When Claire and I try to answer our own questions, this is what happens:
Molly: also i burned my hand on potato leek soup
Claire: ….did you stick your hand in the soup?
Molly: no it fell out of the ladle onto my hand
Molly: it burns
Claire: that’s hot soup
Molly: it was REALLY hot, and it just sat there, eating my flesh.
ironic, since i was going to eat it
Claire: you injure yourself a lot with various food/drink mishaps
Molly: i know. do burns cause wrinkles?
Claire: i don’t think so
Molly: also, potatoes should never be heated this hot
Claire: although it dries out your skin
why was the soup so hot?
Molly: another good questions
Claire: wait….in my mind, you were heating up the soup
Molly: also, i had to do this quick nasty move where i just smeared the soup all over my hand and arms to make it less hot because there were no napkins.
no, this was out of a pot
Claire: did you not heat up the soup? did it come that hot?
Molly: with a ladle
Molly: in the cafeteria
i should sue
Claire: you should!
Yep. Point is, it’s a good thing Evan came back because, obviously, our questions aren’t going to answer themselves. Evan explains why Claire is white and why beer helmets are healthy, post-jump.
Claire: Why am I so pale?
Evan: I’m guessing you’re a member of the mitochondrial haplogroup U5, which moved into the Scandinavian region 15,000 years ago during the glacial maximum. With weaker sunlight, longer periods of darkness, and a snowy/icy clime, individuals and lineages with overall lighter-colored skin benefited from natural selection. As the group slowly migrated from Northern Africa or present-day Saudi Arabia, the paler people were increasingly able to produce more vitamin D, better hide from predators or Mad-Max-style people, and generally bone more. This effect was amplified over thousands of generations of your ancestors, until you came out looking like Tofu hotdog.
Molly: Is guitar hero good for me or bad for me?
Evan: I’m going to mostly ignore the deeper moral/social aspects of this question (in short: it’s good as a more active form of entertainment with lots of social potential) and focus on the physical/mental aspects, which are basically in competition here. This is exactly the kind of game that could lead to serious corporal tunnel syndrome, “The Dropsies,” or sudden finger inversion. While you really only have to be concerned about the first one, even that can be avoided by taking regular breaks (say, chugging a beer with your strumming hand, or even better, with a beer-helmet or other hands-free devices).
On the mental side, GH could improve visual acuity and response time. This study applies mostly to shooting-type games, but think of the little notes as being incoming “bogeys” or “spacemens” or “zombie-nazis” and you’re talking about similar things.
Claire: Pakistan’s Taliban movement? Ugh. WTF?
Evan: I know, right?
Molly: What will come after twitter?
Evan: President Camacho
Evan: After the last Signs of the Recession story is filed. And by last, I mean, after every single observable phenomenon has been contorted into a data point that proves — in a quirky, counter-intuitive way—that people are changing their behavior because of changes in their environment. In this way, all forms of human communication throughout human history are inherently “Signs of the Recession” stories, and will ever be thus. So we’re looking at either the heat-death of the universe, or AS SOON AS THEY LEGALIZE WEED MAN THAT WILL TOTALLY SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS!
Molly: Is Obama the antichrist?
Evan: He’s the President of the $@&*%# United States. He’s so smart, he going to fix all this sh*t in one week, oh yeah! But seriously, do you know that there are some people out there who are still trying to prove that he was born in Kenya and is therefore not eligible to be President? Or that he had his grandma killed to take the heat off their SERIOUS INVESTIGATION? Also, that his call to expand federal civil service positions as an alternative to the armed forces is actually a stealth move to start a Brownshirt/Gestapo movement that will come after all the white people and Christians? Also, did you know that Glenn Beck’s show is kicking O’Rielly’s ass?
All I’m saying is that if you work in a federal office building and you see a U-Haul truck idling outside your window…take a long lunch.