SPORTS! Oh, and Marc.

15 Jul
Marc likes Sports.

Marc likes Sports.

These are the things I would seamlessly weave into a witty introduction if I had time: How much I love the New York New York Sports Sports commercials from SNY. That Obama pitches better than most Braves starters. FOX Sportscaster Tim McCarver released an album of lounge music and this guy has a very funny blog about it. Marc’s Star Trek post has gotten more hits than any of mine or Claire’s because creepy guys keep asking Google for Seven of Nine pictures and ours shows up. Oh, and Jeff Francoeur broke my heart.

But I’m hoping Marc’s answers to my questions will make me feel better…

American League or National League?

Marc: I don’t care how many All-Star Games the AL wins, I am staunchly opposed to that garbage league on general principle. The DH is one of the most absurd rules in sports. In baseball if you play in the field, you bat. It’s that simple. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adding some silly new position in the 1970s doesn’t make it right. Getting a free pass to be terrible at defense or hitting is unamerican. And don’t bother going on about how it’s bad baseball to watch pitchers flailing around at the plate like poor t-ball players. That’s the fault of the pitcher, not the National League. You know who was a pitcher? Babe Ruth. He could hit pretty well, or so I hear. I also have to point out that the number of despicable teams is far greater in the AL. The Yankees (Molly’s note: ugh), Red Sox, DEVIL Rays, Athletics and White Sox particularly can go screw themselves. I’ll go with the Senior Circuit.

NASCAR vs. Major League Soccer

Marc: Let me begin by saying that I love the futbol. I think the World Cup is the greatest sporting event in the world, watch the Premier League on a regular basis, and follow the U.S. Men’s National Team with religious zealotry. But I can’t watch the MLS. It is horrible. Even David Beckham could only stomach it for a few months before getting loaned to a real club, and he was getting paid tens of millions of dollars to do so. Watching a dozen preschoolers collectively attack a soccer ball in a big lump is far more entertaining then a riveting Galaxy/Crew match. Also, there are teams called the Galaxy and the Crew. Really, MLS? Really?
That said I would still rather watch the MLS over a bunch of cars driving in a circle for hours at a time. One, that’s boring. Two, that’s boring. Three, have you seen the people? My God. If I want confederate flags and Busch Lite I’ll go to a Tennessee frat party. To further my point, I present a few excerpts from a conversation with my friend Chelsea, who attended a NASCAR race in Chicago last Saturday.
Chelsea: around 3pm, you still can’t find a full set of nice looking teeth
Chelsea: i saw a standard hillbilly female
Chelsea: obese, most of the weight around her belly, with a gold tooth as one of her front teeth
Chelsea: i saw a woman yesterday who was wearing a shirt that said “did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?”
Chelsea: and her son was also obese, with a mullet mohawk
Chelsea: down to like the middle of his BACK

These are not the kind of people I want to associate with. Soccer fans wear flags as capes. WAY better than back mullhawks.

Tiger vs. Phil

Marc: I don’t play or watch golf, so I have a hard time judging this one. The only things I really know about these guys is that Tiger is mostly amazing and Phil is fat and he chokes all the time. Some people like Phil though, so there must be something to him. What I will say is that Tiger has the most incredibly tailored pants you will ever see and has a super hot wife. So I’ll say he wins.

I'd say she wins.

I'd say she wins.

Would you rather pitch a no-hitter or hit for the cycle?
Marc: This is a good question (Molly’s note: duh.) as both of these accomplishments rank high on the scale of general badassery. If you’re going to throw a no-hitter you not only have to be flawless, you’re also going to need flawless defense and serious help from the no-hitter jinx. Inevitably some clown on ESPN is going to breaking news your ass in the 5th inning and screw your no-hitter up with a jinxed bloop single, post-haste. Getting out of that jam is serious business. Hitting for the cycle though, this takes baseball skills to the max. You need power, speed, average, the whole package. And you’re probably driving in multiple runs, just for good measure. Some say hitting a 90 mph pitch is the hardest thing in sports. Doing it four times in a game, all in the different ways, is probably the hardest task in the world. Hitting over pitching.

Miracle on Ice vs. Miracle on the Hudson vs. Miracle on 34th street

Marc: Let’s start with the Miracle on 34th Street. This is a veritable Christmas classic, filled with good cheer, warm feelings, all that fuzzy crap. It’s hurt though by the fact that it’s not real, and they made a terrible remake starring the billionaire who built that dangerous Jurassic Park. Bad form. Next up is Miracle on the Hudson, which is obviously awesome. Landing a plane on water, keeping everyone alive and saving all the luggage is an impressive feat. What are we defeating here though? Birds? Water? Well, the Miracle on Ice basically defeated the Soviet Union. The whole collapse started when they realized they couldn’t even win at their own game. If they couldn’t do that, how could they beat us at our games of making war and money? Not to mention it’s perhaps the greatest sports upset of all time, a top U-S-A moment, a top broadcasting moment, so on and so forth. Communism loses, hockey wins.

Kobe or Lebron?

Marc: Well, Lebron hasn’t raped anyone yet, so that’s a point in his favor. He also hasn’t had an entire book written by his coach about how much of a mangina he is. Come to think of it, no one has really spoken badly about Lebron while Kobe’s whole team openly hates him. I think the only thing Kobe has going for him is his one post-Shaq championship ring. Of course give Lebron a hall of fame coach over Al Roker and that could easily be reversed. We are all witnesses to King James.

Horse-Racin’ vs. Dog-Fightin’

Marc: Well this is pretty one sided. Dog fighting is cruel, terrifying and a good way to end your career as a professional athlete. At least until November when the Raiders decide they need a new quarterback. Horse racing on the other hand is mostly awesome. It involves three of the better things in life; drinking, gambling and hats. Some people think it’s cruel to race horses, but some people are idiots. I think it’s far worse how we’ve enslaved the Leprechauns to ride the horses. Regardless, dog fighting gets you prison time, horse racing gets you class, and potentially enormous gambling debts/winnings. Obvious win for the ponies.

Tonya Harding vs. Nancy Kerrigan

Marc: Interesting question. On the surface Kerrigan wins this one. Harding tried to crush her knee cap and Kerrigan managed not only to skate in the Olympics but won a silver medal for good measure. Impressive. Let’s dig deeper though. Kerrigan had giant horse teeth, her appearance on Saturday Night Live was legendarily bad and since then she has completely disappeared from the planet. She could be dead for all I know. Harding not only skated in the Olympics after trying to have a teammate’s knee crushed, she has also managed to keep herself in the news with a smattering of bizarre and unpleasant stunts ranging from celebrity boxing to porn. I give this white trash failure big points for capitalizing on a very awkward figure skating career and turning it into long term fame and pop culture relevance. Living in infamy is better than not living at all.

Reggie Miller vs. Spike Lee

I’m pretty sure Reggie settled this matter in 1994 when he drained every shot he made and gave Spike the choke sign, but nevertheless…The thing about Reggie Miller is that I don’t like him at all. As a Bulls fan I had to put up with his antics way too often. I at least respect the guy though. Unlike many players of that era he was never intimidated by Jordan and relished the big moment like no one else. Spike Lee? That guy is a clown. He bitches about everything all the time, is overrated as a director and is a complete poser as a Knicks fan. He’s been sighted at numerous Lakers games in recent years, actively rooting for those asshats. Sports bigomy is a sin in my book. I’m going with Reggie.

Manny being Manny vs. Manny being Bonds

Marc: The thing about Manny being Bonds is that it is still Manny being Manny. I don’t think he had any idea what he was doing. Manny’s reputation has always been not caring about organized baseball. In his dream world, he’d do nothing but show up to the ballpark in time for his first at bat, take naps during the game and never play in the field. He doesn’t care about stats and wins and home run races; he just wants to swing a stick at a ball. He’s like an overgrown child. And an overgrown child probably would think that steroids was some kind of delicious candy, like Big League Chew. There was no nefarious scheme there; Manny was just being Manny. That is to say, an idiot. I for one am glad this idiot is back. (Molly’s note: I’m confused. Did he answer the question?)

Billy Beane vs. Billy Haywood (Molly’s Note: I am most proud of this question. Only two of you will get it)

Marc: Moneyball vs. Billyball, the epic showdown. I’m not a big Billy Beane fan. To some degree he is an evil genius who has swindled nearly every team in the league at some point. To another degree he’s a failure of a GM who has accomplished nothing in the postseason and spends his time trading for prospects, trading those prospects for even more prospects, resulting in perpetual prospect-laden teams that win 90 games but are unable to break through in October. Bill Haywood, this guy had a baseball almanac for a brain and used it to guide an obviously inferior Twins club to the brink of the postseason. Flipping Timothy Busfield was anchoring the heart of their lineup. A team batting Lou Collins third shouldn’t win more than 60 games, tops. Need I mention his brilliant motivation of Mike McGrevey and his clever use of trick plays? Honestly, I’d rather have this guy manage my team than some of the jokers in the league today. Twinkies over Jokeland.

My First Crush

My First Crush


25 Responses to “SPORTS! Oh, and Marc.”

  1. mazall July 15, 2009 at 9:15 pm #

    ugh, sports, sports, sports, sports, girl in bikini, sports, sports. NEXT.

    • Molly July 15, 2009 at 9:45 pm #

      you are hopeless

  2. Drewpreme July 15, 2009 at 9:58 pm #


    (Be cool people – This is a good thing. Its a celebratory gesture…)

    Money Marc… I like your style on this… I’m in agreement with 10/11… My only break from you is I’d rather throw the No-Hitter. The No-No is complete ownage (pwnage for you netsavvy folk) of another team. You’ve completely nullified the other team’s entire purpose for showing up, and its done by your hand. I find the cycle semi-limiting. Lets say you have all but a double. Do you stop on a potential triple just to get the cycle? Quite the dilemma… Its like Ricky Davis missing and rebounding his own shot to get a triple-double (which I think is one of the more underrated achievements in sport)

    These are great Q’s by the way. Harding does rule over Kerrigan. Yonnie Hards skated on gold blades, was a ride or die chick, and had a little skater’s donk, before she got all NASCARy (or NASCARY! Call the trademark lawyer!). I respected her gangster. All Nancy Pants did was yell “WHY!!!!!! WHY!!!” something me and my cousin still mock to this day.

    Also thank you for mentioning Spike Lee’s (aka “The Cricket”) duplicity with NBA teams. YOU WILL NEVER SEE NICHOLSON DOING THAT AT THE GARDEN!!! I thought I would never find someone that I could hate more than Reggie (Bib Fortuna) Miller especially after he shut Spike de’fuq up scoring God knows what in God knows how many seconds to beat the Knicks AT THE GARDEN. But Spike swinging from Kobe’s jock, as well as being a surly bastard the last three times I spoke to him at events – Reggie for the win. I truly hope LeBron shuns him when he becomes a Knick next year…

    *awaits Sookie’s comments*

    • Drewpreme July 15, 2009 at 10:47 pm #

      PS – Also you can hit for the cycle and still lose the game… No-No for the win!!!

  3. Sookie July 15, 2009 at 10:38 pm #

    First off I will continue to beat Molly on her complete abandonment of her “team”. First she could only name 2 current starters, and then her comment in the opening paragraph about the Braves pitching staff. Sorry Molly but if you actually loved your “team” as you claim (and yell at me on the regularly for loving the Sox more) you would know that the Braves are currently a top 5 pitching staff, and thats pretty much with out a sure fire #1 guy.

    Now onto Marc…Im with Drew. I feel throwing a N0-No is much more impressive than hitting for the cycle. How many Hall of Fame mentions are there for the cycle? I dont think Ive ever heard anyone mention as merit for the Hall. In addition have you ever seen anyone avoided by their team so as to not jinx them only needing a double for the cycle? Or anyone mobbed by teammates after completing it? I havent.

    Finally I also agree and disagree with the Battle of the Billy’s. I will start this by saying I can not say much bad about Beane as if not for him the Sox wouldnt have Theo. Without Theo they arguably wouldnt have made 4 of the last 5 ALCS and won 2 rings (I can hear Mollys “ugh” from here). I have a sense of astonishment and frustration with Billy Beane. He would be the ultimate long term owner fantasy baseball GM. He always swindles people and gets players for cheap. However his team never really finishes anywhere. Always just good enough that the fanbase believes, but never close enough to think they can do much more than a Wild Card game. If I was an A’s fan I would totally hate him I think.

    Sidenote: I believe Reggie Miller to be in my top 3 players of all time. Its impossible for me to name a #1 (leaning towards Basketball Jesus), but I always get looks when I mention Reggie. His 8 points in 9 seconds was one of the most remarkable things Ive ever seen. As a Bulls fan I can understand your hatred for him, but also respect your respect of his game. If my life was on the line with 1 shot to go I cant think of anyone else I’d rather have the ball

    • molly July 15, 2009 at 10:43 pm #

      Eventually I named them all! Plus, I think the fact that I named a bunch of guys who don’t even play for us anymore shows what a revolving door the club has become.

  4. Jacob July 15, 2009 at 10:45 pm #

    that play they get Ken Griffey Jr. out with is a balk.

    • Marc July 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm #

      Debatable. It’s possible it was a balk, but you can’t tell for sure if Bowers stepped off the rubber.

    • Sookie July 16, 2009 at 12:11 am #

      Agrees with Jacob

      Plus Rookie if the Year is a superior movie

      • Molly July 16, 2009 at 3:52 am #

        sez wiki: The trick play Bowers (Jonathan Silverman) executes towards Griffey in the final game is of questionable legality. GREY AREA.

      • Marc July 16, 2009 at 5:39 am #

        Erroneous! Erroneous on both accounts!

  5. Marc July 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm #

    On the no-nos, there’s really no wrong answer. I respect your opinions, but I just like the prospect of pwning any pitcher a team throws at you, and rolling through every base in the process. I think if I’m striking out 20 guys to get the no-no, I might take the no-no then, but watching a Bud Smith groundball the Padres to death just isn’t as good to me.
    Trivia: There have been 262 no-hitters in baseball and 287 cycles hit.

  6. Jackass July 16, 2009 at 12:15 am #

    I’m a Twins fan and that movie Little Big League sucked! I remember that it came out just after Rookie of the Year and The Sandlot, two vastly superior “kids have fun with baseball” movies and in the tradition of shitty sequels, was shitty. The Sandlot needs no further introduction, and Rookie of the Year featured Gary Busey and Daniel Stern, who not only directed, but also invented the term “Hot Ice.” Gotta go with Billy Beane on this one because he changed the baseball GM industry, and all that little twit did in LBL is expanded the definition of Little Twit to include “kid who owns major sports franchise.”
    And on the no hitter: For chrissake, Alex Kwak can hit for the cycle, or so he claims. I would take a 5/5, 5 HR game over a no-no, but as a batter, I would rather go 3/5 with 3 homers than 4/5 and hit for the cycle. Chicks dig the long ball and statistically, the cycle is just not the best thing you can do in a game. For a pitcher, there is nothing better than a no hitter (except a perfecto or a 27 K game but now we’re splitting hairs).

    • Marc July 16, 2009 at 5:37 am #

      Alex Kwak may or may not have hit for the cycle. And that wasn’t even in baseball, that was with women.

      The Sandlot is obviously a better movie than Little Big League or Rookie of the Year, so I don’t know what that has to do with anything. As for Rookie of the Year, outside of Daniel Stern and the phrase “funky butt lovin”, that movie isn’t bringing much to the table.

  7. Molly July 16, 2009 at 3:54 am #

    I would just like to point out that more than 2 ppl got the LBL movie reference and, for that, my faith in major league baseball and also humanity is renewed.

  8. Cara July 16, 2009 at 5:20 am #

    My only interest in this post: I want to see a picture of a “mullhawk.”

    • Marc July 16, 2009 at 5:38 am #

      • Molly July 16, 2009 at 12:56 pm #

        ugh. where was THAT guy at my party?

      • Drewpreme July 16, 2009 at 1:31 pm #


      • Jackass July 16, 2009 at 3:53 pm #

  9. Molly July 16, 2009 at 12:57 pm #

    Also I’m pretty sure Maz and Cara would get along

    • mazall July 16, 2009 at 1:52 pm #

      i skimmed all the comments until i saw my name. who is cara?

      • Drewpreme July 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm #

        Fresh off last week’s party Molly is trying to “Big Love” a new person on you Mazzarelli…

      • Molly July 17, 2009 at 1:06 pm #

        Someone else who thinks there’s a halftime in bezbol

      • Claire July 19, 2009 at 6:56 pm #

        you met Cara! she’s my friend from college who came to visit. you, me and nick went to the abbey with her.

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