Bend it like Donovan

Sports!

I don’t like soccer. Wait, wait! Don’t yell at me just yet. I don’t dislike soccer either. It’s just there, existing in the world for neither good nor ill. It impacts my life about as much as badminton. Or a piece of toast. The World Cup is a cool idea, it’s true. I like the national aspiration, the international camaraderie laced with some pretty serious competition, and the nice looking men in sexy sports jerseys, but does everyone I know have to talk about it? Constantly? For a month?

Marc loves soccer.  Of course he does—it’s a sport. As the World Cup progresses, Marc and I have enjoyed discussing the finer points of “fütbol” and why I am such a complete lame-ass.  Today, he finally convinced me to watch a game. We watched the U.S.—Algeria match together. Well, not together together, because Marc lives far away. We watched it together on gchat.  Here’s what happened:

The pre-game email exchange:

From Claire
Ugh, I hate the World Cup. it’s so f-ing boring. We’ve had the entire tournament on in the office, all day every day.  People shout whenever anything exciting happens. For the past few weeks, I’ve gone to work in a vaguely corporate equivalent of a sports bar. No one in the U.S. watches soccer and then suddenly they all care? Posers.

Although this sporting event has the highest percentage of hot men of any sport I’ve ever seen. So at least there’s that.

From Marc
Soccer is the greatest sport in the world. Consequently the World Cup is the greatest sporting event in the world. It is an abomination that our country, which purports to love winning and hate losing, continues to stand for failure supplemented by occasional mediocrity in the world’s most popular sport. We are mocked by all and for some reason this is OK? Rubbish.

From Claire
Can Cristiano Ronaldo come on vacation with us? He can sleep in my bed.

From Marc
Claire, please. Of all the douchebags in soccer, Cristiano Ronaldo is the douchiest. He is a clown and a disgrace to the game because he pulls shit like this. Literally, no one touched him, and he crumpled to the ground. People piss and moan about the flopping and overly dramatic soccer players and he is the worst of them all. He is NOT allowed on vacation.

Then we switched to gchat

Claire: The World Cup is like the Olympics but with only one sport
Marc: But you love the Olympics!
Claire: Because there were so many sports!
Marc: That’s totally illogical. You’re not into sports, but the more sports there are, the better??
Claire: Yes, because they’re so exciting! This is the same thing over and over again
Marc: That is just because you dont understand it
Claire: I understand the Olympics! “ski fast!” “jump high!”
Marc: “shove a rock with a broom!”
“sweep ice!”

Claire: if I can’t root for Cristiano Ronaldo, what about Yoann Gourcuff?
Marc: France? You’re going with France?
Claire: Yes I am!
Marc: France is a horrible team. They are appalling.
Claire: I don’t care if Yoann is good at soccer.

viva la resistance!

Claire: I’ve changed my mind.
Claire: Miguel Veloso
Marc: He’s from Portugal. Nobody even knows why Portugal exists. It’s like Spain, but pointless.
Claire: You’re like Spain but pointless.

I dont know anything about Portugal

Marc: What do you think of  Frank Ribery?
Claire: Google says….
Claire: HAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Marc: He’s one of their best players
Claire: Is he rich?
Marc: Yes.
Claire: Then why doesn’t he get his teeth fixed?
Marc: His wife is hot
Marc: Well, not hot. But not bad.
Claire: She looks like a trashy, unfamous Lady Gaga.
Claire: Her teeth are messed up too! What is wrong with these people?

Claire: Okay, fine. I’m watching the U.S.-Algeria game. I’m paying attention. I kind of want Algeria to win. but then I know we’re out of the cup so I kind of don’t.
Marc: YOU ARE A TERRORIST

Claire: the score is 0:0
this sure is fascinating.
Marc: UGH. IT IS.

Claire: OH OH WHO IS HE?
and the other guy? talking?
RIGHT NOW?
oh they went away
anyway, they looked nice
Why arent you answering my question about hot soccer men? why why why?!
Marc: I was replying to Ryan’s email. and I’m not going back to see who they were
Claire: But then how am i supposed to know who i’m marrying?
Marc: You don’t. that’s the excitement of soccer.

Marc: did you see that?
DID YOU SEE THAT?
Claire: no but I heard (redacted) shout “OOOOH!” from his office
Marc: we missed a goal, Claire. It was gripping
Claire: sorry, I was working.  Ooh, someone fell down
Claire: if we tie, we still advance right?
I think that’s what NPR said this morning
Marc: Not if England wins. And England is winning right now

Claire: OH that black man is hot
Marc: …
Claire: #14
Marc: buddle
edson
Claire: his name is Buddle Edson?
Marc: Edson Buddle
Claire: weird.

America is great

Claire: I ran 5 miles this morning but this game looks infinitely more exhausting than anyhing I’ve ever done.
Marc: it’s brutal
Claire: the field looks bigger than a football field
Marc: it is
Marc: You’re basically going between sprinting and jogging the whole time
and almost all the players play a full 90 minutes
you get 3 subs
Claire: I don’t remember AYSO being that difficult

Claire: how much does a cleat to the face hurt?
Marc: hold on important things are happening
UGH. COME ON.
Marc: no goal.
Claire: I gathered that because people in the office just groaned
Marc: um, a cleat anywhere hurts quite a bit
I’m sure to the face would be horrific
Claire: I’m just surprised these people aren’t more beat up. this game looks rough

Claire: Jonathan Bornstein. He’s nice
Marc: I feel like you’d like Carlos Bocanegra
Claire: I do like him! I like brown hair.
Claire: This game is fun. but I still am going to complain about it
Claire: Ok, I’m ready for us to score now….
(waits)

is Carlos Bocanegra even a real person?

Claire: #17 got hurt
Marc: he’s fine
Claire: phew
Claire: why are they all bleeding on the face? is this like in Lost where they all get nosebleeds?
Marc: WTF! HE GOT ELBOWED AND THEY DIDN’T CALL IT
it should’ve been a penalty kick and we would have scored a goal and won and advanced
instead we got nothing and we’re going to draw and be done
Marc: EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE
Marc: this is as awful as I’ve ever felt about anything
Claire: I’m hungry

Claire: what is a yellow card?
Marc: a penalty
there’s yellows and red
a red gets you kicked out of the match
2 yellows = a red
Claire: yellow was on Algeria?
Marc: no, on us. And it was horseshit
Claire: WHAT?
but they took our ball?
this game is retarded
Marc: it was a terrible call

Marc: this feels awful
Marc: I feel like i’m going to puke
Marc: we’ve never gotten a fucking break once in this sport
NEVER

Then this happened:

Claire: OHHH
OOOOOOOOOOOOH
Marc: WEFJEOIVJ#()TU
WED IDTI DITDIT
OHMHGDOD
WEDIT
Claire:hahaha they just showed a shot of a US fan in the stands who has a “Yes We Can” sign
that slogan works for everything
Marc: CLAIRE THAT WAS MIRACULOUS
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
Marc: if ever there were a day for day-drinking, this is it
Marc: AMERICA DOMINATED THE WORLD
Claire: awww, purple guy is sad

Claire: man, time for a nap. that was intense
Marc: I have to go to work after this
Claire: I love that you just skipped work for this
Marc: go to work?
are you serious?
during this?
I am a PATRIOT.
Claire: if you worked at a place as glorious as The Death Star they’d let you watch it all day long
Claire: and if you didn’t want to watch it, they’d force you to

Marc: I bet Newsweek is watching public access right now. In black and white

Claire: #10 on USA isn’t cute. fire him
Claire: unless he just scored the game-winning goal…which it seems like he did. In that case, nevermind
Marc: HE IS OUR BEST PLAYER CLAIRE
Marc: AND HE WON
Claire: Fiiiiiinnneeeeeeee
Marc: also, as a sidenote
fuck Slovenia

Landon Donovan: he'll do

Bonus: Mazall’s contribution to World Cup coverage…

Mazall: my IT guy just said I had to wait for help on my computer until after the soccer game is over
WTF
excuse me for working