M’Tuna

5 May
(not actual cat food)

(not actual cat food)

Nick said I could blog about him. I haven’t blogged about him yet because he moved to Saint Louis and nothing interesting happens there, not even by this blog’s pathetic standards (see: cat on leash). Also, I’m still mad at him for choosing a future and a career over the possibility that I might want to hang out on the weekends. But, guess what? After four months in Saint Louis, Nick finally did something interesting.

(I know what you’re thinking, and no, it does not involve urination)

Before I rail on Nick, I should probably mention that he doesn’t actually suck. In fact, he is sometimes quite tolerable. He owns a scooter. He can speak fluent French. He plays in a ridiculous 80s cover band. He helps me insert failed Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork’s last name into pop songs (… is this not normal?) And once he told me a Helen Keller joke that made me laugh so hard at work I had to go into the bathroom and compose myself because I couldn’t stop laugh-crying. Yesterday, if you had asked me what I thought of Nick, I would have said only positive, glowing things. But that has all changed now that I learned that he mixes canned tuna into mac and cheese.

Tuna is acceptable for human consumption in only three forms: as sushi, as a fillet on a plate at dinner, and as a tuna salad sandwich. Tuna salad without the sandwich is questionable—basically, you’re eating a big glop of fish and mayonnaise—but I’ll let it pass. However, as soon as you mush it up and put it in a bowl, it becomes cat food. Basically, Nick eats cat food. And he mixes it with mac and cheese.

I don’t know this for certain, but I’d bet money that this is not homemade, from-scratch mac and cheese. This is crap from a box, the kind with neon orange powder that coats your insides and turns you into a human Cheeto. (So…the good kind). I love love love from-a-box mac and cheese, but you can’t add anything else to the mixture because you’re not actually eating cheese. You’re eating chemicals. You can’t add pepper to chemicals. Or garlic to chemicals. Or even real cheese to chemicals. And you definitely, definitely, can’t add fish.

Nick contends that this is a normal dietary staple, that “real men” eat this mac and cat food combo. So I took an informal survey and of the six men who got back to me (Alex and Evan suck), only two of them have ever eaten it. Assuming that my six male friends who checked their email this evening represent all of male society (and they obviously do), this is a 33% pro-cat food response rate from men. I am horrified.

Dan said that he only ate it because he was hungry and poor, adding that, “I haven’t had it since because the combination seems sort of wrong.” He then told me a story about trying to mix tuna with rice and beans and how it was so gross that he actually gagged. Only Tyler the jazz musician has ever actually eaten mac and tuna on purpose. Drew said he has eaten Tuna Helper, which I’m not counting because at least the tuna was designed to go with the…what the hell is “Helper?”

I understand what Nick is going for: the poor man’s seafood pasta. But I’m not buying it. If I saw a limp carrot rolling around on the sidewalk outside the grocery store, I wouldn’t go around claiming that I found a salad.

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14 Responses to “M’Tuna”

  1. Molly May 5, 2009 at 6:32 am #

    Maybe if Nick ate less food my white linen pants wouldn’t be so stretched out.

  2. Cara May 5, 2009 at 7:26 am #

    I love the urination story. Can you just retell that one over and over?

    • Claire May 5, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

      you mean, more than i retell it already?

  3. mazall May 5, 2009 at 1:55 pm #

    nick looks like a turtle in that picture. (nick, LYMI!)

  4. Evan May 5, 2009 at 2:23 pm #

    I have eaten so much Tuna + Mac n’ Chee. So much. In fact, I believe you have been present when Nick and I have sung its praise (Nick is a tenor, btw). We call it “bachelor chow.” If you’re feeling crazy, you can throw in some BBQ sauce or sriracha. Maybe even a bag of peas (I see your crack related-link team has already discovered this possibility).

    Not only do real men eat this, real men attempt to cook, mix, eat, and store bachelor chow in a single piece of cookery, to reduce clean-up.

    • Claire May 5, 2009 at 5:09 pm #

      I have been present, but I have been ignoring you two

      sidenote: Nick owes me/molly his life for not posting the linen pants video on the Internet.

      • Molly May 5, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

        ooooh

  5. Evan May 5, 2009 at 2:28 pm #

    Also, baby brains:

    http://seedmagazine.com/content/article/to_be_a_baby/

  6. Drewpreme May 5, 2009 at 6:10 pm #

    Tuna Helper – is the only NON-sushi way I eat tuna.

  7. Claire May 5, 2009 at 7:45 pm #

    i really only it tuna as sushi. i dont like tuna salad very much. or tuna by itself. although i recognize that many people disagree with me so i guess it’s acceptable.

    • mazall May 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm #

      claire, i agree with you. molly made tuna last night and i wanted to rip my nostrils off.

  8. Looky-Lou May 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm #

    Claire this is Lou. Had a great time on the red carpet with you last night. Call me if you ever want to take a walk on the wild side or even just have a new york conversation. you’re a wild child and i love you. I’ll take you to coney island baby.

  9. Claire May 6, 2009 at 5:42 pm #

    Hi Lou. I love you. Last night was amazing. It’s kinda weird that your email shows up as molly’s on this though.

    • Molly May 7, 2009 at 4:30 pm #

      LOU REED BROKE INTO MY EMAIL!

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