Either/Or with Marc

5 Apr

MarcMeet Marc. Marc has been one of my best friends since sophomore year of college when I discovered that he could play Ben Folds songs on the piano. I’m not sure what to say about our friendship except that it is based on mutual animosity and the knowledge that neither one of us ever wants to talk about serious issues ever. “I’m dying of cancer,” one of us will write in an email. The other one will reply with link to a YouTube video of a man getting hit in the nuts.

Marc has a lot of opinions, but they’re almost always wrong. For example, he loves the St. Louis Cardinals and hates the Cubs. I don’t even know how this is possible because he a) is from Illinois b) supports all other Chicago teams c) is an otherwise upstanding citizen. I understand when people from other states support their local teams; they were born in the wrong city and just don’t know any better. But Marc has no excuse. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. It’s like stealing from a church donation bin or sleeping with a cousin or subscribing to Newsweek. Marc is probably the most sports-obsessed person I know, so I have a hard time arguing with him about his bad life decision. He knows more than me (like the names of the players…and what’s happening during the game) and there’s very little I can do to win the argument. Instead I rely on name-calling and insults. But even if Marc wins the arguments, I know I’m right. I mean, I can’t explain the scientific reasons why smoking crack is bad, I just know that it is. Oh man, Marc sucks.

Yet despite his obvious failure, he and I have remained good friends. I thought it would be fun to put Marc’s opinionated nature to the test. So I gave him a list of categories, and he had to pick which topic was better. Here is what Marc thinks about….

Sports v. Music
Sports and music are very similar. They both involve immense heartache, much rocking out and a little bit of delightful celebration. Tickets are absurdly expensive, cheesy merchandise is hawked outside the gates so that you can parade your loyalty about for all to see and fantasy sports are equally as fun as fantasy music, better known as Guitar Hero. The question here is simple. What does sport have to combat the combined forces of the karaoke bar and the air guitar? Nothing. Music air guitars its way to victory.

Sleeping late v. napping in the middle of the day

There are many variables here to consider. What day of the week is it? How late are you sleeping? How long are you napping? Is the middle of the day noon, or four? What is the current season? Considering all of these carefully I have to go sleeping late. Eventually sleeping late encompasses the territory of the afternoon nap, thus rendering it useless. Besides, the image of one Peter Gibbons in Office Space sleeping in until 3:30 on a Saturday, getting up, then returning to his bed without a care in the world is perhaps the most comfortable and satisfying imagine I can think of.

Stabbing someone v. punching them in the face

A good stabbing is, obviously, the way to go. Face punching puts a painful strain on your fist and leaves you in the path of a prime counterattack. I can stab a guy straight up and he’s down for the count. The wallet and are keys are mine!

Claire’s note: plus, knives are cool.

Rock v. Jazz

This is the most serious of serious categories, one that deserves its own dissertation. It’s a somewhat common belief that the playing or listening to of jazz makes one a more hip, cooler person. This is accurate. (Claire’s note: This is not accurate.) Even if it were not, rock’s fatal flaw remains. For every legendary band there exists several equally legendary bands of suck. Kid Rock, Linkin’ Park, Nickelback Creed, Asia, etc. Projectile vomit bad. Certainly jazz has its own scofflaws and ne’er-do-wells. I’m looking at you Kenny G. The sheer volume though of bad rock out there puts it well behind a genre which prides itself on its history and legacy. Furthermore, we all know that the roots of rock can in fact be found in jazz itself. Jazz created rock, ergo jazz is better. The two also combined to create an inbred child known as fusion, one of the poorer musical creations in human history, but that’s more of an argument towards classical. No one wants that.

Claire’s note: I vehemently disagree. Jazz inspires no emotion in me. Rock is infinitely better. For evidence I would like to submit Kinks, Beatles, Bowie, Who, Velvet Underground and all rock ‘n’ roll songs written between the years of 1966-1972.


Baseball v. Football

Baseball. 162 games of drinking versus 16. Throw in the prospect of falling asleep to the Fox game of the week every Saturday and this contest is a blowout.

Nice girls v. Sluts

Well this depends entirely on what you’re trying to do. Am I looking to take a girl home to meet my mother, or am I looking for a venereal disease and/or surprise child? I also don’t believe these categories are mutually exclusive. Sluts can sometimes be nice girls as well. Take Claire, for example.

7/10 times the answer here is nice girls. They regularly have a solid track record, good references and a broader range of extracurricular activities. The other three times though, well, Trap from Wedding Crashers put it best. “Man, Sluts!”

Claire’s note: I have so many good retorts to this but none that I feel comfortable posting on the Internet.
Me v. You

I’m judging random and obscure categories. What are you doing? Nothing. You lose.

marc2

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8 Responses to “Either/Or with Marc”

  1. Molly April 5, 2009 at 8:08 pm #

    Marc is my new favorite person in Claireland. So far the list goes
    1. Marc
    2. Janice
    3. Claire
    4. Caligula (hamster, not emperor)
    [. . .]
    100. Alex

  2. Claire April 5, 2009 at 8:35 pm #

    Marc beats Janice? Oh man. I’m didn’t know that was possible.

  3. Marc April 5, 2009 at 8:45 pm #

    Personally, I’m skeptical of me beating a hamster named Caligula. Hamster’s do things like this.

  4. Molly April 5, 2009 at 8:54 pm #

    As soon as Janice posts again, I’m sure the rankings will change… Sorry, Marc

  5. Cara April 5, 2009 at 9:43 pm #

    I will love any post with a Spork picture, pretty much.

    • Andy April 8, 2009 at 12:06 pm #

      I laughed at the Spork picture. So many good memories…

  6. Claire April 8, 2009 at 5:34 pm #

    That afternoon is still maybe the best afternoon of my life.

  7. Cara April 9, 2009 at 5:44 am #

    How come Andy has a picture. And Claire and Molly have pictures. But I am a question mark. I do not like this.

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