When Three Become Two

Why would you write "Moving Day" on a box?

Molly is moving out. She’s obtained access to a completely furnished luxury apartment on the Upper East Side and has decided to go live there for free. Personally, I don’t know why you’d want to live in a Park Avenue building with a doorman rent free when you can pay thousands of dollars a year to live in Harlem with two roommates and a dog, especially when said apartment sometimes doesn’t have any gas for months. To each her own, I guess.

This means that Mazall and I need to find a replacement roommate. But living with someone is a big decision. Are they friendly? Do they keep the apartment clean? Will they murder you in your sleep? Maz and I have been reaching out to friends and coworkers to see if they know anyone who needs a place to stay, but we may have to (gulp) seek a stranger on Craigslist. To facilitate the process, I have come up with a list of qualities that our new roommate should possess:

Clean

Friendly

Organized

Likes dogs

Is funny

Is pretty

But not so pretty that we feel ugly

Likes Anchorman

Owns Mad Men on DVD

Can teach me how to do the Single Ladies dance

Either has really nice furniture that’s better than ours so we can upgrade OR

Has no furniture so we don’t have to make room for anything tacky

Is currently or has been a professional chef

Also a make-up artist

And masseuse

Owns a yacht

Owns one of those miniature horses that are the size of dogs

(The miniature horse cannot be named Molly)

Belongs to a Wine of the Month club

Has a large wardrobe of stylish clothes that fit me (preferably designer)

Has free airline tickets to Paris and no one to use them

Is friends with Kanye

Optional:

Is of an interesting religion or ethnicity so that we can sound cool when we say things like “Oh, my roommate the Zoroastrian?”

Is Banksy