Friends Don’t Let Friends Get Bullied By Bikers

9 Oct
The victim, Claire H., circa 2009

The victim, Claire H., circa 2009


NEW YORK, NY — A twenty-six-year-old woman was yelled at and assaulted by a bicycle messenger on the Lower East Side of Manhattan this morning, at approximately 8:40 A.M.

The victim, Claire H., was standing on the corner of Clinton and Houston, waiting to cross the street, when a biker approached her. The biker, who has yet to be identified by the authorities, yelled at her for standing in the bike lane and proceeded to pour his scalding hot coffee all over her.

“I’m fuming,” said Ms. H, who was visibly upset, wet, and unaware of her pun. Ms. H described her assailant as black and in his late twenties or thirties. His hair was in dreadlocks and he was wearing spandex. “And probably a lot of bandannas around his wrist,” added Ms. H.

She screamed at him as he rode off, and then surveyed the damage.

“I was covered all over my jeans and shoes, and [there was] some on my shirt. I smelled like pure coffee, and still do,” said Ms. H. The biker prefers his coffee with both cream and sugar. “I was really sticky.”

Ms. H is the first in what will surely be a string of caffeine-plus-biking-related incidents, so pedestrians are urged to be aware and prepared.

“I wish I had catlike reflexes so I could have pushed his rasta ass off the bike,” she said.

Despite the near-death experience, Ms. H is hesitant to blame the incident on her new neighborhood, the often-edgy and ill-tempered Lower East Side.

I mean, [the biker] was probably getting off the Williamsburg Bridge,” she said.

“Brooklyn,” quipped her friend Molly. “I knew it.”

Molly, a legendary local artist, quickly sketched a picture of Ms. H’s attacker based on the details she provided.

UM, OH MY GOD, THAT’S HIM!!!” Ms. H screamed.

The picture is below. Please contact your local authorities if you have any information on the biker’s whereabouts.



3 Responses to “Friends Don’t Let Friends Get Bullied By Bikers”

  1. Molly October 9, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

    Please note: Claire H. is not the blogger Claire. She is the OC (the “other Claire”).

  2. Marc October 9, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    Please note: Judging by your drawing, the culprit in question was either spraying mace, or bumblebees. I’m not sure which.

    • Molly October 14, 2009 at 1:21 pm #

      Bumblebee mace!

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