Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers

23 Jan

I’m from Chicago. The Bears’ quarterback, Jay Cutler, went to Vanderbilt with me. In fact, the Bears have five Vanderbilt players on their team right now. (Marc? Is this right?) The Bears practice in my hometown. When I was little, I had a Walter Payton poster in my bedroom. My dad and I used to watch football together every Sunday—always a Bears game.  There are plenty of reasons for me to like the Bears.  Marc likes the Bears because he’s a decent human being who knows what’s important in life. Oh, and he’s also from Illinois and went to Vandy too.
Today’s Bears-Packers game is a very important football game. It’s the classic contest of good versus evil. Man versus …whatever the hell a Packer is. The best city in the country versus a town no one cares about. Oh yeah, and there’s that whole Super Bowl thing.

But there’s one problem: I don’t follow football that closely. I’ve watched three, maybe four Bears games all season. And I never watch another team play. I can’t throw out stats or discuss the intricacies of football players’ talent. Let’s face it, I’m at a trash-talking disadvantage. Or am I?  With Marc’s help, I came up with some reasons why I don’t like Green Bay:

FACT: Packer fans romance sheep

FACT: The Packers are the only team that you can’t put the word “Fudge” in front of

FACT: The Green Bay Packers are made purely of cheese

FACT: The Green Bay Packers think Leno is funny

FACT: The Green Bay Packers forgot your birthday

FACT: The Green Bay Packers fought for the Confederacy

FACT: The Green Bay Packers ate at a restaurant and then skipped out on the bill

FACT: The Green Bay Packers want to raise your taxes

FACT: The Green Bay Packers are illegally enriching uranium

FACT: The Green Bay Packers’ favorite movie is While You Were Sleeping

FACT: The Green Bay Packers started the riots in Tunisia

FACT: The Green Bay Packers subscribe to Newsweek

FACT: The Green Bay Packers illegally fish for bluefin tuna

FACT: When people ask where the Packers are from, they lie and say Milwaukee

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7 Responses to “Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers”

  1. Matthew January 23, 2011 at 10:10 pm #

    Fudge Raiders? Fudge Browns?

    • Claire January 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm #

      Fudge Jets!

      • Matthew January 24, 2011 at 12:18 am #

        That’s disturbing. And offensive — I happen to be a fudge Patriot, madam!

      • Claire January 24, 2011 at 12:29 am #

        I’m a Fudge Steeler….who can’t spell

  2. mazz January 24, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

    cleh, i watched the game and was rooting for the Bears. i tried to shed a tear when they lost, but i made myself burp instead.

  3. Marc January 25, 2011 at 3:22 am #

    RAAAAGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

    That is all.

  4. Daniel Luzer February 3, 2011 at 5:22 am #

    Leaving aside for a moment the actual sports component, why the hell is this a culturally affiliated contest? I’ve never met a single person from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Do it even have people, or just some stadium and a big parking lot?

Go ahead, say it.

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