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This Week in Janice: Music Tastes

9 Sep

these people probably touched

Mom: Are you listening to Otis Redding?
Me: Yep!
Mom: He’s boring. You know he was considered frat boy music when I was in school. Boys would put his music on at parties because it gave them an excuse to squeeze a girl tightly when they danced.

Mom: I was more into Jimi Hendrix when I was young. I was a hippie, when we danced we raised our hands to the sky and just sort of wiggled around. There was no touching involved.
Me: What about free love? That involved touching.
Mom: That was just in California. In the South, all the hippies were still virgins.


This Week in Janice: Learning to Text

18 Aug

This is my mom’s first attempt at texting:

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This Week in Janice: Drinking Tips and the Stock Market

13 Aug

the market doesn't feel well

Subj: stock market has “Tha Vapors”

Oh, I had a day like this in college—having the Vapors, I dropped like a stone and was unconscious, just like the Market today. In my case, it was internal bleeding, and the case could be made that that is what is wrong with us today—internal bleeding for the US Economy.

‘Cept the Market, unlike moi, is populated by a bunch of “Multinationals,” so I am gonna agree with Rick Santelli, who I just heard on the radio. You know, the youngish Chicago trader who threw a hissy fit that got recorded and started the Tea Party Movement. (He’s Famous enough to get himself in Wikipeia. Atta boy, Chicago boy!!!)  Well, on the radio today he said “It is 2008 in Europe today.” Which I thought was really cute. Remember 2008 here, when we all thought the economic world as we knew it was going to end? Europe’s politicos just tried to bail out Greece with a paltry amount of cash, and the Market is afraid that it’s not gonna work. Especially  with Spain and Italy which are definitely “too big to fail.”  There just ain’t enuf Euros to bail those 2 out if they turn turtle too. So you can sleep well tonight. Like in 1914 and 1939, it’s not Our Fault, it’s just those darn Europeans…

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This Week in Janice: Cheating the System

1 Feb

This is an actual email exchange between mother and daughter that occurred moments ago. It began when Janice sent me an email urging me to sign up for some sort of free wedding contest.

From: Janice

Subj: Enter to Win Crate & Barrel’s $100,000 Wedding Contest

Getting married or know someone who’s engaged?

$100,000 Ultimate Wedding contest
Crate and Barrel is throwing one lucky couple the wedding of their dreams, designed by celebrity wedding planner Yifat Oren.

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This Week in Janice: Austrian Adventures

25 Dec


Merry Christmas! While you’ve been roasting your chestnuts by the fire, Claire and Janice have been trouncing around Vienna, having conversations such as:

Complaining that a restaurant won’t let her smoke indoors…
Janice: Nicotine is an addiction. But it’s a legal addiction. And yet they make up all these rules about when and how I can be addicted, and when I can practice my addiction. No other legal activity is like that.
Claire: Well, actually—
Janice: It’s not like I’m asking to take my clothes off and roll around having sex naked in public or anything.

Coming back in from a cigarette break outside….
Janice: I was looking at the buildings here and I don’t see any window units. I don’t know if they have good air conditioning here. Maybe that’s why you don’t hear about people flocking to Austria in the summer.
Claire: I think they do flock here in the summer. I think it’s just a smaller city so it’s relative. I think it’s a big destination for Europeans. Maybe Americans, if they’re going to go through the trouble of coming over here, are going to go to Paris instead.
Janice: Well, I’ve already been to Paris.
Claire: But not everybody has.
Janice: Britney Spears has.
Claire: ….Yes, probably.
Janice: I didn’t realize how close in age she was to you. It’s time for you to become friends. I’ll write her, maybe the three of us can go to Vienna together.
Claire: Uh. Okay.

While watching a Swiss television program in which everyone is disarmingly beautiful…
Janice: Why don’t I ship you over to Switzerland and you can marry a nice Swiss boy.
Claire: Only if he has a bank account.
Janice: Oh, well that’s a given.

While watching a Russian television program in which everyone is, well, not…

Janice: Why are the Russian girls so beautiful while the Russian men look like pigs? Look at the ears on those guys.

While in an art museum…
Janice: Are you reading the descriptions next to the art? You can learn a lot from those. I always read them.
Claire: I am! I try to read every single one, but often times I lose patience or my feet get tired.
Janice: I remember this one museum I was in….I think it was in Amsterdam? Or maybe Rome? Maybe Paris. Florence? I’m not sure. Anyway, there was all this artwork by….some guy. And the descriptions were explaining how you can tell if the artwork by that guy, or by a different guy. And I read so many of them that I finally started to understand what they were talking about, and now I’m an expert.
Claire: In art by someone whose name you don’t know.
Janice: Not a clue.
Claire: And you don’t remember what the trick to detecting his work was.
Janice: Nope!
Claire: Or the museum in which his paintings can be seen.
Janice: Nope!
Claire: So you’re not really an expert then.
Janice: Am too. I’m just a forgetful one.

Inserted randomly into a dinner conversation….
Janice: I wish I could be a hooker who didn’t have sex. Men could just pay me money and I could make them feel good about themselves by telling them how smart they are. But it probably doesn’t work that way, huh? I probably have to have sex.
Claire: MOM!!!!

During a different dinner conversation…
Janice: Stick with me, kid and I’ll take you to Vienna. This is your homeland!
Claire: But we’re Polish.

After touring the Sisi Museum, dedicated to Austria’s Empress Elisabeth, who was an anorexic, a compulsive exerciser, and who refused to be photographed after she hit 30 because she believed her youth had faded. She spent two hours doing her hair every day and may or may not have had an affair with a Hungarian count. She slept with a raw meat mask on her face and lived off of raw meat juice and ice cream. She was ultimately murdered by an anarchist.
Janice: ….I don’t know. She didn’t seem that crazy to me.

This Week in Janice: The International Edition

21 Dec

Guten tag, dear blog readers—oh wait. We have no blog readers anymore. Molly and I haven’t blogged on this Internet weblogging contraption for months. That’s because she works all the time (those morning television segments aren’t going to write themselves, you know) and I’m lazy. But all of that will change now that I’m on vacation with Janice. We’re in Vienna. It’s cold and beautiful and full of signs I can’t read and words I can’t pronounce.

Wien ist im Winter kalt

Janice and I have only been here for one day. We spent much of that day sleeping off our jetlag, so we haven’t done much yet. We looked at a butterfly garden (indoors), went to a Christmas market (outdoors), and drank punsch (also outdoors). Some strange young man on the street took my picture. Also, everyone assumes I speak German. Janice says it’s cause I look worldly, but I think it’s because I’m pale.

Traveling with Janice

In the New York City taxi, on the way to the airport
Janice: I’m going to have a patdown when I get to the airport. I had a patdown in Chicago and it was fine. She didn’t even touch anything interesting.

Cab driver: (laughing) you say the most interesting things…

Janice: It’s true! When I go to the doctor to get a checkup I get a much better pat down. This was almost disappointing.


At the airport, after it takes us two hours to get through the security line, only to have them threaten to take my mom’s carry-on suitcase away because it’s too big and doesn’t fit on the airplane
Janice: That’s okay, I have a plan. I’ll just tell them I’m a little old lady and I need my bag because it contains all my medication.
Claire: I don’t think they care about that. If it doesn’t fit on the plane, it doesn’t fit.
Janice: Ah. Then I move into Phase 2 and tell them I’m a crazy old lady who loves nothing more than hiring lawyers.

In Vienna, while traveling from the airport to the hotel

Claire: How do you say ‘Thank You’ in German?
Janice: Uh…..Gracias?

While discussing our opinion on Austrian food

Claire: Those chocolates are pretty but I don’t like mazipan so I probably wouldn’t eat them.
Janice: Really? I assumed you’d like marzipan. You like beets.
Claire: That doesn’t make any sense.
Janice: Grandma liked beets and she also liked marzipan, so I assumed you just liked the same foods she liked.
Claire: ….that still doesn’t—eh, nevermind.

At dinner at a fancy sushi restaurant. Why eat sushi in Austria, you ask? Because the restaurant is on the top floor of a building that looks out onto this

God lives in a fancy house

Basically, we went for the view. Also, the food was delicious and all of the other people there were locals.
Claire: (ordering) I’ll have the 6 piece sashimi…
Janice: You know raw fish can have worms in them, don’t you?


Anndd…that’s it. Jetlag is back so I’m going to end this and sleep for hours.



This Week in Janice: John Cleese and Twitter

13 Sep

John Cleese. Formerly Cool.

Claire’s Note: Just one email. Sent today. It was so good I had to post it immediately.

Subj:  tweet tweet twitter

for my b day, I wanna Twitter account with a little picture/icon of sth. cute and a fake name. Can U set 1 up for me? Or not? I need pre-approval please.

Hey, wouldn’t it be great if Bill Murray AND John Cleese were in a movie together- something about Weird granddads? They are both sparsely white haired these days. And Cleese is only pulling 3, 000 hits on “you  tube” for some of his stuff.I watched his “house tour” this weekend—sad. THE MAN HAS CATS !!!  I was going to ask you kids to go online each day and look at his stuff just to get his viewership #s up—the poor man is poor-3 ex-wives, 1 super thin teen daughter, no prenups !!! Help the less fortunate!!! You know you love them both. Take care, Love, Mom (Finally found a “charity” I CAN SUPPORT: Restore Dignity to the Formerly Cool)