Claire v. Marc: Lady Gaga is hot v. Lady Gaga is not hot

1 Jul

I'd hit that...but she'd probably hit me back.

Claire: Lady Gaga is hot

Marc: Lady Gaga is NOT hot.

Claire: I challenge you to a blog duel

Marc: I accept, you harlot.


Round 1: Marc

I reference to you a joke from long ago; “Lady Gaga may or may not be a lady,” or some variant thereof. This crazy gal has a particularly odd unisex look to her very questionable appearance. If you were to strip down the frogsuit jackets, MOMA inspired dresses and general Bjorkishness of her fashion sense you may possibly be left with a girl who is, in fact, cute. In that sentence however I must emphasize the words “possibly” and “cute”. Stephanie Germanotta was by all accounts a cute girl, but by no means a stunner. And at this stage it seems quite clear that Germanotta is dead. What we are left with is the unfortunate fashion equivalent of Frankenstein’s monster, an amalgamation of assorted pieces brought to life to destroy us all. Any potential attractiveness is completely overshadowed by the weird, as well as the fact the she bares an uncomfortable resemblance to Victoria Gotti. Is she intriguing? Certainly. Hot? Certainly not.

oopsie daisy

P.S. Her songs are garbage. RA-RA-SIS-BOOM-BAH, or whatever the hell that joke of a chorus is in that not-“Poker Face” song, is not a lyric, it’s gibberish. I can only assume her songs are written by a team of 4th graders.

I love herRound 2: Claire

Okay. So Stephanie Germanotta wasn’t a “stunner.” Great, fine, whatever. Don’t care. But then she painted lightning bolts on her face, draped herself in triangles, strapped herself into shoes that look like glittery lobster claws and that’s when she became totally, unquestionably, without-a-doubt sexy.

She’s hot because she can reference sex and sexual actions without simply catering to conventional male fantasy. Most men fantasize about Katy Perry’s whipped cream boobs, not women who dress up like monsters. They want to watch Ciara ride it. They don’t want to wear high heels and play rough with a short-haired nun.

As for her music, I will admit that Gaga’s songs are not groundbreaking on their own. I’ve said it before, but “Just Dance” sounds like an Eiffel 65 remake. My favorite music video is the nearly 10-minute “Telephone” mini-movie about murder, but “Telephone” the song itself is pretty bland. I listen to it when I run, but that’s cause it’s peppy and the “I’m kind-a bus-y” line has a great beat.  But Lady Gaga can sing, and she excels at theatrics. She puts on a show. I haven’t seen her live but I assume it’s less like a rock concert and more like going to the theater.

And yet, her music has its moments. Within her otherwise commonplace dance tracks are some lyrics that really shine.  “Alejandro” is not a dance song. It’s not even really much of a pop song. But the lines “She’s got both hands in her pockets/and she won’t look at you” explains what has happened in pretty much every depressing, about-to-break-up conversation I’ve ever had. Likewise, “Bad Romance” is the exact opposite of every love song or romantic comedy ever written. And it’s probably more accurate than them all. Her songs are about: getting really drunk and dancing, ignoring someone and then making them feel guilty for expecting differently, an abusive relationship, breaking-up, hiding who you are, being entirely consumed by someone to the point where it becomes unhealthy, obsessive stalking, emptiness, and sex. She’s weird and creepy and a total freak who might kill you in your sleep. And that makes her so much hotter than any Maxim cover model ever will be.

Jersey Shore?

Freak face!


29 Responses to “Claire v. Marc: Lady Gaga is hot v. Lady Gaga is not hot”

  1. Ryan July 1, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    Claire: 1

    Marc: -45

    • Marc July 2, 2010 at 12:13 am #

      I’m going to puke on you on vacation.

      • Claire July 2, 2010 at 4:58 pm #

        I’m going to puke on your puke

      • Marc July 2, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

        Well that’s just disgusting Claire.

  2. Molly July 1, 2010 at 9:15 pm #

    I agree with Claire. Other items I will add to hot list:

    blue swimsuit dance in poker face (cued):

    naked couch dancing (cued):

    Red dancing (cued):

    sigh. I love her

    • Marc July 2, 2010 at 12:12 am #

      Yeah, those are all not hot. In fact, the facial closeups in the last one are just terrifying.

  3. Marc July 2, 2010 at 12:10 am #

    Claire, you ignorant slut.

    We’re talking about hotness here people. Strict hotness. You seem to be under the impression that this seemingly existential concept of sexy matters. Like it’s some sort of trump card that she’s dramatic, and does crazy things and OMG LOOK I’M WEARING A NEW CRAZY OUTFIT I’M SO TRENDSETTING BLAH BLAH BLAH.
    It doesn’t matter. In the grand scheme none of that crap is any different than Madonna pushing the envelope back in the day (or now for that matter) or Eminem writing every song about how controversial he is. It’s a silly act designed to get people to talk about her and buy her shitty music. Yes, it’s an interesting sideshow, sometimes hilarious, and clearly works, but it is beyond me why awkwardly holding a machine gun on Rolling Stone, or going to a baseball game and behaving like a troll makes her hot.
    The question remains, is Lady Gaga hot? As a single, 20 something, heterosexual male, I feel fairly well qualified to answer the following questions:
    1. Would I date Lady Gaga? No.
    2. Would I marry Lady Gaga? No.
    3. Do I like anything about Lady Gaga? No.
    4. Is Lady Gaga ugly? Yes.

    Not. Hot.

    • Claire July 2, 2010 at 2:20 pm #

      NEW BLOG SERIES: “Getting Marc to date Lady Gaga”

  4. Jacob July 2, 2010 at 12:40 am #

    as another single male in his 20’s, I agree with Marc.

    not hot.

    not even considered.

  5. Jared July 2, 2010 at 12:58 am #

    I’m with Marc and Jacob here.

  6. Sean July 2, 2010 at 12:59 am #

    Marc is absolutely right. Lady Gaga is not the least bit hot. In fact, my dick is scared of her.

    Just because she’ll wear any outfit her publicist tells her to or shows up at awards shows looking like a mental patient doesn’t make her any more physically attractive. It makes her an average-looking Jersey girl attention whore wrapped in rejected costumes from 1980’s B-level scifi movies.

    Here is a transcript of my reactions to the youtube links you posted:
    1. “Damn, she’s a freakin twig. Why is she so angry when she dances? Ooof, it’s probably best if you don’t have songs that focus on your face.”
    2. “She certainly looks like she’s really TRYING to be sexy, but I can’t tell if she’s turned on or convulsing. The bondage-y outfit and the bad, angry face is not doing anything for me. Why are all these other girls dead? Did Lady Gaga kill them because they were better looking? Is she taking on an entire Poison cover band?”
    3. “I guess the butt isn’t too ba…. WHAT THE FUCK?? Is that Lady Gaga or a trannie? Please, please, please don’t show any more close ups!”

    I’m a dude that loves a pretty face and nice curves. Stephanie doesn’t have either, which is why she’s forced to dress like something out of a 2am-burrito-fueled nightmare.

    NOT hot.

  7. Drewpreme July 2, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    If this was a court of law or just the plain ole debate team, Marc is winning by a landslide. Just based off asking the question if she’s “hot” you’re already using predefined standards that doesn’t play in to Gaga’s favor. So kudos to Marc for buttressing my beliefs about this woman and at least I’m not the only guy who is flustered by this quizzical attraction people have with this chick.

    Please DO NOT compare Gaga to Madonna. Granted the Madge we know of today looks more like a gym teacher than a hot chick, but as prahlee the only reader of this blog who actually was old enough to see the evolution of Ms. Ciccone-Ritchie, Madonna was never as outlandish fashion wise as this costumed strumpet. Madonna had style (I gotta check my manhood here), she was avant garde but not gaudy. Madonna was Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump”, Dustin Hoffman in “Rain Man”, Lady Gaga is Tug Speedman as “Happy Jack”, and as Kirk Lazarus so eloquently told Tug in the jungles of Vietnam – “You never go full retard.” Lady Gaga has gone full retard and therein lies the problem. (God I hope someone has seen “Tropic Thunder” here)

    What I find as the sticky wicket in this whole thing is that Gaga is actually really talented. When I saw her on YouTube knock out an acoustic version of “Poker Face” I was floored, and perplexed. Why does a woman with such innate talent reduces herself to some gimmicky performance artist? Gaga comes off more like Gallagher when she doesn’t really have to. But I guess as the arguably irksome Jiggerman says “Dumb it down to double your dollars”, and Gaga is full on special ed with the short bus as her Maybach (again its pretty brilliant, oh the ironing!)

    What rankles me the most about Gaga has to do my defense and love of Ms. Amy Winehouse who I think runs laps around Gaga. Its amazing that a faux bleeding Gaga is lauded, while a really bleeding Amy is lamented. Gaga carefully crafted cuckoonery is championed while the authentic Billy Holiday-esque tragic arc is mocked and often encouraged to what portends to be a tragic end. (I hope not Amy I need one more album out of you!!!!) In summation I actually think Amy Winehouse (pre-crack habit) is hotter than pre-Gaga Stephanie Germanotta, and way more talented.

    • Claire July 2, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

      I don’t think proclaiming to like/dislike Gaga or find her hot/not hot will in any way diminish Amy Winehouse’s talent. Amy is great. Her “Back to Black” album is a work of art. She became very famous, which caused paparazzi to follow her around and turn her into the same type of celebrity—as least as far as tabloid magazines are concerned—as Lindsay Lohan. But she’s not a pop star. She’s not competing against Lady Gaga for fans or for music. I consider her more along the lines of say, Janis Joplin. And I love (love love love loooove) me some Janis.

      • Drewpreme July 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

        Great points on AW. I don’t think she wanted to be followed like that, which I think creates a diabolical death spiral of going over the top with the behavior. I think in her mind she’s like “OK I’ll give them a show and maybe they’ll leave me the eff alone.”, whereas the media keeps wanting more. Its like Ruthie on “Real World: Hawaii”, I don’t think she was THAT much of a drunk but MTV played it up and she obliged them. However I’ll buy Amy some new kicks and a case of BandAids, because them ballerina shoes are thru. I wonder if she buys them in bulk like you can get Chinese slippers on Canal Street.

        Poor La Lohan. She should have just stuck with me that night.

    • Marc July 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm #

      Drewseph, I bow to your superior Madonna knowledge and gladly retract that comparison, which is fine as the metaphor is largely unnecessary. The overall point stands the same thought, that her act is just that. An act. And such tricks hold no bearing for me in relation to the original question.

      As far as Winehouse goes, I doubly agree with both of you. She’s an amazing talent with a real old school soul feel to her voice, but with modern sensibilities. As Claire said though, she’s in a different genre. And to echo your thoughts further, her relation with the media is way different in that I don’t believe anything she does is for the purpose of atrracting attention or putting on a show. She’s just an addict and an emotional rollercoaster going about her business. It just so happens that her business is covered by British tabloids and the entire music industry.

      This is a great example of how great she was back in the day and how much different/better she looked too.

      • Sean July 8, 2010 at 4:30 am #

        Did Amy Winehouse just give me a boner?

      • Drewpreme July 8, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

        I love this song… I believe I actually confessed to Molly at some point that this is on my short list of “Drewpreme’s Wedding Songs”.

        (Which Molly will probably ask me to blog)

        And yes AW is smoking hot to me in this video, in a “Sarah Silverman’s Cousin” kindaway…

  8. Drewpreme July 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    PS – That blood red lace outfit still scares the schitt outta me. Crazy trollop.

  9. molly July 2, 2010 at 4:12 pm #

    I love blog.

    • molly July 8, 2010 at 3:46 pm #

      Drew honey can you please Blog your wedding song short list

      • Drewpreme July 8, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

        For you Molly yes, and I figure Mazzarelli needs to know what she’s in for (*rimshot*)

  10. Janice July 16, 2010 at 3:10 am #

    I think Marc’s right because he’s a heterosexual male. Heterosexual girls arent finding her hot they’re finding her weird.

    Claire: MOOOOOM you’re supposed to be on my side

    Mom: Well, too bad

    • Marc July 16, 2010 at 6:17 pm #

      I win! I win! I always do.

  11. Fahad July 20, 2010 at 3:56 pm #

    I love that my penis scared of lady gaga, that’s hot.
    The woman has legs all the way up and kickin’ curves, also hot.
    And her face is by no means ugly, unique definitely, but not ugly.

    Fratboy checklist of hotness:

    Blonde – Check
    TIGHT body – Check
    Big tits, long legs, round ass, etc – check
    Willingness to sleep with me – oh damn.

    And there in lies why men don’t think gaga is hot, because they are scared of her. And she is terrifying. But as a the mostly manly man on this blog, and probably the hairiest (though I don’t know most of the people writing here), I can say that Gaga is definitely hot stuff, and that is because I wouldn’t be afraid to spend a night getting destroyed by her unending power. Also, this must be why she has such a fascination over women.

    Let me put it this way, when was the last time a young, tall, atheletic blonde willingly made herself look horrific in the public eye? We are, of course, obsessed with beauty, and it seems almost unnatural that someone would willingly make themselves look less attractive then they are. In the bad romance video Gaga goes back and forth, nearly cut to cut looking alluring and monstrous. Fascinating. And bold. Strength is hot. So is her body, but it’s her power and allure, her will, strength, and independence that makes her a knock out.

    Also, she’s bi. Double hot. Also intimidates men. I love that about her.

    As for her art, I as the only person on this blog that I know with a Master’s in Fine Arts, my opinion on this will be far superior and valid to any of you lesser educated peons.

    The woman is an artistic genius. Her songs are catchy enough to actually garner herself an audience for avant-garde works. I mean really, how many people have seen weird/artsy/monstrous movies like Gozu, or Pi compared to the 64 million that watched the Bad Romance video? Her deconstruction of beauty and sexuality and sexual desire are edgy, fascinating, and pertinent to today’s world.

    Also, Madonna was just a low brow slut. Gaga is all class.

    I’m running on two hours of sleep, forgive the ramblings.

  12. Hailey JustShady August 1, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    Like i need to say this. Lady Gaga is the best!

  13. theAnswer May 7, 2011 at 12:06 pm #

    Sorry guys, in this particular argument Marc is right, sometime in photos Lady Gaga looks smokin hot and i would love to tap it, but in the majority which is more a reflection of real life she looks quite manly and ugly, and marc is right about the whole outfit persona thing having nothing to do with the argument, outfits image personality and perona can make someone very attractive but thats not the definition of hot, hot is when you see a picture of someone without knowing them at all or knowing nothing about them but as soon as you see them you think dammmmmmmmnnn!!!!! that what the definition of “hot” is, Claire you have a good argument but you let the tecnicalities of word choice be your final demise, alot of people might be attracted to Lady Gaga but she isn’t hot, they are just attracted to her image and persona, and Marc i wouldnt be so excited , and even if you did win and always do win, look at what your debating about, this my man makes you a very big loser, me to i guess for commenting but i hate stupid people so i decided to set everyone one straight, end result is (as a hetro male) gaga can look hot sometimes but most the time she does not, she is intruiging though!!!!

  14. justin beiber September 21, 2014 at 7:09 am #

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    Fantastic work!

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