This Week in Janice: Mazall meets Claire’s Mom

31 Mar

This post is dictated by Mazall but typed by Claire.

So I went to visit my sister in Chicago last weekend. Obviously I had to meet Janice. First, she said she wanted to go to this restaurant called the Bourgeoisie Pig but then changed her mind and said she wanted to go to this place where she frequently “lunches.” Oddly, the place where she “lunches” is not open for lunch.

So we went to the Bourgeoise Pig after all. Janice picked me up in her Buick. She was wearing a pink shirt, sunglasses with rhinestones and a mink coat. We got to the restaurant and the place was packed. She told me to run upstairs with my “young legs” and see if any tables were open on the second floor. They were all taken. So we ordered sandwiches and ate in her car.  Also, we smoked cigarettes.
We talked about men.  Janice said I need at least three boyfriends at all times.  I need a regular boyfriend and two “back-up boyfriends.” She extolled the virtues of the back-up boyfriend. Apparently she had married hers.

Editors note: And then divorced him.

She thinks my roommates should “accidentally” confuse my boyfriends with each other. When I bring Ed home to meet them, they’re supposed to call him Brian. “Oh, this isn’t Brian?” They’re supposed to say. “Sorry, my mistake.”

Janice also told me about how she used to be an apartment building landlord in the 1970s. She got death threats and owned a Doberman. Claire used to take acting lessons when she was little.

Mazall met Janice and you didn't

Editor’s note: Yes I did.

But then she quit.

Editor’s note: Yes I did.

Janice carried three packs of Marlboros and has a twangy Southern accent. I wasn’t expecting that. If I had to sum up my luncheon with Janice in one word, I would say: ……Informative?


5 Responses to “This Week in Janice: Mazall meets Claire’s Mom”

  1. Cara March 31, 2010 at 2:50 am #

    I want to have lunch with Janice! Wait, this could be the new tourist attraction in Chicago for people who have heard Claire’s mom-stories all these years!

  2. Molly March 31, 2010 at 2:55 am #

    Claire’s explanation on quitting acting (sometimes she forgets I actually listen. And remember.):
    “So, I really just wanted to be a movie star. Then I realized you had to learn how to act, etc. Plus the drama kids were weird. So I stopped.”

  3. Claire March 31, 2010 at 2:56 am #

    True story.

  4. menelaos March 31, 2010 at 3:21 am #

    I think Janice should come to New York.

  5. Daniel March 31, 2010 at 8:16 pm #

    This is like a celerity sighting.

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