Tyler’s Guide to Surving a Zombie Invasion

30 Oct

Not by me, by any means.

By Tyler Hartsook.

With All Hallows’ Eve looming over us, I find myself in the midst of annual research on a subject very important to me: How does one survive the inevitable zombie attack?

Now, the key to survival in any situation is preparation. The better prepared you are, the greater your chances of survival. While preemptively bricking up your windows and stockpiling food and water in your basement might be a bit extreme, there are some pretty standard rules I have picked up along the way (i.e. countless hours of zombie b-movies) that will help increase your survival rate. If you follow just these four simple rules you will outlast most other potential zombie food. To all of you who think my fear of zombies is completely irrational, keep one thing in mind: most of the people that die in the beginning of zombie movies felt the same way. With that being said, here is what I have learned in my years of prepping for a battle with the undead.

Cardio – The most important thing if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse is to be in good shape. While it is debatable whether zombies move slowly (because of their limited brain functions) or at an extremely rapid pace (because they cannot feel that their bodies are getting tired), being in excellent shape is one thing that is not up for debate. If zombies take over oil and gas, those reserves will eventually run dry with no one to replenish them. This will force people to walk to their destinations and bicycles will once again be a legitimate mode of transportation (Zombie Gore will be thrilled). Both of these modes of transportation require peak physical condition. How many large people do you see making it in most zombie movies? Not many.

(Sidenote: This is why I am against neutering dogs. Who cares if the earth gets overrun with dogs? Would this be a bad thing? They would form packs and hunt, and their targets would be fat humans. If you worried about being attacked by animals attacking you every time you left your house, you would probably stay in slightly better shape.)

Always Aim for the Head – Zombies require brain function to cease before they will die. You can hit them or shoot them anywhere else to slow them down, but to finish the job you have to go for the head. Also heed the advice from Zombieland and always make sure they are dead. It’s better to use an extra bullet to ensure your survival than watch your thigh become someone’s midday snack. Of course, you may have a limited number of bullets, so if you can use anything besides a gun definitely do so. Plus you always want to have at least one bullet for yourself. JIC.

Buddy System – Stay with a group. More people mean more eyes watching out for each other. This is a basic survival technique. The debate on the buddy system centers around whether it’s better to a) have a top notch group or b) have a few stragglers in the group. If you’re forced to run and you have a few people in the group who cannot move rapidly enough to escape, they become sacrificial lambs and increase your odds of survival. The mistake most groups make is becoming too attached. Whether it’s your wife of 10 years or some cutie you now have a newly-formed bond with, you have to be able to ditch your loved one once she has been bitten. She won’t be the same person you once knew, so say your goodbyes and put one in her head. It won’t be easy to deal with, but at least she won’t be around to kill you later.

Have a Plan
– You can stockpile and stay home or try to make it to potentially safer ground. Home is safe and familiar, but has very limited long-term potential, too many accessible windows and you could be cornered in by its limited exit points. Personally, I plan on forming a group and making it to the closest Wal-Mart/Target/Costco. It’s a survivor’s paradise. Food, guns, ammo, sporting equipment to stay in shape, plenty of things do to stay sane and–most importantly–limited entry points. There are generally just four glassed entrances to a Wal-Mart, and half of those are protected by dual panes of glass with a security gate that can be brought down. Finally, you can also notify possible armed forces by writing “HELP” on the roof. The only drawback to the Wal-Mart plan is that most zombies will also go to familiar places (malls, grocery stores, etc) and we all know America is obsessed with Wal-Mart.

A Wal-Mart/Target/Costco in Hawaii would be the ideal situation. You have a limited amount of zombies to begin with, and there won’t be any more coming your way since, as far as my research shows, zombies can’t swim. I also have a theory on zombies not surviving in cold weather at high altitudes, but as of now I have nothing to back this theory up. Please don’t curse my name if you attempt this unsuccessfully.

So there it is, ladies and gents. Keep in mind this is a generic list, and mainly geared to my personal escape route. You will want to take this and adapt it to your current surroundings. I suggest figuring out your plan, driving it to determine the distance (if you have to make it by foot) and time it takes you to get there. Stay safe out there on this “National Dress Like a Naughty Version of What You’re Supposed to Be” Day. Hopefully I’ll hear from you all on Sunday. If not ill be 3.2 miles down the road at Wal-Mart, stockpiling guns.


9 Responses to “Tyler’s Guide to Surving a Zombie Invasion”

  1. Molly October 30, 2009 at 3:09 pm #

    Molly: So funny that guys think about these things
    Claire: girls: “why hasn’t he called me?”
    guys: “how would i fend off a zombie?”

    • holly December 20, 2009 at 1:09 am #

      my friend and i ashlee think abuot this all the time we have a plan guys can get fucked they’re all be dead at the invasion claire fuck u and molly

  2. Drewpreme October 30, 2009 at 3:38 pm #

    I will follow suit to these instructions, and as long I’m not offered up as the sacrificial “First Negroe To Die” like in most (all) horror flicks, we’re good money.

    I’m also trying to apply these rules to a real world scenario like Mike Jax (RIP) “Thriller” video.

  3. Marc October 30, 2009 at 4:20 pm #

    On the last point, I’m actually against going to one of the supermarts, mainly because this is what most people are going to do. You’ll end up trapped in a huge crowd with a far greater chance of running out of food. And if Zombies happen to break in it seems more likely that they can pick off a few idiots, and then you’ve got an outbreak on your hands.
    Myself, I have picked out a restaurant near a sporting goods store (guns) that has minimal windows and entry points. I can quickly load up on guns, hole up there with a few friends and family and have plenty of food and water.

    Also, my general rule is that on that fare day where I wake up and the TV has gone to static, everyone I know gets one call. You don’t answer then you’re on your own.

  4. mazall October 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm #

    well i don’t know about you guys, but i’m printing this guide out and hanging it
    over my bed. sleep osmosis. (if anyone makes a crack about toe nail polish you will be smacked)

    • Drewpreme October 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm #

      It would make for good coverage…


      • Molly October 30, 2009 at 5:44 pm #


  5. menelaos October 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

    At first I was like… I don’t think about this kind of stuff! But then I distinctly remember a detailed and serious conversation with my father about why we should build the house on the top of the hill so if we were invaded we would have a strategic advantage of firing downhill at the enemy… his idea but I saw the logic and agreed. So yeah, zombies or invasions from something or another is definitely a Y-chromosome thing.

    • Molly October 30, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

      This is why I love Evan.

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