cafe press wins again
I don’t care if Obama got elected or not — we do not live in a post-racial society. People are mean, especially Russians. But you know what is worse than racism? Ignorance. I’m not talking about the kind of ignorance that fuels most racism. I’m talking about people not even being able to name one famous person from my motherland (aside from Drew, who was deflowered by a Grecian and holds a special place for them in his heart). This, and so much more, is why I, as a half-Greek American, have it worse than everyone else and will be demanding reparations to my people from the Obama Administration along with a national holiday devoted to filo dough.
You might be asking, how did all this start? Well, let’s take a trip back to 600 ish B.C. (or “B.C.E.”, if you are a heathen), to a little place called Ancient Greece aka THE CRADLE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION. Look around. See all those buildings and slaves and elected officials? You’re welcome. Without us, you guys would still be eating sticks and living in caves.
Okay fast forward to yesterday. My birthday party is upon us. Claire’s theme: Ethnic Stereotypes. The catch: you have to dress as your OWN ethnicity’s stereotype. I decide to wear a toga. Drew decides this is lame.
Drew: I think the toga is lame.
Me: What is a more Grecian stereotype then?
Drew: Like Modern Greek. Like My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Me: SO WHAT DO I WEAR?
Drew: I dunno. A sweatsuit?
Me: No one will get that! ugh.
Drew: Big Gold Chain!
Obviously, Drew is no help. I turn to trusted Judger of People Claire:
Me: Drew wants me to go as my big fat greek wedding instead but i don’t know how that would work!
Claire: that wouldn’t work. you don’t look like her and she just wore normal clothes throughout the movie.
Me: he said to wear a sweatsuit and a gold chain? did he even SEE the movie?
Claire: …….does he mean the grandma in the movie? the one with the tumor on her neck that’s not a tumor but her twin?
Me: Or he says to go as a French girl with pit hair
Claire: PLEASE DO THAT. omg we can paste it on. friendship bonding moment!
Me: ugh WORST B-DAY EVER
Obviously, this is not working. No one cares about my heritage. All they want to do is make me look ridiculous. I decide to conduct a scientific poll to see who the some of the most obvious Greek people are, and use that as the foundation for my costume.
Me: ok QUICK name a famous Greek
Claire: Caesar
Me: roman. but thanks
Claire: F***. Odysseus
Me: WORST FRIEND EVER! HE WAS FAKE!
Claire: Aristotle!
Me: bah! i hate you allDrewpreme: isn’t Boutros Boutros Ghali Greek?
Me: EGYPTIANAlyssa: There are no famous Greeks. Ooooh, what about Bacchus? wasn’t he Greek? and DRUNK?
Me: If by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine, you mean DIONYSUS, THE GREEK GOD OF WINE. Also, thanks for your mythological contribution. Lush.
Annnnnd these are my friends. Also, all the more reason for me to wear a toga. Apparently, no one has any stereotypes of Greek people pre-thedawnofcivilization. If I were to really come as a Greek stereotype, I should just not come to my party (which, trust me, I’m thinking about). “Oh look, there’s Bob Marley. Must be Molly! That crazy Greek…..”
Anyway, this is only the beginning. I vow to carry the entire burden/reputation of semi-Greco culture on my tanned, olive-toned shoulders. And you kids will be hearing about it. Here’s a sneak peek:
Me: now that I have a cause, how do I enter the “brotherhood”
Drew: what brotherhood?
me: you know…
Drew: ?
me: *feels like Michael Scott talking to Darryl*
The BROTHERHOOD. of people the MAN has tried to keep DOWN
Drew: Sigh. The Greeks nor the French are on the oppressed side of that.
Me: but what about a mix of both??
Drew: Nope
Me: I don’t even have one identity! There isn’t even a country for people like me!
I’m divided. against myself. like a black and white cookie. just looking for a home.
Drew: in fact, the Greeks were the original zealots burning the ancient libraries and wisdom of Egypt on some real old school hateration
Me: yeah and we were all amoebas laying eggs in the sea too. big whoop.
I’m talking about NOW! NO ONE CAN EVEN NAME A GREEK. this is worse than racism. this is a disappearing race
I’m like the dinosaurs
or Chia pets
Drew: Sorry Charlie. Can’t us black folks have something in America? We’re still making the best out of a bad situation here.
Me: ugh. if an oppressed black man can’t even relate to my identity crisis, who can?
Me: Where’s MJ when I need him most…
we have internets! 
I think you should be a gully Athenian college student protester. They tore that city a new one last year. Dudes in South Central were proud of their gumption when it came to causing a ruckus…
Addendum – Its interesting how “Big Gold Chain” works for so many ethnic groups in America. Shine on people. Shine ON!!!
Even Emily. Sorry…London.
as usual I am left out when it comes to asking stuff like “who are famous greeks” even though Im a pit of worthless information. (michael chiklis, telly savalis, Mena Survari, John FLIPPIN Stamos, etc).
None of these really help bc the only real stereotype you could go as would be something from Greek Mythology (personally my fav mythology) or walk around with a bottle of Glass Plus all night spraying it on people and every item you saw. Thats really the best you have to work with. I recommend embracing your French side. Carry around a loaf of french bread, wear a beret and act even snobbier than usual
Oh my god. Tyler is brilliant – you HAVE to go as John Stamos to the party.
and for the record, I wouldn’t have to judge people if they’d stop being total twatfaces all the time.
I am more than a little disappointed to not show up in a entry about half-greeks seeing as I am ALSO HALF-GREEK.
Molly, you perpetuated the confusion and ignorance about our culture from the very get-go… when you decided to wear a toga.
Quoteth Wikipedia:
“The toga, a distinctive garment of Ancient Rome…”
I can’t believe no one has brought up Yanni, perhaps the most famous greek of all time.
I thought about going as him but my hair is not long enough. Also, no piano.
Someone is missing the point…MENE. It’s a party about STEREOTYPES! You are just jealous that instead of wearing a sheet in harlem with me you’ll be on a beach in Hawaii.
thomas is upset because he’s going as a German tourist and he doesn’t have a fannypack. do we know anyone with a fannypack?
I can’t decide what to wear to the party. I’m going as a super preppy WASP. My entire wardrobe works.
do i go prim and propper church picnic? or double popped collar d-bag?
def prim and proper. but make sure you show some ankle so not to be confused with Maz’s polygamist
Ugh, you totally cheated by not asking any of your nerdy friends to name some Greeks. We could have done it.
nerds are not responsible for false ethnic stereotypes. Claire is.