Either/Or With Marc pt. IV

16 May

Marc sent me a package in the mail yesterday and for once it wasn’t covered in his own urine. So I’ll be listening to his 2-CD set of jazz classics (which he kindly titled “The Education of a Fool”) and I’ll let you know what I think. Until then, Marc is going to tell you what HE thinks. That’s right. It’s time for this week’s Either/Or with Marc.

that poor child has Marc as his uncle

that poor child has Marc as his uncle

The name Marc vs. the name Mark

First of all, I’m quite clearly better than anyone with the name Mark. With that said, my parents really dropped the ball on this one. After naming my brother Erik, not Eric, they decided to keep the trend alive with me. Or, my mom’s side is French. You pick. Sure, it can be nice to be different and have an uncommon name. It can also be nice to not have your name misspelled your whole life. And that’s not even your fault, it’s mine for having a ‘c’ instead of a ‘k’. Marc hasn’t stopped anyone from calling me Marky Mark for 20 years and it did cause my 3rd grade teacher to call me a liar when I said my name wasn’t actually Marcus. Give me that special K.
Claire’s note: This is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, after Darfur.

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

My primary decision on this matter was lengthy and complicated. I’ll trim it down to the fact that Comic Book Guy from the Simpson’s represents both fan bases equally; George Lucas’s neck turned Star Wars from a cultural icon to a cultural evil and Star Trek turned itself into nothing as it disappeared from the world completey. One franchise is of poor quality, the other is just poor and they both live in their mom’s basement.
Then I saw the new Star Trek movie, which pretty much does this to Star Wars. A decade ago Vader would’ve force choked the crew of the Enterprise (all six versions). In 2009 that whiny teenager gets a Vulcan nerve pinch from Mr. Spock while Kirk sleeps wtih every alien female in sight. J.J. Abrams just blew up the Death Star.

Blondes vs. Brunettes

Blondes. In this package you get Marilyn Monroe, blonde jokes, James Bond VI, the entire Aryan race and a general mantra of having fun. Brunettes are ok, I guess, but who ever heard of brunette highlights? Way I figure, if everyone wants to be a blonde then there must be something to that.

OJ the person vs. OJ the juice

How can you not go with OJ the person here? We’re talking decades of solid, A+ entertainment from this character. A hall of fame football career, hilarious turns as Nordberg in the Naked Gun series, murder, the car chase, the trial, the subsequent parodies of said trial. Then the guy has the absolute gall not only to insist on his innocence, but to write a book detailing how he might have gone about killing people, you know, if he’d actually done it. But he didn’t. It’s all theoretical. Simply amazing. What’s Orange Juice ever done? I drink OJ all the time and I still get sick. I drink it when I’m sick and I don’t get better. It’s not even the best juice out there (that would be blueberry-pomegranate). I think I saw a glove covered in orange juice outside…

Illinois vs. Indiana

Ha. Is this a joke? I have a joke. Why is Illinois so windy? Because Iowa sucks and Indiana blows. Indiana is worthless in every way. Indianapolis is a quaint little town, but name me one reason to go there voluntarily that is not sports related. Time’s up! The rest of the state is either a subsidiary of Chicago, an outpost of Kentucky or a complete wasteland. Their big claims to fame are a movie made 25 years ago, Tom Raper RVs and Peyton Manning. Illinois is rife with delicious corn, Abe Lincoln and his hat, celebrity/incarcerated governors, John Hughes movies and Chicago. Props to Indiana on voting for Barack, but considering he was our Senator in the first place, I’ll stick with the state that is ILL.

Claire’s note: Northern Indiana is not a subsidiary of Chicago. They like to claim that they are part of Chicago, but they aren’t. It’s like people from Jersey claiming they’re from New York. No you’re not. You live in a different state. A state that smells like sulfur and bad dye jobs and has Gary, Indiana.

Sex vs. Drugs vs. Rock ‘n’ roll

Sex is obviously a great time, but can also lead to awkward situations during and after. Drugs seem like they’re good for a larf, but they are expensive and potentially life threatening. Of course, sex is too if you’re in Vegas. In addition, once you get old you’re pretty much not going to be able to do either without bringing on a stroke. Rock ‘n’ roll is good all day, every day, your whole life and is relatively risk free. It might be the safe choice, but it’s the right one. *air guitar*.

PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS vs. people who never capitalize anything

i think that lazyness is generally accepted over the internet, which is what no capitalization amounts to. unprofessional? sure. easy? definitely. perpetual caps lock however, it’s bad enough getting yelled at in real life, does that really need to carry over to the internet? i have been known to thrown down the occasional sentence of all caps as it is sometimes necessary to convey strong emotion. TO PERSIST WITH THAT ALL THE TIME THOUGH? IT SEEMS A LITTLE ATTENTION WHORISH, LIKE I AM A CHILD THROWING A TANTRUM. SEE HOW ANNOYING THIS IS TO READ??? ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE JACK A DULL BOY. if i want to make my eyes bleed i’ll go watch two and a half men.

i may come up with more but right now i’m drunk and need to go to bed

(This was not a category, it was just at the bottom of Claire’s email – which she sent after attending the Newsweek 99). Coming up with more provides me with more comedy and fodder for my argumentative/funloving nature. It is also fun to stay up really late while hammered and see what sort of havoc you can wreck on your life that will not be remembered by you after a few hours. Sleeping though, my god how I love sleep. They say that drunk sleep is like half the amount of regular sleep. LIES. Drunk sleep is full of awesome dreams and delicious sleep. Going to bed wins over ruining tomorrow.


14 Responses to “Either/Or With Marc pt. IV”

  1. Molly May 18, 2009 at 5:19 am #

    Why Marc and I were meant to be friends forever despite claire trying to keep us apart:

    me: so [the new star trek movie] inspired me to rewatch 2, 3 and 4
    Marc: !!!!
    me: in 2 days i saw 4 movies
    was amazing
    i forgot how good the voyage home was
    Marc: um
    so i just watched that last night
    me: WHAT ME TOO
    Marc: and i watched search for spock yesterday afternoon
    and i watched wrath of khan thursday
    me: WHAT
    Marc: because i bought them all on tuesday
    me: ME TOO
    at target?
    the new trio?
    Marc: YES
    me: OMG!
    are we soul mates??
    Marc: http://video.barnesandnoble.com/DVD/Star-Trek-The-Motion-Picture-Trilogy/e/097361427645/?itm=3
    i downloaded the wrath of khan soundtrack
    me: um yes, that is what i purchased
    Marc: because it’s awesome

  2. mazall May 18, 2009 at 1:41 pm #

    marc, you’ve had a tough time having a ‘c’ in your name instead of a ‘k’???
    don’t get me started on the perils that have been my name.

    (and yes, i’m writing this without capital letters, SO THERE.)

    • Drewpreme May 18, 2009 at 2:25 pm #

      Regarding this. I can just see the trauma of going to (insert amusement park here) as a kid and when you look at all the license plates, personalized key chains, magnets, etc you were hung out to dry…

    • Marc May 18, 2009 at 8:58 pm #

      good, that’s totally the way to be!

    • Marc May 18, 2009 at 9:02 pm #

      Yeah, but at least your name is unique and interesting. Mine is just spelled wrong.

  3. Drewpreme May 18, 2009 at 2:23 pm #

    Hey Claire, I think this is where you should step in and throw shade at Molly for trying to soulmate one of your male friends. You know in the same way I get heat the minute I smile too much, or say something complimentary to one of you ladies.

    BTW – Indiana being the New Jersey of the Midwest is some funny William Shatner.

  4. Claire May 18, 2009 at 2:28 pm #

    A couple thoughts:

    1. It’s okay, Marc and I have a special bond that cannot be broken. Basically, we killed a man and the horror of our crime has united us in a unique and powerful way that doesn’t require me to like or care about Star Trek.

    2. They never had keychains with my name on them either! “Claire” wasn’t popular enough. It was traumatic.

    • Molly May 18, 2009 at 2:33 pm #

      My new missions in life: to a) find key chains with Marc and Claire on them b) boldly go where no man has gone before aka KILLING DREWPREME

      • Drewpreme May 18, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

        Sad thing is that Molly would get off because “she doesn’t look like a murderer”.

        Its OK. I’ll make phone calls from the grave. Ask Claire how many people I know!!! 😉

      • mazall May 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm #


    • Marc May 18, 2009 at 9:03 pm #

      It was only a stupid drifter.

  5. Molly May 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm #

    Claire, how many people does Drew know?

  6. Claire May 18, 2009 at 10:30 pm #

    I dont know. how many people are in Brooklyn?

    • Molly May 18, 2009 at 10:37 pm #

      I don’t know. how many people work with you at Time?

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