I’m With the Band

16 Jun

On Friday, Molly and I went to see the Avett Brothers at the Filmore East, also known
as Irving Place (although why you’d rename a historic venue is beyond me). They played their best songs, Molly got a good view of her favorite Avett, and I only complained about my $10 watered down drink once. It was a great show. At least, we think it was a great show. We’re not really sure because we spent most of the time criticizing people in the audience.

Think they're related?

Think they're related?

There’s something about a music concert that turns otherwise normal people into raging d-bags. It doesn’t matter whether you’re seeing Slipknot or Paula Cole, the audience is always the same. There’s the person who cuts in front of you. The person who spills his drink on you. The person who shouts “WOO!!!” directly in your ear. Molly and I started cataloguing our annoyances and we came up with a list of 12 awful concert moments.

are we in church?

are we in church?

1. The Fake “Excuse Me.” Some people say “excuse me,” as they make their way to some unknown location closer to the stage. This is acceptable. But then there are people who say “excuse me,” and then squeeze directly in front of you and stay there, essentially taking your place. They’re usually short women in their early 20s. Most of them are named Renee.

2. Arm raisers. As Molly put it, “What is this? We are not at a DC Talk concert.”

3. Close Standers. There are two types of close standers: those who plant themselves directly next to you in a not-quite-full concert hall that has ample space, and those who start off at an appropriate distance and then move (unknowingly, I assume) closer and closer to you until your bodies are touching. The first version is easily remedied by moving to a different location—or if you’re Molly, you can just gave the woman death eyes until she gets the hint—but the second only happens in a sold-out show. You can’t move backwards or you’re close standing the person behind you. You can’t move to the side or you’ll be standing behind a pole. So you remain there, awkward and uncomfortable, as some third-tier liberal arts college reject in a striped button down shuffles his boat shoes toward you until the rim of his backwards baseball cap is hitting you in the forehead. When you tap him on the shoulder and ask him to move forward, he looks at you with Corona-glazed eyes, apologizes, and turns around and stays where he is. It’s okay though. Later you go home and complain about him on your blog.

Not scaled to size

Not scaled to size

4. Tall people. If you’re over 6’3 you should have to stand in a designated concert “tall people” area, like smoking sections in restaurants. This will be part of my political platform if I ever run for office.

5. People dressed in t-shirts of the band they’re watching. This is not a sporting event, there is no competing band from which you must visibly separate yourself.

6. People who watch a concert with headphones hanging around their necks. You can’t put your iPod away for one hour while you listen to LIVE music? Really?

they drive carpool

can you cut the crusts off my sandwich?

7. Moms. What are moms doing at concerts? This is just weird.

8. People with gauged ear lobes. They are gross and disgusting and if the holes are big enough, I will become physically revolted. (That’s what she said). We saw one guy at the concert with enormous ear holes, but he walked by us too quickly and we couldn’t get a picture. Instead, we went with a reenactment:

(not an actual ear hole)

(not an actual ear hole)

9. Crazy dancers. We are torn on this issue in that I love them and Molly hates them. They are happy, they are having a good time, and they give me something to watch when I need a break form the earnest musician pouring his heart out on stage. As long as they don’t bump into me, I’m okay with them.

10. Lady Gaga. Apparently she likes the Avett Brothers.

not pictured: teacup

not pictured: teacup

Okay, so it wasn’t the REAL Lady Gaga. And that makes it even worse. Famous people dress in costumes. Normals do not. When a Normal wears flowered bloomers to see a 9 pm folk-rock concert, she thinks she is exuding creativity and edginess but Molly and I see only a deep, mournful cry for attention. “Please love me,” the woman is saying. “I’m wearing a decorated diaper cover!”

11. PDA. It’s sweet that you’re on a concert date. Those are very good dates. But do you need to put your hands in each others pockets and sway back and forth to every song? You look like an a herpes medication ad.

12. Stuck-up girls who think they’re better than everyone.

awful

awful

Those people are the worst.

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31 Responses to “I’m With the Band”

  1. Drewpreme June 16, 2009 at 1:44 pm #

    Sucks you’re small. Don’t hate on us who drank our milk and ate our Wheaties.

    Classic Tall Concert Moment – At the “Up In Smoke” Tour at Nassau Colosseum, I had 3rd row “seats” on the floor. Standing and enjoying the Show while Snoop and Dre are on stage, they do a “In Memoriam” to rappers who’ve passed on. Giving props to greats like Pac, Biggie, Big L, Eazy E, and Big Pun, which at that point Dre says “Whats up Joe! Respect baby!” I realize that he’s pointing behind me. So I turn around and its none other than Fat Joe and Mac-10. So I turn around and give Joe the standard “sup” head nod, and in between song we give each other proper greetings.

    * exchange pounds and hugs*
    “Joe, whats good man?”
    “Nothing big homie, just trying to watch the show stuck behind you [||]. Its like my brother standing in front of the TV when we were kids.”
    *laughter ensues*
    “Yeah I can see how that must suck. (still not moving) Stay up yo, I’ll cut you some slack on the sight lines.”
    *more laughter*

    (Since that time I saw Fat Joe on a few occasions and once had a good laugh about that moment. )

    Point being – I don’t give a burnt biscuit who you are when you’re stuck behind me in a concert. You should have bought/got better seats. If you are bummed then don’t be a Richard about it and we can all have fun…

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 1:50 pm #

      Claire and I are by no means small girls. I wore 3 inch heels that night, bringing my cumulative height to Emily Slaughter 5’11 levels. But still. If you are a “big boy” (as Maz would say) you need to have a little respect. And I’m not talking about organically ending up behind a tall guy because Claire wanted you to scoot over so she could check out her future husband. I’m talking about tall ppl straight up planting themselves in front of other people, probably using tactic #1.

    • Sookie June 16, 2009 at 2:24 pm #

      I agree. I shouldnt be punished for always having a great view of the show. I paid just as much for my ticket. I get tired of hearing people complain behind me.

      Im pretty sure the venue isnt a long hallway…move somewhere else

      • Molly June 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm #

        No one is asking you to stand in the back, Rosa. Just get out of my face! Also, I just realized everyone here is tall for their gender. In fact, of the regular commenters (Drew, Tyler, Mene, Maz, both Claires, Marc) I am probably the shortest. And I am not short. Don’t get me wrong, this is amazing, but now I’m wondering if I’m sizist when it comes to my friends…

  2. mazall June 16, 2009 at 1:55 pm #

    this may be my favorite post to date. if i may, i’d like to add one more annoyance – while crushed between people on all sides the drunk girl in front of you insists on shaking and flipping her head like a three year old having a tantrum. i swear i got a cornea scratch from that once.
    also, i may or may not have had gauged ears in high school. hehe.

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

      WHAT?

    • Claire June 16, 2009 at 2:18 pm #

      WHAT?!?!?!!

      but your ears are normal now! did they grow back?

      • mazall June 16, 2009 at 2:45 pm #

        i still have the jewelry at the apt. i shall show you wee one. too bad the robbers didn’t steal them.

    • Sookie June 16, 2009 at 2:25 pm #

      did you have to go to the “seedy” district of SLC to get them?

      • Molly June 16, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

        LOL!

      • mazall June 16, 2009 at 2:41 pm #

        no way man. i was hard core. i did it myself. and they weren’t HUGE. i had like a 10 gauge. the big ol’ ones are lower digits.

  3. Sookie June 16, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    “whats this? Youre wearing the shirt of the band youre going to see? Dont be that guy.”

    Droz (the great Jeremy Piven) to Gutter (the great Jon Favreau) in the slept on classic PCU

  4. Erin June 16, 2009 at 2:26 pm #

    I agree w/ Drew on the tall comment. I am usually the tallest girl in the room. Why should I stand in the back so your average ass can be closer? LOL. Deal w/ it. I say this with love & equality for the lofty.

    Also, I am a mom! a quasi- cute one. granted I don’t wear mom jeans, and carry a backpack purse… Whats wrong with your run of the mill ehh-MILF at a show?

    The rest, however- Brilliant!

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 2:33 pm #

      Oh Erin aka “run of the milf”…you need to comment more.

  5. Drewpreme June 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm #

    Thanks Erin!

    Also being tall is awesome at events when the band throws promo stuff into the crowd. I was at a Pharcyde concert at Syracuse U back in 199x and was snagging all the stuff like Rodman on the Bulls. Sucked for the cute co-eds behind me. However if they were nice and not femme canines about it all I would have hooked them up.

    So all you Lilliputians out there – be nice to the tall dude in front of you. He has your entertainment destiny in your hands.

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 2:44 pm #

      femme canines. love you mean it drewpreme. way to keep it clean!

  6. Erin June 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm #

    Also, if you guys think moms at shows are a no go, how about pregnant chicks? I went to Toby Keith, Radiohead, and New Kids (can I get the eclectic props??) all whist knocked up. I’m sure people thought I was nuts, but Kyle loved it bc he got toe-up and had a designated driver… LOL. Plus people purposely avoid bumping you because they pity you, LOL.

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

      note to self: wear one of those fake bellies to next concert

    • KC June 16, 2009 at 4:44 pm #

      How dare you omit the fact that Toby Keith was on September 11?! Don’t make me lock you out of the house again on account of your terrorist-leaning braggadocio.

      • Molly June 16, 2009 at 6:10 pm #

        So KC got wasted on 9/11 but E is the terrorist? Interesting spin….

      • Erin June 16, 2009 at 6:26 pm #

        ::sigh::
        the fact the show was on 9/11, honey, was not relevant to the point that some chicks can still rock out w/ their cock out even if they have kids and/or are pregnant.

        If you lock me out again there will be no sort of cock out rockin in your future, and you can make yourself comfy on “sookie’s” couch.

      • Drewpreme June 16, 2009 at 6:32 pm #

        Rondell you’s a muhtrucka…

      • KC June 16, 2009 at 6:59 pm #

        Wait wait wait… ain’t nothin’ more American than gettin’ drunk by double fisting plastic pitchers of Bud Light at a Toby Keith concert. I’ll consider Molly’s comment retracted.

  7. mazall June 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm #

    how did you get pictures of these people without offending them?

    • Molly June 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm #

      wellll…not ALL of them went unoffended…

  8. Molly June 16, 2009 at 7:11 pm #

    @KCR you’re so right. *retracts*. God Bless America and no place else!!

  9. Claire June 16, 2009 at 8:59 pm #

    i did it myself. and they weren’t HUGE

    That’s what she said

  10. London June 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm #

    Dang, I missed the Avett Brothers!!! Thanks for giving me an extra inch. Before you know it I’ll be 6′! I like being tall and able to see, most of the time, but there’s no way I could make it through a concert in heels. I’ll just carry them in my bag for the debauchery afterwards.

  11. Kate June 29, 2009 at 5:57 pm #

    You forgot to add to the list going to a Decemberists concert with friends, arriving way before them to get good seats, finding GREAT seats, LEAVING to get a drink, COMING back, ONLY TO FIND THEY HAVE CHANGED LOCATIONS TO BE NEAR THE “speakers” IT’S A CONCERT. YOU CAN HEAR IT FROM MILES AWAY. JOEY. STEPHANIE. JON. OTHER PEOPLE I CANNOT REMEMBER BECAUSE OF AFOREMENTIONED DRINKS.
    I’m not saying it happened. It just hypothetically coulda.

    • Molly June 30, 2009 at 2:34 am #

      oh kate. move to new york please?

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