Either/Or With Marc

18 Apr

Marc has opinions. These opinions are frequently wrong. Here are some of them.

Marc reads books

Marc reads books

Note: Claire and Molly will not be held accountable for anything he says. Unless it’s funny or insightful, in which case we thought of it first.

Fat people vs. Gays
Well the obvious answer here is a very gay, very fat man. Foregoing that option though, the answer is clearly Gays. If we’re going by stereotypes, which we obviously are, both of these groups are exceedingly jolly, often do well with beards and are typically found as the hilarious friend of a television or movie character. Celebrities include, but are not limited to, Homer Simpson, Doogie Howser, Dom DeLouise, John Waters, Santa Claus, Ellen DeGeneres, Notorious B.I.G. and Rosie O’Donnell, who bats for both teams. Gays come out on top though due to their delightful wit and generally immaculate fashion sense. The potential for slovenly behavior and 400 pound frequenters of Long John Silver’s does not bode well for Team Fatso.

Never being able to say how you feel to the person you love vs. telling them, being rejected, and dying alone
This is basically dying on the inside vs. dying on the outside. I’d rather die on the outside and score pity points from many people, not to mention the opportunity to harbor a good grudge, which is always fun. The latter is the correct choice. Besides, if this person doesn’t like me, how good could they possibly me? I’m better off without that loser.

Angelina Jolie vs. the idea of Angelina Jolie

The idea of Angelina Jolie is the idea of a woman attractive enough to break up a marriage between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, two even more attractive people. That’s the hotness right there. The actual Angelina Jolie comes with children, a vial of blood around her neck and the idea that Billy Bob Thornton was…..involved for many years. Dicey. Imagination land is the winner.

Rock vs. Paper vs. Scissors

Well, Paper is promptly cut loose due to its association with paper cuts. And even though rocks can be thrown at people and through the windows of shops/your ex-girlfriend’s home, Paper always beats Rock. Process of elimination leaves us with Scissors. When you think about it, scissors are basically just two knives strapped together. If one knife is cool, two knives are AWESOME. Done.

Cats v. Toasters

Watch this. I rest my case.

Mormons v. Jews
Jews are WAY better than Mormons. On the one hand you have a race of people who have survived for thousands of years through the most baffling array of misfortunes, only to carve out their own nation and become a world power. On the other hand you have a bunch of really nice people from America’s wasteland whose entire religion was invented 150 years ago by a known con artist. Even the stereotypes are a no contest. Bagels and money vs. polygamy and family values? See you next election Mitt Romney, you lose again.

Claire’s note: What about Episcopalians? Huh? We have finger sandwiches, starched shirts and we are out of touch with our own emotions. Where are we in this?!?


10 Responses to “Either/Or With Marc”

  1. Molly April 18, 2009 at 8:34 pm #


  2. Claire April 19, 2009 at 12:06 am #

    Interesting that Marc believes Jennifer Aniston is more attractive than Angelina Jolie. Is that just because Angie is past her prime and probably smells like day-old hooker juice, or is it because he likes the girl-next-door vibe better?

  3. Molly April 19, 2009 at 6:02 pm #

    I feel like Jenny A is more of Marc’s type. Since I know him so well and all.

  4. Marc April 20, 2009 at 7:31 am #

    It’s because Angie has been around some skeezy, skeezy dudes, seems totally insane, and her lips look like something you’d put on Mr. Potato Head.

    Jennifer Aniston is classy.

  5. mazall April 20, 2009 at 3:37 pm #

    i’d have a one time lesbian love affair with ange over jenny a. anyday.

  6. Cara April 20, 2009 at 4:42 pm #

    Marc makes me very happy with his choice. I’m so over “Angelina’s so hot” comments.

  7. Claire April 20, 2009 at 5:48 pm #

    But I’m so over “Jennifer Aniston looks good!” comments. I mean, yeah, she does. But only because she diets and has a stylist and is photoshopped. Non-famous Jennifer Aniston was not hot. Case in point: http://z.hubpages.com/u/95780_f520.jpg

  8. Molly April 21, 2009 at 2:12 am #

    i beg to differ. she just has really bad hair.

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