My First Lost

or: I feel like if I re-read Lord of the Flies this would all make a lot more sense

the professor was gay

I’m not very good at watching television. I change channels constantly, I will choose an old Seinfeld episode over something new, and I never remember to DVR anything. I watch TV for instant, mindless gratification and I have almost zero interest in a series that requires regular, sustained devotion. Until, that is, I can watch it on DVD.

Every once in a while, I will rent the first season of a popular show to see what all the fuss is about. Then I get really really into the show and spend an entire weekend lying on the couch in pajamas, eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish out of the bag and refusing to answer my cell phone until I’ve finished all six seasons of Gilmore Girls and have found out whether sassy-mouthed Lorelei ever found true love. DVD marathons are how I came to know and love such gems as Arrested Development, Mad Men and Twin Peaks, the latter of which remains my favorite DVD-watching experience ever. In fall 2005, (college friend) Megan and I became so consumed by the creepy genius of Twin Peaks that we actually coordinated our schedules so that we could watch the show together (usually while eating donuts).
Because of my “wait ‘til it comes out on DVD” philosophy, I’m always at least one season behind a show’s devoted fan base. Sometimes I’m years (Six Feet Under) or decades (Northern Exposure) too late. So it’s not surprising that I’m just now getting around to watching Lost.

Here is what happens when I tell someone I’ve never seen Lost:

Person: Did you see Lost last night? What was (random plot point) about? I did not see that coming.
Me: Actually, I’ve never seen Lost
Person: WHAT??!?!? WHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT????????????? WHAAAAA???? WHYYYYY??? WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: Please stop screaming.

Lost people are nuts. NUTS. They kind of creep me out and I purposely avoided the show for a long time because of them. It’s not that I wasn’t interested in it—it sounded like something I’d really like—I just didn’t want it to consume my life the way it has consumed the lives of Molly/Evan/Logan/Andy/Ryan/Gilbert/Alex/Thomas/Laura/Julia/old co-workers/current co-workers/my dog’s vet/the person next to me on the subway/my 4th grade teacher/everyone I’ve ever known ever. But after reliving the “I’ve never seen Lost” conversation one too many times, I finally borrowed the first season from a friend and I can now say that I have seen Lost. In fact, I’ve seen the first four episodes. Basically, I’m an expert.
Lost is about a plane full of sexy people that crash lands on a tropical island in such a way that the passengers either die instantly or escape completely unscathed (save for a few aesthetically placed scratches). One dude has shrapnel in his stomach, but I’m pretty sure that’s just a plot device so that he can inconveniently faint every time he’s about to reveal another character’s big secret (she’s a criminal). Oh, and there’s a character named Claire who has the most unrealistic looking pregnant belly ever.

Every character has a back story—who they are, where they come from, why they were on that airplane—and I guess I will learn about one person per episode. So far, I know about Kate the beautiful woman with the terrible past and Locke the tough guy who used to be a lowly office drone. So far, both have been very stereotypical. I can’t wait to find out about the cocky Southern dickbag. He’s probably tormented by a childhood trauma or was left by a lover or something and you’re supposed to feel sorry for him. I kind of hope he’s just a jerk.
The show’s main character seems to be this guy named Jack. Jack has a lot of emotions but he doesn’t like to talk about them. He’s supposed to be the leader/moral unifier, like M*A*S*H’s Hawkeye Pierce, but he’s too perfect and so far I find him boring. I hope his back story will be seedy and awful. I hope he cheated on his wife or was an alcoholic or walked out on his family or something. Or maybe his parents died when he was young and then he had to struggle to raise his siblings/Jennifer Love Hewitt on his own.
Observations:
1) The hobbit keeps talking to the bitchy girl and getting rebuffed. He should talk to the pregnant one – she is clearly much more…how do I put this…”friendly”
2) How have they not run out of food yet?
3) Oh, great. There was a dog on the airplane. Way to pander to my emotions.
4) I like Locke the best, but I think that just might be because of his eye scar. I also really like the bitchy girl whose name I can’t remember right now.
5) Heroes and Lost both have blondes named Claire. I am unsure how I feel about this.
6) Asian Woman Who Doesn’t Speak English doesn’t love her husband.
7) I am not even remotely interested in what sort of animal is on the island with them. This might be because I already know what it is or it might be because I dislike stories that take place in nature.

Predictions:

1) There will be an episode where Claire almost loses the baby or thinks she lost the baby.
2) Hobbit’s tattoo says “Living is Easy With Eyes Closed.” That’s a Beatles lyric. Next line is “misunderstanding all you see.” IS THIS A CLUE, EVAN?!?!?!
3) The fat guy will either lose a lot of weight because he’s stranded on an island or he won’t because this is all just a TV show.
4) There’s a Middle Eastern guy who is not a terrorist. I hope is back story is that he actually is a terrorist, because no one would expect that.
5) I also can’t wait for Claire’s back story. In it, she probably winds up pregnant.
6) Bitchy blond girl’s brother is beautiful but boring. He looks like Nate on Gossip Girl. He has no personality and hasn’t been used much yet. He will die.
7) It is revealed that Cocky Southern Dickbag runs a children’s hospital but that his favorite burn unit victim died last week and he’s masking his sorrow with cruelty.
8) The 16-year-old transmission is actually the current group and they all just traveled through time.
9) Gilligan will annoy the Skipper.
10) The dog will die.