How the Other Half Lives: the Black Tie Edition

7 May
Not our Claire

Not our Claire

We don’t say “No” to much. Throw in a nice round number of celebs, free martinis, and a reason to wear sparkles, and you pretty much seal the deal. Which is what happened Tuesday night, more or less, with a way fancy event we are calling the “Newsweek 99” (wait for it).

Oh, except that Molly did say “No”, for unfortunate reasons we won’t go into here. Needless to say, Claire was wrought with devastation. “BUT WE COULD HAVE BLOGGED IT!,” she e-squeaked. “And we still can,” said Molly.

So here it is folks, a time-coded comparison of our Wednesday nights. Claire in pink, obvi.

5:45 PM Event is in one hour. I am still at work.
6:20 Standing in front of closet. Do not want to wear the poofy dress AGAIN. I need more clothes.
6:32 NOTHING TO WEAR. Well, there is the Betsy Johnson dress. Have not worn it in 5+ years. There is no way it will still fit. This is not fair. I worked all day and it’s raining outside and my hair is frizzy and the dress I want will not fit me anymore. Life is hard. How am I supposed to do this?
6:33: I don’t even want to go anymore.
6:34 Ok, yes I do.
6:35 No I don’t.
6:36 Whatever, I’ll try it on.
6:40 THE DRESS FITS.
6:42 The dress looks awesome.
6:43 Why have I not worn this dress more? This dress is dazzling. The level of amazement and awe and wonder I feel rivals anything I have ever felt before. I’m having a religious experience.
6:44 I think it made my boobs bigger…?
6:45 I forgot about shoes. Fuck. SHOES! I don’t have any shoes to go with this dress. AAGGGGHHHHHH
6:46 Wait, yes I do.
7:10 In cab, on way to party. I have an entire black-tie outfit culled from items I already own and have owned for years. I am like that time Sharon Stone went to the Oscars in a turtleneck. I am the fashion MacGuyver.

7:13 I just remembered I ordered a Marc Jacobs purse a month ago and have yet to receive it in the mail.

7:15 Michelle Obama is here. Giant men in tuxes guarding the alley.

7:27 Giant red carpet. Do they ever do a different color carpet? Why is it alaways red? Who are all these people? I do not want to go down the red carpet. I feel awkard.

7:31 Watching the Braves game. No score. Also no Stevie.

7:38: All I see is the red carpet. Ask security guy where the normals go. He points to a boring entrance.
Him: But don’t do that. Why don’t you try the carpet?
Me: Oh no. I can’t do that.
Him: When will you ever get to do it again? Try it!
I try it.

7:40 The guacamole I got from the store tastes like a cereal box.

7:41 Am stuck between Diane Sawyer and some young chick with bad hair. Do I walk in front of them? Behind them? I think I have to stand here. This is ridiculous.

7:42 Diane Sawyer has nice boobs.

7:42 Maz with an epic Cinco de Mayo fail. She made those stupid Amy’s Enchiladas things again. Do you know you have to heat them for FIVE MINUTES in the microwave?! And guess what? They still taste/smell like feet.

7:44 There is a short man in a leather trench coat in front of me. He is really, really old. And really short. He has weird teeth. He’s probably something boring, like a businessman. Or a chef.

7:43 Am teaching Mazall the tomahawk chop. She is much better than my sister.

7:45 Man who is probably a chef: Are you posing for this thing?
Me: Who, me?
Man: Are you on the list? To have your photo taken?
Me: On the red carpet? Oh no! Ha ha. I am very unimportant. I don’t even think I’m supposed to be in this line.
Man: Do you want to pose with me?
Me: For photos?
Man: You can be my date.
Me: I, um, I-
Man: (takes my arm) Stand here.
Me: Okaayy…
Photographers: Oh! Oh! Mr. Reed! Mr. Reed. Over here! OVER HERE! No, here! Here!
Man: Now move down. Stand on the X on the floor.
Photographers: OMG!!!! (click click click click click) Mr. Reed, can we get one of you two together?

7:47 Who is this guy? Why are we getting our photo taken together? WHO IS MR REED? I should have read this week’s magazine.

7:59 Mazall keeps talking and the Mets are up 1. Ugh.

8:00 We’re riding in the elevator together
Me: Thanks so much, that was really fun. I’m Claire.
Him: I’m Lou.
Me: Oh. OH! Oooh.

8:01 Maz just had the grossest that’s what she said ever.
Me making fun of her food: “I like it stinky and messy.”
Maz: “that’s what she said.”

8:02 I pat him on the shoulder and say, “I know who you are!”
Lou Reed: Nice to meet you.

8:11 We are now in a deep discussion on the face transplant woman. Almost threw up tuna. Shoutout to Nick!

8:15 Find the other normals, immediately tell and retell Lou Reed story 15 times. Also text Molly.

8:16 Text from Claire (Is she drunk already?): “OMG best story ever it involves Lou Reed will tell you live not through text.” Note to Claire: Over Gchat the next day does not count as “live.”

8:20 Someone who is young and one of the Newsweek 99 talks to me. Dress is magic.

8:21 I have no idea who he is. Also, he is boring. Magic is wasted.

8:22 Free booze!

8:22 Now Mazall is trying to convince me that Salt Lake City has a major league baseball team. Except she can’t remember if it’s the SLC Buzz or SLC Bees. Time to get cable in my room.

8:23 Claire Danes just walked by me. She is the prettier Claire.

8:37 We are now discussing whether or not I should get a “lob.” For those of you who don’t read InStyle HAIR, this is slang for a “long bob“. I like blong better.

8:39 Oprah is talking to (redacted). I know (redacted). Technically, I could join the conversation and it would be socially appropriate. Well, sort of. I’d still be interrupting Oprah.

8:40 Thank God Marc is online.

8:55 Standing at bar, trying to order a drink but I can’t because Barbara Walters won’t get out of my way.

9:04 Tyler is texting me in Spanish in honor of Cinco de Mayo. Example: “Si.”

9:07 Jimmy Fallon is tall. And he’s cute. I KNEW IT. For years I was the lone person (….on the planet?) who thought this. He’d be on SNL and people would be all “Why is he on this show? He’s not even funny!” and I’d be like, “because he’s cute!” But nobody agreed. Well, I was right. He’s tall and he’s cute. But he’s still not funny.

9:10 The fancy people part is starting. We’re not invited to the fancy people part. Instead (Redacted), (Redacted), (Redacted), (Redacted) and I take photos of each other.

9:56 Mets now lead 4-1. Thanks, Chipper.

10:00 Michelle Obama is speaking.

10:10-10:18 Rallying!

10:18 OMG rallying worked.

10:24 Oh. No it didn’t.

10: 31 Some guy asks me if I “Wanna get out of here and go somewhere else.” He is clearly not famous or he would be in the fancy people part. I decline.

10:39 Am now hungry. Eating a brownie and cadbury egg. So, basically,what Oprah and Claire are eating at the party.

11:15 Free dinner! I have a garden salad and chicken and roasted potatoes. I sit with (Redacted) and (Redacted) and we talk about work.

12:00 AM Strong desire to play that Taylor Swift song on the guitar….but I think everyone is asleep.

12:05 (Redacted), (Redacted) and I try to talk to Jimmy Fallon but he walks away. Dress is not magic.

12:10 I hate checking the weather forecast late at night because I never know if I should be looking at “today” or “tomorrow.”

1:00 After party!!

2:50 Receive following e-mail from Claire:
“i loev you all will see you sooj basebeall MOLLY YOU LEF TME ALONE”

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21 Responses to “How the Other Half Lives: the Black Tie Edition”

  1. Cara May 7, 2009 at 4:02 pm #

    Um, I just watched the Red Carpet video on time.com and you were not on it. Boo…

  2. mazall May 7, 2009 at 4:06 pm #

    ok. sigh. so many things to say:
    1. MOLLY, can not believe you didn’t tell me about the lou reed magic as it was happening that night. i had to learn about it on claire’s fb post. FAIL.
    2. amy’s organic microwaveable meals are nutritious and delicious. and you wanna complain about SMELL MOLLY…. how about the can of cat food (aka tuna) you mixed with mayo and spread on MOLDY bread. HMM?????
    3. claire, i have a mental picture of you all gussied up at the fancy party, staring at your phone typing away while everything is going on around you. DO NOT ever do that again… even for the sake of the blog. LYMI!

    • Molly May 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm #

      yeah right. Claire’s first text was at 8:15 and her second was at 1AM and it was just the letter “J”. I think she just stored all this in her mind brain.

    • Claire May 7, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

      I only texted her twice. once about diane sawyer’s amazing rack and once about lou reed. and then the phone went away. so ha!

      these “liveblogs” may or may not have been made up 2 days after the fact.

  3. menelaos May 7, 2009 at 4:35 pm #

    Must see pictures of you and Lou Reed ASAP!

    • Claire May 7, 2009 at 8:29 pm #

      i cant find them! photo dept. looked but i guess the photogs weed through the pics and toss away ones that are bad/have non-famos people in them

      • Cara May 8, 2009 at 4:12 am #

        Grr, they should wait at least a week before trashing old stuff…

  4. Cara May 7, 2009 at 6:33 pm #

    Also – time progression is amazing:

    6:43 Why have I not worn this dress more? This dress is dazzling. The level of amazement and awe and wonder I feel rivals anything I have ever felt before. I’m having a religious experience.
    6:36 I think it made my boobs bigger…?
    6:45 I forgot about shoes. Fuck. SHOES! I don’t have any shoes to go with this dress. AAGGGGHHHHHH

  5. Drewpreme May 7, 2009 at 7:20 pm #

    *Standing Ovation*

    Claire you’ve totally trumped my following events…

    1. Dinner with Chris Webber and Allen Iverson.
    2. Hanging on 117th and B’Way with Ghostface because there was an anthrax scare at the radio studio we were all headed to.
    3. Puffy buying me a pair of shelltop adidas.

    BTW – You’re prettier than Claire Danes.

    • Molly May 7, 2009 at 7:39 pm #

      *throws up*

      • Drewpreme May 7, 2009 at 7:58 pm #

        Hater in the house…

    • Claire May 7, 2009 at 8:29 pm #

      awww thanks drew. that’s not even remotely true but i’m going to live my life pretending that it is.

  6. mazall May 7, 2009 at 8:20 pm #

    well then clairey i applaud your embellished (shall we call it that?) live blogging.
    its brills, hilar, omg, wtf, lymi.

  7. Molly May 7, 2009 at 9:46 pm #

    @ Drewpreme. Not a hater, just a Tony Montana 🙂

  8. Cara May 10, 2009 at 12:20 am #

    I just got the magazine with the TIME 100 Gala pictures, and there is a picture of Lou Reed with “photographer Timothy Greenfield-Sanders.” I mean, who the hell is that? Wouldn’t it make more sense to publish the pic of Lou Reed with “writer Claire Suddath?”

    • Marc May 16, 2009 at 11:55 pm #

      I saw that too! It was disgusting. I’m certainly never buying any of Greenfield-Sanders photographs ever again.

      • Claire May 17, 2009 at 1:14 am #

        I love that you guys both subscribe to and read time. hehehe. it’s kind of adorable.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Either/Or With Marc pt. II « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - May 16, 2009

    […] it was just at the bottom of Claire’s email – which she sent after attending the Newsweek 99).  Coming up with more provides me with more comedy and fodder for my argumentative/funloving […]

  2. Either/Or With Marc pt. IV « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - May 16, 2009

    […] it was just at the bottom of Claire’s email – which she sent after attending the Newsweek 99). Coming up with more provides me with more comedy and fodder for my argumentative/funloving […]

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAIRE! « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - August 18, 2009

    […] in the presence of celebs like John Krasinski and Lou Reed, she keeps her cool and maintains her journalistic […]

  4. Hand Fame « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - February 23, 2011

    […] Claire and I got on the topic of that red carpet magazine party she went to a few years ago.  You know, the one where she made out with Lou Reed or whatever.  […]

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