Tuesday Sports Roundup: D-Wade’s socks, Obama’s Sox and, uh, teeth.

21 Apr

d-wadeLet’s start with the NBA: Claire and I recently made separate but equally bad purchases which, long story short, led me to watch Dwyane Wade’s fitness videos on the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish website. In an effort to get fat kids off the couch, D-Wade has brilliantly “invented” two “sports” that even unrealistically multicultural groups of children can play. The first one is sort-of like basketball (surprise!), but instead of a hoop you use a small white boy (Claire correctly notes that this is more helpful than white guys normally are when it comes to hoops). And the second activity is cleverly titled “Bouncy Sock” but required you to play hacky sack with D-Wade’s dirty laundry. Both of these activities are sure to get you no where near the NBA, but after an hour they should burn off at least 10% of the suggested serving size of Flavor Blasted Xplosive Pizza Goldfish. If I were a fat kid, I’d rather stay inside and watch the Heat/Hawks playoffs. So maybe D-Wade knows what he’s doing after all…

Moving right along to Baseball. I’m going to resist the urge to rant about Chien-Ming Wang’s age pants size jersey number ERA or suggest that, due to recent maritime events, Pittsburgh should have to change the name of their team. Instead I’d like to muse about recent reports of Pres. Barack Obama’s favorite baseball team visiting the White House. Okay, how many of you assumed I was talking about the Cubs? Well you are wrong! For some God-awful reason, he likes the White Sox. And being from the “South Side” is no excuse, people. The man was born in Hawaii (or Kenya. Jury’s still out). Obama is a bleeding-heart Liberal; shouldn’t he always root for the underdog?! Everyone knows that would be the soft and cuddly Cubs. The Sox are dirty and they cheat and the word WHITE is in their name! They don’t even let their pitchers go to bat!! How’s that for Democracy? Whatever. I’m sure Claire will have more to say on this.

Turning to the NFL for literally two seconds, let’s talk about the Lions. Detroit literally had the worst year ever: 0-16 on the season, a criminal mayor, the collapsing auto industry, and that scathing TIME profile. But all that’s in the past, as evidenced by their new logo. This is BIG people. The Lion now has teeth AND the font is a little different. And mark their words, they will win a game this year. Maybe even two.

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5 Responses to “Tuesday Sports Roundup: D-Wade’s socks, Obama’s Sox and, uh, teeth.”

  1. Michael April 21, 2009 at 3:26 pm #

    Funny. Wonder if Obama would let the Cubs into the White House?

  2. Molly April 21, 2009 at 4:33 pm #

    “Too shy to comment” Alex says I have this all wrong and that the fact that Obama likes the White Sox actually means he is a real baseball fan. Something about the White Sox being less popular? Also, that 95% of people at Wrigley are just there to tan and booze. Which I guess explains a lot about Claire’s allegiance to the Cubs. But I’m comfortable in my stereotypical ignorance and refuse to change.

  3. Claire April 21, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    First off, I don’t tan. Second off, Alex is a jerk.

  4. Claire April 21, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

    also, Obama likes the Sox because he is from the South Side. that’s just how it goes. I don’t expect him to like the Cubs in the same way that I don’t expect people from NY to recognize that their pizza is not a style, just method of eating. Chicago is a fairly segregated city in terms of neighborhoods (you can categorize suburbs by ethnicity which makes it really fun when you want to stereotype). however, seeing as how he is trying to unite a divided nation, I expect him to at least PRETEND to pay attention to the Cubs. Where is their White House invitation? Ugh. Worst Good President Ever.

  5. Drewpreme April 22, 2009 at 6:52 pm #

    Maybe its because the Cubs haven’t won in I don’t know… 100+ years.

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