Have You Seen My Netflix Street Cred?

8 Jul

Mazall Antoinette

No?  Well, that makes sense.  Because Mazall destroyed it.

You see, once upon a time, I controlled my movie-watching destiny.  I added various titles to my queue.  They were speedily mailed to me, opened with anticipation.  Some were watched immediately (Little Big League !) and some were neglected for weeks, returned unseen (W.).   I rated them all with glee, waiting with awe to see what Netflix would next recommend.  Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home?  Seen it, but damn you Netflix, you know me so well.  Factory Girl?  Because I enjoyed Blow and Almost Famous?  I’ll take it!  Throw in anything involving Penelope Cruz while you’re at it.

Then, God gave man the wonderful gift of Instant Movies on Netflix, and my heart leaped up even higher.  Now, I could watch a cornucopia of cinematic hits/misses on my laptop, from the comfort of my own bed.

Enter: Trojan Horse.

“Just insert this disc in your Nintendo Wii and you can stream Netflix Instant movies directly to your TV.

“What a grand idea!,” thought I.   I conveniently forgot about it until Evan was over and begged him to set it up.  It worked beautifully.  But soon night fell, and something awful happened.  I should have sensed it in the air…I should have known that behind every closed door and cabinet drawer in this apartment there lurks a crumbly, old, usually-British and always-anticlimactic Monster otherwise known as…Mazall’s taste in movies.

It began with an e-mail:

How was the Picture Quality of Shakespeare in Love?

What?  I didn’t watch that garbage.  I forwarded it to Mazall.  “Care to explain, m’lady?”

“Hee hee,” she replied.  “That just made my day.”

Then came an email about Sense and Sensibility, as if she were trying to fine-tune an already perfect stereotype.  Then something called Keeping Up Appearances.  What’s that?  Maybe that was Claire?  After all, it sounds like some awful 80’s sitcom about divorced parents who live together for the sake of their kids.  Could have some amazing outfits.  But no, it was even worse…

Meet everyone’s favorite snobbish pretender and social climber, Hyacinth Bucket (Patricia Routledge) and her wacky extended family in this hilarious British series that first aired on the BBC. While Hyacinth’s days are spent performing “charitable” acts for the lower classes (including her sisters), she still finds time to give her long-suffering husband, Richard (Clive Swift), plenty of unnecessary advice and keep her neighbors on edge.

I mean, WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE???

As the list grew, I thought about hiding the Wii, throwing it away, moving out even.

“Kramer vs. Kramer” (not about Seinfeld).
“Frances” (I don’t even know which Frances.  Doesn’t matter.  Can you think of one interesting Frances?)
“Robin Hood: Prince of Theives” (Forgivable but still.  What is she, 12?)
“So I Married an Axe-Murderer” (I mean…)
SIX EPISODES OF THE TUDORS!
JAWS 2?!?!?!?

She was totally messing up my chi.  I don’t even know who I am when I log in anymore.

“Molly, we think you’ll like Jaws 3…”

Well, you’d be wrong.

“How often do you watch creature-based movies?”

NEVER!

“How often do you watch water thrillers?”

NOT EVER!

“How was the picture quality of Vanity Fair?”

I DON’T KNOW MAZALL WAS TOO BUSY TALKING ABOUT NAPOLEONIC-ERA HAIRSTYLES!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I rest my case.

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27 Responses to “Have You Seen My Netflix Street Cred?”

  1. noelle July 8, 2010 at 1:03 am #

    This is a hard one. Mazall is my sister and I love her. Molly is my friend/old roomie and I love her. But DAMN can Mazall watch A LOT of period piece movies, even documentaries! BUT just to make the board even, I did watch “So I married an axe murderer the other day”. Don’t fight me on this one, it’s a classic. For the 90’s that is.

    • mazz July 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm #

      “NADIA, I’M COMING!” *fairie, flitty, dancy leaps*

  2. Mazall's Mom July 8, 2010 at 3:43 am #

    What can I say Molly, it’s a genetic thing!

    • Molly July 8, 2010 at 3:59 am #

      I love how mazall’s whole family is commenting!

  3. Max Sharp (Molly's Reckoner) July 8, 2010 at 3:45 am #

    As much fun as it is to strip Mazall of her dignity and self-esteem, you must forgive her of her nauseating obsession with the 1700’s and earlier. She seriously, literally, sadly, is addicted to it like some kind of chemical-based narcotic. But back to you Molly! Marie Antoinette is god damn beautiful and i will personally make you watch “So I Married An Axe Murderer” until your eyes bleed (it’s like an orange on a toothpick!) Mazall, you have a friend and a bro….brah……a broth…. a brother! There I said it. Sleep tight tiddly winks!

    • Molly July 8, 2010 at 3:58 am #

      TIDDLY WINKS! I used to love that game!

  4. mazz July 8, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    Ahh, yay! I knew my family would always defend me when it came to the important stuff.

    • molly July 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

      Sigh. They aren’t really defending you, per se. It’s more like they are just shrugging their shoulders at your crazy taste. After all, they don’t have to live with you anymore!

      • mazz July 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm #

        Hellooooo, where do you think I got my crazy taste? The first movie I remember watching as a toddler is Amadeus. Explains a lot.

  5. noelle July 8, 2010 at 3:23 pm #

    That OR Labyrinth, which explains our strange taste in men. 🙂

  6. Drewpreme July 8, 2010 at 3:40 pm #

    Look The Tudors is an awesome show. Plus my inherent knollie of it helped me with my heartthrob encounter with Joss “Anne Of Cleaves” Stone. (“I can’t believe they cast you as the allegedly ugly queen, ugly never looked so good!”)

    Thats about as far as I can defend you Mazzarelli… The rest you’re on your own.

  7. alexa July 8, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    mazzy has the best taste in movies EVER

  8. Marc July 8, 2010 at 4:44 pm #

    Molly, you can’t knock Kramer vs. Kramer (a classic), So I Married an Axe Murderer (a hilarious romp) and the Tudors (mentioned in my Top 10 TV of the decade list) and expect to keep any kind of movie cred. In your attempt to discredit Mazall, you’ve unwittingly outed yourself.

    As far as Mazall, her taste in movies frightens and disturbs me.

    • Molly July 8, 2010 at 4:47 pm #

      The Tudors is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! No one said your top 10 list was a bible

      • dan July 8, 2010 at 4:52 pm #

        The Tudors is pretty bad. Is Mazall British?

      • mazz July 8, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

        I only watch the Tudor’s because Jonathan Rhys Meyers is hot and there are always steamy, corset busting sex scenes. Duh. The acting, however, is atrocious. As are the costumes, hair and makeup.

      • Marc July 8, 2010 at 5:10 pm #

        WHOA WHOA WHOA. If this is just a joke and a way to push my buttons, bravo. Because you two are full of it. The Tudors is an awesome show, full of badass people doing badass things. I will not entertain any more of this discussion.

    • mazz July 8, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

      Ok, but Marc, all of those movies you listed as being awesome are movies THAT I WATCHED. So, how is my taste in movies poor?? Kramer vs. Kramer, So I Married…, etc.

      • Marc July 8, 2010 at 5:04 pm #

        Because those are quite clearly the exception. Points for liking a few movies that everything should like, but Shakespeare in Love drops you down almost too far to recover.

  9. Claire July 8, 2010 at 4:46 pm #

    First of all, I *DO* like Keeping Up Appearances! It’s a British comedy from the early 90s and it’s quite delightful.

    Second of all, Molly has repeatedly asked Mazall and I to watch The Time Traveler’s Wife with her. We say no because it looks stupid (Rachel McAdams is nice and all, but I don’t want to watch her cry because he husband disappeared into thin air again) then three weeks later, she asks AGAIN.

    And then there was the day I came home from work to find both of my roommates on the couch, fully engrossed in the emotion-drama “Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken.”

    • Molly July 8, 2010 at 4:48 pm #

      The Time Traveller’s Wife falls into the category of “Nights in Rodanthe” and “The Lake House” and “Felicity”…perfectly fine if you are knowingly watching crap. But you can’t ONLY watch crap!

      Um, and Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken is the best movie ever.

      • mazz July 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm #

        Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken IS SO GOOD. There’s a pony! And she goes blind! And love triumphs! What could be better!?

      • jmask July 8, 2010 at 6:06 pm #

        i looooooooooooooooooove wild hearts cant be broken. almost as much as i love the man in the moon.

      • Claire July 9, 2010 at 5:31 am #

        WHCBB is about a blind girl and her diving horse.

        And the blind girl isn’t even Helen Keller.

  10. jmask July 8, 2010 at 6:08 pm #

    “so i married an axe murdered” is kind of fantastic– helloooo “she stole my heart and my CAT”

    wait. i am not helping am i?

    live long and prosper!!!

  11. Janice July 16, 2010 at 3:03 am #

    yeah see i dont watch any of that crap. But Molly doesn’t now about Hyacinth Bucket on Keeping Up Appearances? Where was this poor girl raised?!

    • Molly July 16, 2010 at 3:05 am #

      What is a Hyacinth Bucket ? That sounds like a Bath & Body Works scent.

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