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Adult Onset Only Child Syndrome

8 Jul

Happy Birthday, Molly!

Molly’s birthday is coming up. As usual, I am planning it. I like planning parties for Molly because she makes outrageous requests, such as “I want a clambake!” (2008) and “I want to make people dress up as their own ethnic stereotypes!” (2009) and “I want to go to a bar and listen to live music like a normal person, but when we’re at the bar I want to climb up a ladder.” (2010).

Her party is still a week away, so I assume there will be plenty of bizarre requests lobbied at me over the next few days.  Here’s a sampling of what she requested this morning: Continue reading


Claire vs. Marc: In My Country, Food Eats YOU!

18 Aug

Can't we all just get along?

Claire: I got free Indian food for dinner tonight!

Marc: Yes! I don’t even really like Indian food but I am fully behind anything free and edible
Claire: what are you talking about? Indian food is the best kind of ethnic foo—OOOOOH. NEXT DEBATE

(Editor’s note: Why do Marc and I always talk about food? Is it because we’re too emotionally stunted to discuss our real feelings? We never talk about our hopes and dreams, our fears or concerns. Why is that? What are we avoiding? Eh, screw it. Feelings are for wimps and communists.)

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Cake vs. Pie

15 Jul

I know it’s hard to believe, but I do have other friends besides Molly and Mazall.  Sometimes, I go on vacation with those friends. Sometimes, those friends and I get drunk and spend several hours arguing the merits of cake versus pie.

That’s right.  I said Cake vs. Pie.  It’s one of life’s all-important questions, right up there with the existence of God. I mean, what are we doing here anyway? Are we the result of a highly improbable collision of atoms floating through space with no real purpose? Are we the divine work of a spiritual maker? Or are we simply someone’s weekend craft project?

I don’t know, but I do know one thing: I love pie.

But I also love cake. And thus man’s eternal struggle begins….

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