This Week in Janice: BREAKING UPDATE

29 May

Office Dater

Office Dater

So Janice’s advice was a huge hit. Other friends came forward to seek her wise, oracle-like guidance. Ryan wanted to know how to marry me but still be gay. Marc wanted to know how to marry Ryan but not be gay. Mazall wanted to know how to put up with her co-dependent roommate. And Nick? Well Nick didn’t actually ask a question—he was too busy puking into a flower pot. I didn’t want to overwhelm Janice with too many questions—she’s MY mom, after all—but the following one was too good to ignore.

Dear Janice,

Now, before I explain, you have to promise you won’t judge me.

So I’m sort of seeing a person at work and luckily, we don’t work together and I sit pretty much as far away from him as possible on the floor at the moment. Well, that’s about to change. I just received an e-mail telling me I’m going to be sitting right next to him. I don’t want things to be awkward — especially if we stop seeing each other — but I feel like this is not a good situation. I cannot, however, ask for a move because then I’d have to explain my situation. I’m seriously in a pickle, Janice. Please help!

Office Dater

Oh, good grief! You kids!!! Sounds just like “having a boyfriend in a small college class” back in my day.Short answer-Don’t break up with him. Or let him break up with you.Then your secret life stays the same for both of you. (Until the economy recovers and 1 of you gets a different job-which doesn’t look like it’s going to happen in my lifetime, so anyway…)
My senior year boyfriend had several classes with me- we were both Anthro majors- we studied together a lot!!—And I never gave this problem a thought. Of course, the relationship continued for 2 yrs after college too. Not man I married-That One was my backup boyfriend senior year.)
If he dumps you, you are too Cool- way too cool- to let it affect you at work.And continue to be very nice to him.Not quite flirting level, just vibes- Make him rethink, cause you are “So Cool” about it all. Wear shorter skirts to work a lot. (You have Great Legs!!) Even after he dumps you, if that is the case. And the fake phone calls from the “new guy”- if he is close enough to overhear- it’s a classic.This could be fun. How boring is your job? Almost makes me wish you’d get broken up- just for the workplace fun of it all!! And by the way, I do not approve of this corporate “can’t date” policy- How’s a nice girl who works long and hard supposed to meet someone who is NOT an axe murderer/philanderer by nature/secretly married with 3 kids in Jersey in her spare time??? Since you kids don’t let your families scope them out for you ahead of time anymore, huh? Of course, I didn’t either…
In summary, I think your situation has a lot of possibilities for a lot of FUN AT WORK. And dating is supposed to be fun. No matter how it turns out. Remember-you’re the Female-you are secretly in charge. Crank it up if you want to keep him .And do it without anyone else at work being able “TO BE SURE…”Classy all the way. Subtly leaning over his desk with a V-neck on- also a classic…You know the drill. (If you don’t, ask Your Mom-bet she had a few tricks up her sleeve back in the day too.)

This next email isn’t from someone seeking advice. It’s from me. My mom sent me a baby blue dress with white polka dots in the mail so I emailed her to tell her that I received it.

Hi Mom. I got your package in the mail with the the dress from Macy’s. It’s really pretty, I like it! It’s really pale though. and I’m really pale. When I wear it I feel like a ghost. But it looks good.

Love you.


Nicole Kidman made a career out of being tall, thin and PALE, PAle, Pale!!! SO did Katherine Hepburn (not to mention playing JOURNALISTS!!–and she also wore Beige a lot.) AND I DO NOT EVER REMEMBER MARILYN MONROE WITH A TAN!!! (Actually, I think Marilyn freckled, so there!!) Marlene Dieterich? Invented raincoat,big Sunglasses with head scarf== “Celeb” underneath–look!!! (Doesn’t sound like a Sun lover? ) MAE WEST-DECOLLETE FOR MILES, BUT NEVER ANY TAN LINES.Also,CAROL LOMBARD, THE ORIGINAL PLATINUM BLONDE IN WHITE SATIN GOWN!! These women were not “shake & Bake” dye job Valley girl types!!
Play up your strengths-Guys LOVE NATURAL BLONDES and PALE is the Sin Qua Non of that attraction!! Be Proud!! Be Pale!!
Go for it, Baltic Babe! Take care, Love, MOM
(PS: Have you got the right sandals/heels to wear with it? Any excuse to get new shoes. right?Did you get the dress before your “wild weekend”? Was it wild? Was the weather good? Call me with details at your convenience, of course.Gossip girl time?)


6 Responses to “This Week in Janice: BREAKING UPDATE”

  1. Cara May 29, 2009 at 11:50 pm #

    Your dad was a back-up boyfriend in college? That is so amazing. I love Janice.

    • Claire May 30, 2009 at 2:41 am #

      Yes. They fought all the time so they never really dated, they’d just hook up when one or both of them was single. Somehow, their marriage didn’t work out. Funny, that.

  2. Cara May 29, 2009 at 11:54 pm #

    also, I think that Janice’s dating advice is the best. Maybe the reason I’m single is because I haven’t been talking to Janice…

  3. molly May 31, 2009 at 12:57 am #

    sigh. not a day passes that I do not wish Janice was my own mother. Claire, if she calls you Baltic Babe, what do you think she would call me??

  4. Alyssa June 2, 2009 at 9:40 pm #

    Hahahaha, the picture of the “office dater” is great. Where did you find such a good photog?

    • Molly June 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm #

      we subscribe to the google image wire

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