamed for knowing that, but you guys just spent who knows how much time listening to some of the worst music in the world. So I feel pretty good about myself.

  3. Ryan June 14, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    I can tell you that the gay boys at the beach are playing pretty much only Katy Perry and Lady Gaga with some Kesha mixed in.

    And if gay boys don’t know pop culture, I just don’t know anythign anymore.

    • Ryan June 14, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

      …or even how to spell…

      • molly June 14, 2010 at 4:00 pm #

        I was more upset that you left the dollar sign out of Ke$ha

  4. noelle June 14, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

    well it’s definitely not the Tilda Swinton song, where’s the dancing? what’s up with the horse lips? LAME

  5. Cara June 15, 2010 at 11:55 am #

    I just can’t get past the lyrics in the Katy Perry song. I mean, “So hot…will melt your popsicle?” Is that supposed to be a good thing? The literal version of that and the odd sexual connotation seem undesirable. Also, I saw her at Conan’s live show (in attendance, not onstage), and she looked really boring.

    All that combined means it’ll probably be a huge hit.

    “Nothin on You” is played constantly on the radio in LA. Although so are both the Katy Perry and Lady GaGa songs…

    If I had a choice, the summer hit would be LaRoux. Wait, no, if I had a choice, the summer hit would be none of these songs, but probably some “cool” indie rock/pop song of the moment (LCD Soundsystem “Dance Yrself Clean” maybe instead of “Drunk Girls”). But somehow the teenage girls who dictate summer song hits and I don’t always agree…

  6. Daniel June 15, 2010 at 3:45 pm #

    Whoa, Eminem lost a lot of weight. He does look better. He’s also like 40 years old now, which is kind of weird to think about.


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