Newspapers

30 Mar
ny post

ny post

Newspapers are folded sheets of thin paper with advertisements, articles and pictures printed on them. Thought I would explain because, apparently, no one buys them anymore and people are upset about this. Without newspapers, who will hold the government accountable? What will happen to the AP? What content will stupid bloggers link to? WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THE STYLE SECTION?! Others, like Jack Shafer and the rest of the U.S. population, could care less.

I have my own concerns though, and I don’t think they are being widely addressed by the MSM (that means “mainstream media” which, ironically, will soon mean bloggers). Newspapers play a much larger role than simply informing us of what’s going on in the world or when the Clinique counter at Macy’s is offering a six-piece gift set. For instance, will my next-door neighbors start stealing things even MORE valuable than the Sunday Times? What if they take Mazall or our funky postmodern holiday wreath?

This is serious people. No crosswords or delivery boys, nothing to recycle or shield yourself with on the subway. Private Eyes will probably lose their jobs because they will have nothing to hide behind whilst following their suspects, meaning more crime, higher murder rates, and less space in morgues to store newspapers. All because you people won’t pay for something that’s free.

There’s the utility issue as well. Without newspapers, how will I wrap china when I move? How will my dad clean my car windows? What will Rupert Murdoch buy? What will newsstands sell? What will homeless people dig out of the trash? Wait, I just realized the answers to all these questions might be Obama T-shirts.

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3 Responses to “Newspapers”

  1. mazall March 30, 2009 at 5:56 pm #

    wrong molly. no one will be digging MY obama t-shirt out of the trash. i’m framing it and hanging it in the living room for posterity.

  2. mazall March 30, 2009 at 5:56 pm #

    but thanks for being concerned about people stealing me. LYMI!

  3. Drewpreme March 31, 2009 at 3:31 pm #

    Well there was a rash of people who used Mike Vick jerseys instead of newspapers to line their dog crates…

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