I hope they put Kobe Bryant on a bag of Mint Milanos

21 Apr

So I go to the grocery store and I buy a bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. When I pour them into a bowl, I notice that some of the crackers are circle-shaped instead of fish-shaped. “Wait a minute,” I think to myself, “fish don’t look like circles.” So I look at the bag. Next to the image of a smiling goldfish it says, “Basketball shapes inside!”

whaaa?

whaaa?

Goldfish and basketballs?

What?

There’s some Miami Heat player’s image on the back of the bag, next to the nutritional information. What kind of sad, pathetic athlete is the Pepperidge Farm spokesman? That has to be kind of embarrassing. Other NBA players have deals with Wheaties, Pepsi and Frosted Flakes and he’s stuck on a paper bag that’s half-filled with cheddar crackers designed look like fish. And basketballs. Fish and basketballs.

Side complaint: Basketballs don’t taste nearly as good as goldfish.

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19 Responses to “I hope they put Kobe Bryant on a bag of Mint Milanos”

  1. Molly April 21, 2009 at 3:50 am #

    First of all, this blog was meant to be because I was eating the EXACT SAME goldfish not two hours ago, wondering why some were all blown up. Only I didn’t look at the packaging, so after many imaginary factory scenarios in which I tried to figure out why some fish would come out fine and some wouldn’t, I finally figured out the blowfish basketballs were intentional.

    SECONDLY, HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO D-WADE IS AKA FLASH. I don’t even like NBA basketball and I know that. Also, I’m pretty sure he is from your state. Also, I am talking to you on gchat and you just said this:

    Claire: i want him to be dwayne wayne from a different world SO BADLY
    me: ugggggghhhh
    Claire: with the flip-glasses!

    Sigh. Maybe this blog was not meant to be.

  2. Molly April 21, 2009 at 3:50 am #

    yesss. Possibly related post: “fish in a bag”

    REALLY WORDPRESS? YA THINK?

  3. Claire April 21, 2009 at 4:21 am #

    1. dwayne wayne > basketball
    2. is this man on the Chicago Bulls circa 1992-1997? Or, alternately, has Marc told me about him? No? Then I have never heard of him.
    3. why does Miami even HAVE sports teams?
    4. why does Miami even exist?
    5. Despite the fact that I love old school Sports Illustrated articles and Gay Talese’s profile of DiMaggio is one of the best things I’ve ever read, I don’t actually care about any of the players.
    6. Except Walter Payton, but he died.
    7. Also Dennis Rodman, but he might as well be dead.
    8. I like the fact that for all you knew, you could have gotten a batch of misshapen goldfish made with Chinese melamine and you would have eaten them.

    • Marc April 21, 2009 at 4:47 am #

      1. Yes
      2. No, sorry.
      3. No one knows. People there don’t even want them.
      4. Cuban colony.
      5. sigh.

      • Claire April 21, 2009 at 4:49 am #

        5. i like the athleticism and the games, i just don’t care who anyone is or what their “stats” are. and yet i watch the olympics religiously. HA!

  4. Molly April 21, 2009 at 4:44 am #

    waste not, want not

  5. Marc April 21, 2009 at 4:51 am #

    Goldfish are DELICIOUS. Better than Frosted Flakes, Pepsi, Wheaties, Buicks and whatever else athletes decide to endorse. Get your snack cracker priorities straight Claire!

    • Molly April 21, 2009 at 5:54 am #

      Though cheese nips trump all

  6. Cara April 21, 2009 at 3:27 pm #

    Oh man, D-Wade = Dwayne Wade. This makes so much more sense – and I have thought that (Wade=Wayne) for years! I think he used to play for a team that was in the playoffs one time. Probably when I lived in Austin, cause I’m pretty sure that was the only year I watched the playoffs. Or maybe the finals. So maybe he was on the Spurs or the Suns? Or maybe it was just the playoffs that year. But yeah – pretty sure I giggled every time anyone said his name. Maybe that’s why they started calling him D-Wade. He’s just trying to separate himself from the more famous Dwayne…

    • Molly April 21, 2009 at 3:32 pm #

      See?! People learn things here!

    • Claire April 21, 2009 at 5:30 pm #

      If I were a sports announcer I’d call him Dwayne Wayne and whenever he made a basket I’d yell “WHERE IS WHITLEY?!?!”

    • Marc April 21, 2009 at 10:39 pm #

      He was on the Miami Heat. They won the title.

      sigh.

      • Molly April 22, 2009 at 1:37 am #

        He IS on the Miami Heat. double sigh.

  7. mazall April 21, 2009 at 6:34 pm #

    i have no idea what you guys are talking about.
    *skips off into the sunset*

  8. Sookie April 22, 2009 at 4:12 pm #

    This whole section made me want to stab myself in the throat w my laptop

    • Drewpreme April 22, 2009 at 6:53 pm #

      You too huh?

      • Molly April 22, 2009 at 9:24 pm #

        me three!!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Tuesday Sports Roundup: D-Wade’s socks, Obama’s Sox and, uh, teeth. « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - April 21, 2009

    […] by Molly Let’s start with the NBA: Claire and I recently made separate but equally bad purchases which, long story short, led me to Dwyane Wade’s fitness ideas on the Pepperidge Farm […]

  2. My First Lost « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - June 22, 2009

    […] I get really really into the show and spend an entire weekend lying on the couch in pajamas, eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish out of the bag and refusing to answer my cell phone until I’ve finished all six seasons of […]

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