Fuse’s Sexy Fail

28 Feb

In between being very social and also very productive today, we somehow found the time to watch Fuse’s 40 Sexiest Music Videos.  Hmmm.  Anyway, after a random sampling, we felt the need to blog about their video selection. Something is very, very wrong at Fuse. One of three things is happening here.

1. No one watched these videos before they aired.

2.  Fuse only owns the rights to, like, 60 music videos, so they had limited options.

3.  The definition of “sexy” has recently changed and no one bothered to tell us.

When we first started watching the show, Fionna Apple’s Criminal was on, in the #19 spot.  “Nice,” thought we.  “This is definitely one of the sexiest music videos.”  We prepared for some serious action.  And then the next one was Miss Independent by Ne-Yo.  There’s nothing wrong with the video and we like his hat, it just isn’t one of the SEXIEST VIDEOS EVER.  Which, I think, is the point here?  No one’s condoning overly-sexy music videos, not at all.  But if you are going to do a countdown, do a countdown.  And nothing by John Mayer should be on it.  Here’s our breakdown of what we saw, and what sexy means according to Fuse.

#19  Fionna Apple – Criminal
Okay, they are 1 for 1. This is going to be good.

#18  Neo – Miss Independent
Never mind.  Apparently, sexy = Office flirtation and female bosses?

#17  Nelly Furtado – Promiscuous Girl
Sexy = bootcut jeans; midriffs; da club.

#16 Kings of Leon – Your Sex is on Fire
Sexy = Writhing lead singer on bed for a few seconds; word sex in the title.
Claire: Also, this song title makes me think of STDs

#15  No Doubt – Underneath it all
Sexy = Gwen on different beds; trippy bike riding; intergalactic moments of self-discovery. Ehhh.

#14 John Mayer – Your Body is a Wonderland
Sexy = John Mayer’s Parkinson’s disease-style guitar-playing.  In other words, no.

#13  Lady Gaga – Love Stick
Fuse is now 2 for 7.  This meets our sexy requirements.  If you disagree, Mazall will fight you.

#12 Pussycat Dolls – I Hate This Part
Claire: Why? Because it sounds so bad?
Sexy = Lots of women; grinding on a piano in the desert with a butterfly on your wrist (perhaps symbolic of Freud’s Madonna-whore complex?).

#11  Maroon 5 – Doesn’t matter which song because they all sound the same
Why are they on this list?

#10  Pink – Sober
Sexy = goths; bras; making out with yourself; crawling in the leaves.
Might be sexy if it were someone else, buuuuut it’s Pink.

#9 Black Eyed Peas – I Got a Feeling
PASS.

#8.  D’Angelo – Voodoo
Sexy = Standing with your shirt off; close-ups of belly button and corn rows; not singing.
*To be fair, after about two minutes, Mazall’s eyes are glued to the TV and she says she “gets it.”

#7 Ciara/Justin Timberlake – Sex Love Magic
Sexy = This video. They are officially 3 for 13 now.

#6  Shakira – She Wolf
Shakira in a cage?  4 for 14.
Claire: I really like her butt

#5  Jeremiah – Birthday Sex
Sexy apparently = Strawberries, blueberries, cherries; eating said fruit blindfolded.
Claire:  This is just some man’s fantasy
Mazall: Yeah, this is retarded.

#4 Rihanna – Disturbia
Sexy = Freaking out on a bed frame; hunchback pirates; general madness while scantily clad; fans.
Molly to Mazall:  Is it sexy yet?
Mazall:  No.
Claire:  I like the eye makeup.

#3 Justin Timberlake – Sexyback
What sexy IS:  This song.
What sexy IS NOT:  Claire singing the “take me to the bridge” part.
5 for 17

#2 Beyonce – Single Ladies
This video is so sexy we don’t even care that one of the dancers is a dude.
Mazall:  I like how they all kinda jiggle.
Claire:  Can we have a dance party?
Mazall:  Yeah! Let’s clean in heels!
Molly: Everything’s better in heels.  Except falling down the stairs at work.

(The Mom part of me would like to point out how sexy this and Sexyback are WITHOUT there being any sex.)

WHAT WILL THE MOST SEXY VIDEO EVER BE?!?!?!?!?

Our guesses:

Claire – Dirrrrty by Christina Aguelera
Molly – At the rate they are going, probably Dave Matthews?
Mazall – Brittney Spears.

Um…

#1 Chris Isaak – Wicked Game
Yeah.  That’s what we thought.
But then we watched the video.

Whew.  Well that was fun.  Time to go work out.

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9 Responses to “Fuse’s Sexy Fail”

  1. Cara March 1, 2010 at 1:02 am #

    I have always thought the Chris Isaak video was the hottest video ever. Even when I first saw it in 1989 – you know, well before the whole sex thing was a part of my life…

    And I watched the Shakira video with a guy once and can confirm its sex-appeal – for both genders. I could say more, but, well, this is the internet. And my mom might read this.

    • Claire March 1, 2010 at 1:08 am #

      Scandalous!

  2. mazz March 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm #

    mmmm ciara and jt. *droooooooool* ( i can’t decide which of the two of them i like more)

  3. menelaos March 1, 2010 at 3:58 pm #

    After finding the list of #’s 40 through 20, my thoughts are:

    – Christina Agulera’s sexiest video is Aint No Other Man, not Dirrty
    – Britney Spears’ is Toxic, not I’m a Slave 4 U
    – Jennifer Lopez’s song was probably right (they picked Love Don’t Cost a Thing) but I think Play and Jenny From the Block are sexier than most of the other videos that made the list
    – any video with Mariah Carey in it is… awesome

    I guess what I’m saying is that #1, 2 & 3 are right, and then any combination of Mariah, Cristina, Britney, Lopez, Gaga would have been fine after that. These other videos might be on the list but the top 10 could have been much better composed.

    I don’t think a sexier video can be made than Wicked Game. Thank you Helena Christensen.

  4. Marc March 1, 2010 at 10:54 pm #

    Nothing is sexy about Lady Gaga. Nothing. Mazall and I can duke it out when I visit next.

    • mazz March 2, 2010 at 3:12 pm #

      bring. it. on.

  5. the other claire March 2, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    I remember watching Wicked Game KNOWING my parents would kick my ass if they caught me, because of the content and most importantly because it was on MTV…which was off limits.

  6. Daniel March 2, 2010 at 6:50 pm #

    What? Were there no sexy songs before 1989?

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. For Orchestra! » For Orchestra #38 Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ - May 28, 2010

    […] From her 4th album, this piece creates an uncertainty and stresses these emotions, and I wanted to capture that within this arrangement. There are two strong actions that had to come to life here: the ‘taste of your lips’, and ‘uncertainty’. The trumpets supply the percussive power, while the violins create a beautiful lush undertone. I decided on less vibraphone than usual, because it’s difficult to make it sound ’sexy’, and I wanted to capture the infamous Britney. […]

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