This Week in Janice: Health & Wellness Edition

25 Apr

Janice in 1968

Janice in 1968

So my dad is in town and we go to a bar. Janice calls. Then we go to a restaurant. Janice calls again. Then we go to another bar where we drink scotch and judge people (sidenote: MY DAD IS SO MUCH FUN). Janice calls a third time. This is unusual for her — we’re not telephone people and I haven’t spoken to her in two weeks — so when she leaves me two voicemails, I listen to them to make sure they’re not about something important. When I get home, I find that she has also sent me an email. First, the messages.

Voicemail #1
Hey kiddo, it’s mom. It’s Friday at um, 5:50 Chicago time? So 6:50 where you are. Gimme a call, I know it’s Friday and you’re probably out but I just want to tell you something that you need to know. Gimme a buzz when you can. Take care, bye.

Voicemail #2
Hey honey, it’s mom. It’s still Friday night. I wanted you to know there’s a new flu coming around out of Mexico. It’s a virus. It’s a combination of swine flu, avian flu and human flu. It’s killing young adults. The guy on the radio said, y’know, I don’t think birds are having sex with pigs, okay? He suspects it’s manmade by our enemies. Eat only cooked food. Don’t eat at restaurants. Increase your vitamin C. Cook at home for a while. Don’t shake any hands and don’t drink anyone’s Coke. It’s in California and Texas cause of the Mexicans. The CDC is doing nothing and I may remind you that your grandfather was a doctor and he hated the CDC with a passion. They are worthless, okay? Call me and we will discuss this further.

————–

And then, the email:

Subj: Look up swine flu
Okay, Reuters didn’t forward their article about it so I could send it on. The combination of swine, avian and human flu is my concern. Could be human created virus in lab? Or birds and pigs falling in love? Does that fit with: Mexico City may be focus of spread. Also the guy on radio who said his kid’s high school in NYC has 500 kids out sick- lots of kids just back from Spring break and Mexico. Read some articles and avoid raw foods,esp. from Texas or Calif., restaurants, crowds, hand shaking (I did not know know that the Chinese stopped shaking hands after the plague hit China several centuries ago) and people recently from Mexico. Unusual:25-45 yrs olds dying. Tamiflu may work on this. “A novel virus”.

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9 Responses to “This Week in Janice: Health & Wellness Edition”

  1. Molly April 26, 2009 at 3:51 am #

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    “A novel virus”

  2. Molly April 26, 2009 at 4:00 am #

    actually, Janice could be on to something. It’s the a-hed on Drudge:

    http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSTRE53N22820090425

  3. Claire April 26, 2009 at 4:06 am #

    Tests confirmed that eight New York City schoolchildren had a type A influenza virus that was likely to be the swine flu

    Gross. Kids are disgusting.

  4. Cara April 27, 2009 at 2:40 am #

    I’m traveling to Mexico on Wednesday. Is the month and a half between my return to the US and the next time I see you long enough for you to be allowed to hang out with me?

    • Molly April 27, 2009 at 3:04 am #

      My Mom’s advice “Stay away from Mexicans and wear a mask on the train”

    • Claire April 27, 2009 at 3:36 am #

      Just don’t have sex with any pig-birds and you’ll be fine.

  5. Cara April 27, 2009 at 6:37 am #

    You should record the voicemails to get tone of voice, too…

  6. mazall April 27, 2009 at 2:13 pm #

    claire, my mom doesn’t know about the swine flu yet, so be grateful for janice’s advice. i’m totally not sexing with my pig-bird du jour after reading this.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Either/Or with Marc…third installment « Claire & Molly’s World Wide Weblog - April 27, 2009

    […] barely has a functioning government, just recently spawned the latest in health disasters with its swine flu and is poor to quite poor at soccer. I can’t even fully credit Mexico for Mexican food […]

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