A Very Thanksgiving Either/Or

25 Nov
Marc treats historical artifacts with respect

Marc treats historical artifacts with respect

Greetings from La Guardia airport! Your highly esteemed (ok, ridiculed) co-blogger is sitting on the floor with her dog and her laptop, bored and cranky because her flight has been delayed two hours due to, get this, the anticipation of rain. Not even real rain. What the hell is that? The airlines aren’t even trying anymore.

I just watched a small child drop a piece of cheese on the airport floor, pick it up and then feed it to her father. Ew.

In honor of this ridiculous travel holiday and the highly caloric meal that follows it, Marc has agreed to do a Thanksgiving-themed Either/Or. I provide the subjects, he makes hasty and uninformed opinions. Everybody wins. Well, except the Indians.

Buckles on Hats vs. Buckles on Shoes

Buckles on hats are nice, but are they anything more than a passing fad among a group of uptight Puritans? Is that who I want to be associated with? Absolutely not. Buckles on shoes, on the other hand, have been around for centuries, maybe more. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Jesus had buckles on his sandals. They are timeless and practical. Putting metal on your hat isn’t practical. It’s just the fast track to getting struck by lightning.

Smallpox Blankets vs. Sending Everyone to a Reservation

Well, ignoring the white elephant of abject genocide, I’m going to go with sending everyone to a reservation. If you’re trying to contain a population, smallpox just isn’t the way to go. It may be confined to a few blankets at first, but you never know how fast the disease is going to spread. You could end up taking out your allies and trading partners. It might even spread to YOU. A reservation allows you to keep track of where everyone is and what they’re doing. You can encourage them to farm the stony rocks you’ve given them, or produce casinos for their benefit and your debauchery. I’d rather be an imperialist jackass than a murderer.

Thanksgiving Dinner vs. Leftovers

I’m going to wager that, like me, every one of you has thought about this question before. Dozens of times. You probably haven’t come to a clear conclusion, so I’ll save you the trouble. It’s Thanksgiving dinner.

The thing about leftovers is that they’re great, but they’re really all about one thing: that giant, amazing turkey sandwich. And man, it is ever amazing.  You pile on that cold turkey, throw some dressing or cranberry sauce on it, toss it between a big Kaiser roll and you’re stuffed for hours. It’s great.

But look, at the dinner not only do you have the turkey and the sauce, you also have all the amazing sides. Mashed potatoes, corn, fill-in-the-blank casserole and fresh rolls. That’s the kicker right there, isn’t it? Sure, you have the sides with the leftovers but they’re not fresh. Everything is fresh at Thanksgiving dinner, especially the rolls. Not to mention that after dinner you’re probably heading for the absolute King of Naps, the post-Thanksgiving slumber. To put the nail in the coffin, what night did we all hate as children? Leftover night. Check and mate.

Gelatinous Cranberry Sauce vs. The Kind With Real Cranberries in It

There is something inherently amusing about a cranberry sauce that comes out of the can in a solid, gelatinous cylinder. There is also something inherently disgusting about that. I generally don’t like my sauces to involve jiggling, so I’m going to go with the real thing here.

Note from Claire: False. Gelatinous is better, especially when it slides out of the can as one solid mass: Thhhwwuuuk!

Thanksgiving Football vs. Thanksgiving Movies

Ignoring the fact that you can do both of these quite easily (that’s what she said!), if I had to pick I would go with the football. Yes, Thanksgiving movies are typically a fun, family outing. You still have to deal with traffic, parking and all the other families that are going to see the exact same movie. You will inevitably struggle to find seating together. And if you blunder into picking the wrong movie, well shit. You’ve just wasted 2-3 hours of your life and $8 that could have bought booze.

Thanksgiving football almost always involves a horrid game played by the Lions, a mediocre game played by the Cowboys and a wildcard. And you have the option to take the best nap of the year at any time, something your movie cannot offer you. I’m going with sports and naps.

Black Friday vs. Black Tuesday

One of these is the death of fun, the other is the fun death. There’s a surprisingly small amount of difference between the two. Each mass hysteria, loads of money exchanging hands and at the end of the day the loss of most of your savings. The bonus to Black Friday is that you’re killing on the ridiculous sales, and most likely someone is buying YOU presents. The bonus to Black Tuesday is…well there aren’t any bonuses. That was the whole point; everyone lost all their money. Black Friday wins.


Growing Corn vs. Starvation

Remember Bubba, from Forest Gump? That’s me, except with corn instead of shrimp. Also, I’m white and I didn’t die in ‘Nam, but details. If you didn’t know, corn is god’s food. There’s cornbread, corn on the cob, creamed corn, corn chowder, corn syrup, popcorn, candy corn and dozens of other concoctions. There are ways to prepare corn that I don’t even know about. Hell, you can even power your car on it. If you were starving, and all you had was a boatload of corn, you could turn it all into ethanol and drive yourself to a grocery store. It’s simply amazing.

Pumpkin Poo jokes vs. Turkey Breast Jokes

This photo was sent to us by Janice

This photo was sent to us by Janice

Case closed.

Christmas Decorations in October vs. People Who Don’t Like Christmas

Ugh. Putting up Christmas decorations pre-Halloween is an absolute joke. First of all, it completely overshadows and disrespects All Hallows’ Eve—or Candy Day as it is more widely known. Secondly, you still have Thanksgiving to contend with. And finally, it makes you think about having to go shopping for Christmas presents. I do not want to think about that in October. I want to think about football, eating candy and delicious holiday pies.

People who don’t like Christmas: The Grinch, Ebenezer Scrooge, Mr. Potter and the Jews. One guy loves dogs and ends up saving Christmas; one guy is massively wealthy and ends up saving Christmas; one guy is just massively wealthy; and the Jews, well, they love presents so much that they have eight days of them instead of just one. Even the people who don’t like Christmas actually like Christmas. I’m going with them.

Dying on Thanksgiving Because You Choked on a Turkey Bone vs. Dying on Thanksgiving Because You Were Attacked by a Balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

Wow.

I’d like to think that choking on the turkey bone means I have already enjoyed a delicious meal and am polishing off the turkey by ripping apart the bone like a greedy dog. I’d also like to think that being attacked by a balloon means I am in the parade, like Mr. Pitt in Seinfeld. That would certainly be very exciting. I don’t know these things, though. What I do know is that my death by turkey bone would ruin Thanksgiving for my whole family, and that’s simply not fair to them. If I were killed by a Macy’s balloon however, it would be immediate national news. I would live in infamy, and might even usurp the name “Balloon Boy”. Or even better, some people would think the real Balloon Boy was the one who died. I can already picture the Time cover with a deflated balloon, my legs sticking out and a “WHOSE FAULT IS IT?” headline. This is just too good.

Thanksgiving with Marc’s Dad vs. Thanksgiving with Janice

This one needs a brief preface. We all know about Janice and her wonderfully endearing, quirky ways. What we don’t know is that my father, in many ways, is just as quirky and bizarre as Claire’s mother. He once washed his shoes accidentally, then continued to wear them even though they had shrunk an entire size. He once added a cell phone on his plan and mailed it to my brother, so that he could talk to him for free. This is the man that asked me if he could take cough syrup for his cold, despite the fact that the bottle in question was not cough syrup, and it was 16 years expired. Needless to say, he’s an odd cat.

That said, around Thanksgiving, my dad is fairly normal. He smokes a good Turkey, talks his way into doing nothing and eventually takes a nap. Pretty standard fare. In Janice’s corner we have the fact that she just recently sent Claire a recipe that turns your Turkey into boobies. I’m going with Janice.

Advertisements

4 Responses to “A Very Thanksgiving Either/Or”

  1. molly November 26, 2009 at 4:15 pm #

    The key to getting Gelatinous Cranberry Sauce to come out in one large “log” is to open the can from the bottom. Or maybe everyone knows that already.

    Also, I have never tried cranberry sauce. Ever.

    • Claire November 26, 2009 at 11:53 pm #

      why? it’s one of the best parts!

      • molly November 27, 2009 at 6:38 pm #

        okay I tried it yesterday for you. Ew.

      • Marc November 27, 2009 at 7:41 pm #

        Molly, you’re a disgrace.

Go ahead, say it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: