We Have Russias!

20 May
oh, just some stuff we have around the apartment

oh, just some stuff we have around the apartment

Molly and I love Russia. Her fascination with the coldest, most depressing country in the world started in college, when she discovered vodka read Hedda Gabbler. The book moved her to try to become, in her words, “a Russian bitch.”  Vodka just made her drunk.

My love affair goes all the way back to my early childhood, when my father used to convince me to do things by calling me a communist “Only communists stay up past their bedtime,” he would say. “Only communists refuse to eat their vegetables.” Instead of turning me from communism, his mind games made me wish to become a  Soviet.

Molly and I don’t know very much about Russia. Oh sure, we’ve read Russian novels, watched the occasional PBS documentary about the Romonovs, but we’re hardly experts. We’re not even sure how to say ‘Yes’ in Russian. (Answer: Da. How did we not know that?)

So on Memorial Day we’re packing our bags, donning fluffy fur hats and traveling all the way to: RUSSIA!!

Okay, so we’re not going this Memorial Day. We’re going Memorial Day 2011.  You see, going to Russia is a very time consuming and difficult process. We need an entire year to plan. We have to:

Save money

Apply for Visas

Read guidebooks

Learn conversational Russian

Buy fur hats

Increase our alcohol tolerance

Be able to fall asleep with the lights on because we’ll be traveling during White Nights

Write tragic short stories

Develop taste for caviar

Avoid getting poisoned because we are journalists

Detect train bombers

Figure out how to carry millions of rubles in our pockets

Convert everything to Celcius

Figure out how to survive in a gulag

Buy Vladimir Putin a shirt

Buy several pairs of blue jeans to sell on the black market

Change names to Claire the Great and Molly the Terrible

Compete against the U.S. in the Space Race, gymnastics

Defeat Napoleon

Defeat Hitler

Seize control of privately owned companies and then jail their executives under false pretenses

Pinpoint the flaw in Marxism

Buy a bear rug

Learn all the words to Back in the U.S.S.R.

Figure out which politician was the one with the birthmark on his head

Express the beauty of the world through dance, like Mikhail Baryshnikov

Bomb Georgia

Deny bombing Georgia

Join the KGB

play Russian roulette

Acquire a Kalashnikov

Attempt to join the E.U. and then pretend like we don’t care when we are rebuffed. (Rubles are better anyway. Where’s my wheelbarrow?)

Find Moose and Squirrel

So stay tuned for updates on “Project: We Have Russias!” as the year progresses.


11 Responses to “We Have Russias!”

  1. Molly May 20, 2010 at 3:19 am #

    Claire: Do you know how to say “Yes” in Russian?
    Molly: Oui.
    Claire: Da!
    Molly: Oh.
    Claire: I feel like we knew that but then got drunk and forgot it.
    Molly: I know how to say doll in Russian!
    Claire: Babooshka!
    Molly: That means grandma.
    Claire: Oh.

    • Claire May 20, 2010 at 3:22 am #

      Thank god we have a year to prepare

  2. kerry May 20, 2010 at 3:32 am #

    oh many’s a time that only a bottle of Belvedere stood between myself and the crushing reality of Life on Earth… i heartily endorse your plan!

    in hopes of getting you one (small) step closer to your dream, allow me to help with “no” == “nyet”.

    My coworker (a genuine Russian and former nuclear physicist [though in truth, once a nuclear physicist, always a nuclear physicist]) says it all the time when I say something wrong. Which is all the time.

    If you need any difficult words translated (“radioisotope”, for example) I’m sure I can find out for you 🙂

    • Molly May 20, 2010 at 3:47 am #

      Mr. Kerry,
      Can you please find out how to say “We will give you 10 radioisotopes in exchange for not poisoning us” and “Please give me the recipe for this Borscht, it is delicious”.

    • Claire May 20, 2010 at 3:51 am #

      I want to learn how to say “Yes, Mr. Putin. I think your biceps are very nice. Please to not send me to a gulag.”

      • Molly May 20, 2010 at 3:59 am #

        what about ME?!

      • Claire May 20, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

        You need to learn to say “I don’t want to go to the gulag either!”

  3. mazz May 21, 2010 at 2:56 pm #

    are you two going to put back all the books and my SERBIAN dolls at some point? grrrrreat thanks.

    • Molly May 21, 2010 at 7:51 pm #


  4. Daniel May 28, 2010 at 4:19 pm #

    Being Russian also allows you to be really blunt. Whereas when you try to get away with that just using a Russian accent you only amuse your friends (and potentially offend the Katya).


  1. Khaki is Backi « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - May 20, 2010

    […] That’s all.  Back to Russia! […]

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