Dispatches from a Mets game with Claire. Or, “Three Strikes You’re Out”

12 May
Amazin'

Not Amazin'

#1 Claire, Evan and Molly sit together on a quiet 7 express train. They are on their way to CitiField and are, naturally, talking about baseball. Manny Ramirez comes up.
“But seriously,” says Molly, “everyone does steroids. Even me!” She then flexes her ‘biceps’ and the group laughs. The obvious stream of muscle jokes begins:
Do you have a band-aid? Because I’m cut. Do you have any tape? Because I’m ripped. Tickets to the gun show, etc.
Then Claire decides to take it to the next level.
“Are you the President of the United States?” she says while flexing. “Cause I’m Michelle Obama!!” People are staring and Evan is shaking his head. Claire can’t stop giggling, and adds:
“Also, are you from Malwai? Cause I’m Madonna.”

#2 Claire: “How long is a baseball game?”

#3 Claire and Molly go to the bathroom and, unfortunately, their stalls are adjacent. The game is playing over the speakers, and someone on the Mets doubles. The stadium roars. “OH NO!” Molly yells from her stall.
“What!?” says Claire. “Did you pee on yourself?”

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20 Responses to “Dispatches from a Mets game with Claire. Or, “Three Strikes You’re Out””

  1. Claire May 12, 2009 at 3:14 pm #

    #2 is a totally legit question. i KNOW it’s 9 innings, i wanted to know the general timeframe – 2 hours? 3 hours?

    #1 at least i made up my own jokes! you used canned humor everyone had heard before

    • Molly May 12, 2009 at 3:16 pm #

      Claire: How long is a baseball game?
      Molly: 9 innings
      Evan: So like 8 hours
      Claire: Oh perfect! Alex will have plenty of time to get here.

  2. Sookie May 12, 2009 at 3:16 pm #

    Valid question #3 Claire

  3. Sookie May 12, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    and no that was the 17,000+ at CitiField pissing themselves bc they actually were trying to give Santana some run support for once…alas as usual they failed

  4. Drewpreme May 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm #

    *has already dustpanned the Braves once*
    *has yet to see the Braves Brooms come out this season*
    *looks down from first place*

    To quote the great urban griot Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones – “Queens (bleeps) owns you (bleeps) ask Russell Simmons.” Or in this case Fred Wilpon…

    To To quote the great urban griot Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones AGAIN – “Atlanta ain’t Braver, I pull a number like a pager…”

    Obnoxious Met Fan in the house.

    • Sookie May 12, 2009 at 7:47 pm #

      *gazes at 14 straight NL East Pennants and wonders how this is even a discussion*

      Tell me how that view from first looks with a month left in the season. I would say Mets fans talk a lot of shit for early in the season but I guess thats about the only time you can talk shit. Yall are the A-Rod of baseball. Peak early when it doesnt matter and crumble when it does.

      The Braves are up over 50 games in the all time series. That means you guys would have to sweep the next 4 seasons of games against us to get it to .500.

      To Quote the great Larry Jones
      “tell the Met fans they can go home and put on their Yankees gear now”

      The man named his son Shea…it doesnt get any more embarrassing than that

      • Molly May 12, 2009 at 7:50 pm #

        And I shall name my firstborn CitiField.

      • Drewpreme May 12, 2009 at 10:04 pm #

        This song sums it up…

        All them division titles and how many World Series rings? Thats like saying you got 14 invites to Hef’s crib and only rocked the big cereal bowl the next morning like once.

  5. mazall May 12, 2009 at 9:47 pm #

    how this reads to me: “blah, blah, blah sports. blah blah citifield blah, manny, blah, blah.” now where is my fancy drink?

    • Molly May 12, 2009 at 10:04 pm #

      so you can get a buzz? or is it bees?

      • mazall May 13, 2009 at 1:48 pm #

        touche! (i spelled it right)

  6. Sookie May 12, 2009 at 10:13 pm #

    Damn having to use an obscure R&B singer from Winston Salem is all the come back you can muster up. Regardless we were still at Hef’s crib while you were at a local Hooters asking if there were any beer specials for the night.

    Since your last WS in 86 (using all time stats isnt fair to you) we’ll let the numbers speak…and Ill even use the 86 season to make it less jarring for you

    WS’s – 1 to 1
    NL Titles aka WS appearances- 2 to 5
    NL East Banners – 3 to 14
    Record Setting Collapses to end a season – 2 to 0

    • Molly May 12, 2009 at 10:18 pm #

      All of a sudden I’m very attracted to you Tyler.

      • Sookie May 12, 2009 at 10:28 pm #

        all of a sudden my well defined but petite arse

    • Drewpreme May 12, 2009 at 10:18 pm #

      All that proves to me is that your team is great with getting the digits and getting over to the crib, but come up short like Gary Coleman when it comes time to seal the deal…

      • Sookie May 12, 2009 at 10:27 pm #

        and all that means to me is that your great at watching us from a far getting the digits and hoping it fails with all your might…and then when you actually try to pull some yourself catching the “oh sorry i have a BF” soft letdown.

        That or when you do think youre ALLLLLLMOST getting there breaking out Sleepers on DVD

  7. Molly May 13, 2009 at 2:21 am #

    oh wow tyler totally went there with Sleepers

  8. Drewpreme May 13, 2009 at 10:52 am #

    It’s ok. Mets win.

    • Molly May 13, 2009 at 1:02 pm #

      ugh. cheaters.

      • Drewpreme May 13, 2009 at 5:08 pm #

        Ugh. Losers.

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